posted
I'm trying a different approach to this story and want to know if it works. This is the beginning of a first draft. So it's far from finished. Any kind of crit is welcome, but I mainly want to know if it grabs your attention and makes you want to read more or not. Also, I'm not sure about the second paragraph. Is it fine the way it is or should it be something like this?": **************************************************************** “Julie,” Nika’s voice broke through, “the vegetables please?”
Julie took the steaming pot off the stove while Nika carved the roast dela.
“How’s the gravy coming, dear?” Nika asked. ****************************************************************
Okay, here's the first 13 and thanks in advance: **************************************************************** Julie put six plates on the kitchen counter and listened to Delan, in the family room, boast about his latest victim.
“Julie,” Nika’s voice broke through, “the vegetables please?” Julie took the steaming pot off the stove while Nika carved the roast dela. “How’s the gravy coming, dear?”
“Just fine, Mother,” Tika said.
“How long did the coma last?” Julie heard Toka say.
“Who cares?” Delan said. “He challenged me.”
The pot met the counter with a thump, and Julie marched into the family room. “Is that what you call it when you beat a defeated man senseless?”
“Watch your place, Earther,” Delan said. “In this house we follow Noramian customs.” ****************************************************************
quote: Julie put six plates on the kitchen counter and listened to Delan, in the family room, boast about his latest victim.
“Julie,” Nika’s voice broke through, “the vegetables please?” Julie took the steaming pot off the stove while Nika carved the roast dela. “How’s the gravy coming, dear?”
“Just fine, Mother,” Tika said.
“How long did the coma last?” Julie heard Toka say.
“Who cares?” Delan said. “He challenged me.”
The pot met the counter with a thump, and Julie marched into the family room. “Is that what you call it when you beat a defeated man senseless?”
“Watch your place, Earther,” Delan said. “In this house we follow Noramian customs.”
Not too bad. It states what they are doing it gives a strong hint of what the problem(s) may be, without an info dump. I was curious about who the Noramians are. Aliens-colonists-? And even though it sounds like Julie is family at least one still calls her Earther, interesting. Delan is headstrong and they may have problems with him but is it just him or is he a side problem? I would have to keep reading to find out. But that's the point I think. And to find out who Julie is. She seems to be the MC. You might try splitting the first sentence into two but I'm not sure it's really needed in this case.
There probably are things I missed but I think it stands as it.
[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited December 31, 2010).]
posted
The second paragraph reads better broken into 3 parts.
Your previous posting of this story made me want to read further. I'm afraid that this one has gone too "domestic" for me. The description of what's happening in the kitchen is not hooking me, and it's keeping you from getting into the meat of the story. It also feels passive. I think Julie slammed the pot on the counter, but "The pot met the counter with a thump" seems far too mild, and makes Julie seem irritated instead of angry.
quote:Julie put six plates on the kitchen counter and listened to Delan, in the family room, boast about his latest victim.
“Julie,” Nika’s voice broke through, “the vegetables please?”
Julie took the steaming pot off the stove while Nika carved the roast dela.
“How’s the gravy coming, dear?”
“Just fine, Mother,” Tika said.
“How long did the coma last?” Julie heard Toka say.
“Who cares?” Delan said. “He challenged me.”
The pot met the counter with a thump, and Julie marched into the family room. “Is that what you call it when you beat a defeated man senseless?”
“Watch your place, Earther,” Delan said. “In this house we follow Noramian customs.”
Interesting tone you've set. I just feel like there are a few details missing here that would make it flow easier for me. F'rinstance, Delan is boasting about his latest victim. Could you say here what kind of contest it was? Was it boxing, wrestling? Some kind of gladiator thing? Does it have a name where they live? Then later, Julie says, “Is that what you call it when you beat a defeated man senseless?” What is she referring to as 'it'? Is she complaining about Delan's choice of words when describing the way he was victorious? If it is, would it be possible to insert the term or phrase that set her off? Just my opinion.
And I agree with what N3T said above.
[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited December 31, 2010).]
posted
The version with the first line mentioning a victim grabbed my attention quickly. And I agree with dela vs Delan, it stopped me and got me wondering if it was a typo Posts: 921 | Registered: Nov 2008
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I'm in the process of cutting back on the kitchen chatter and focusing more on what's being said in the family room. I'm also searching for a better name for Delan. I can't believe I never caught how closely that name resembled "dela", which happens to be a wild deer-type animal common to Noramus and the favored meat among Noramians.
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