posted
Historical/SF. Story alternates between near future and distant past.
*** New version ***
Copán, Honduras, 2022 AD
Martina Hernandez cross-referenced archeological inventories of two tombs and smiled. "You devil, you." She approached the field director supervising a new excavation of a 6th century tomb that had caved in as early as the 8th century under the weight of the Maya pyramid, Temple 16.
"Dr. Chester."
"Martina...I've watched you for days. I recognize the swagger of discovery. What've you found?"
"I think I know who looted King 18 Rabbit's tomb."
"Really?" Chester's face went pensive. "I never imagined we'd ever know that, considering how he died. Figured it was a mob after Copán's fall. Who was it?"
*** Original version ***
Copán, Honduras, 2022 AD
Martina Hernandez double-checked 18 Rabbit's inventory of objects, cross-referencing them to Ukit Took's. She smiled. "Smoke Salmon, you Maya devil." She saw Karl Chester supervising underlayment repairs of a funerary temple on the Acropolis. Soon, she was at his side.
"Dr. Chester."
"Martina...I've watched you for days. I recognize the swagger of discovery." He smiled. "What've you found?"
"I think I know who looted King 18 Rabbit's tomb."
"Wow." Chester's face went pensive. "I never imagined we'd ever know that, considering how 18 Rabbit died. Figured it was a mob after Copán's fall. Who was it?"
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited December 06, 2010).]
posted
I agree with babooher. I find myself feeling pretty lost because of the abstract nature of the first line. Mostly because I don't know what 18 Rabbit is or Ukit Took.
The writing itself is fine. I think if you wanted to stick mostly with what you have, you can just replace 18 Rabbit's with 'the tomb's', we'll get the idea that we are in some archaeological setting. Perhaps something like: "Martina Hernandez double-checked the tomb's inventory of objects, cross-referencing them with the one at Ukit Took's. "
This makes the setting and the relationship between it, the objects, and Ukit Took apparent from the get go. We'll get the specifics of whose tomb it is from your dialog. Given the choice between clearly grounding your reader or giving them a specific detail (18 Rabbit's) in the first line, I think you are better off grounding the reader.
posted
I agree that it needs more grounding. Slow down the pace and give more of a taste of setting and character. I'd also suggest limiting the number of proper nouns in the first paragraph. Too many, and your reader is going to feel overwhelmed.
posted
Thanks for your comments. I was a bit worried about the density of names, especially considering how odd they are. (They're historical Maya nicknames of the kings. Their full names are more difficult. 18 Rabbit's name is Uaxaclajuun Ub'aah K'awiil)
I've posted a new version that defers introducing some of the names, and, I hope, makes it more clear that the setting is an archeological dig.
posted
I think the new version is an improvement for the first line. I had some trouble with:
quote: She approached the field director supervising a new excavation of a 6th century tomb that had caved in as early as the 8th century under the weight of the Maya pyramid, Temple 16.
Since I've had punctuation on the brain lately, I am inclined to think that is the missing component. The line is too long when read aloud, I feel I need the respite of a comma or semicolon somewhere to let me pause for breath as I read it. By the time we get a comma after 'pyramid', I've already forgotten that Martina was approaching her supervisor.
I'd suggest breaking down the elements of the sentence and restructuring them in a way that allows you create a pause with punctuation after each element. This might entail making this more than one sentence, which would be the easiest way to do it.
I think you did a good job handling the 18 Rabbit noun by leaving it to Martina's dialog.
The only other comment, which is not major, is you might want to replace one of your uses of the word 'tomb' with a synonym. Perhaps 'burial chamber' would work.
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