The story isn't finished yet, but I'd love some feedback on the first four hundred words, if anyone would care to look. This more flexible viewpoint thing is fairly new to me, so I'm having a difficult time judging it for myself. I'd also be more than happy to give you a critique on anything you have.

Thanks,

Jon

Newest Version. Changed up the setting to another one I had in mind. Hopefully this one feels a bit more original.

quote:

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The first floor of the Clemmson Brothel bustled with some seventy Lowriver folk; men and women dressed in tattered woolen clothes and thick with the stink of hard labor and ale. Weeks end brought good coin to the massive brothel and most of that came from the first floor—The Pit—from the gambling and drink. The second level flowed with the whores, while the third one dealt in the men.

Etan sat on the granite hearthstones in the corner of the tavern tier, warmed by the fire in her brown woolen tunic. She was bound to the Clemmsons as a veiled guardian, one of many in the brothel, and had yet to break her disguise as a drunkard. I finally advance to Rogue and the bloody Syndicate assigns me on a protection contract, she thought. And for the bloody damned Clemmsons at that.

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quote:

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The Clemmson Inn bustled with some thirty Lowriver folk; men and women dressed in tattered woolen clothes and thick with the stink of hard labor and ale. Weeks end brought good coin to the Lowriver Inns, through drink and gambling and whore service. Ofttimes bandits followed, and many a drunken barfight besides.

Etan sat aside the fire in the corner of the Inn, warm with a welcomed heat in her brown woolen tunic. Two weeks prior the Clemmsons had hired her as a veiled guardian, and she had yet to break her disguise.I finally advance to Rogue and the bloody Syndicate throws me on a protection contract, she thought. Gods but I'm bored. She felt drunker than she ought to be, but that could not be helped.

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quote:

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The Clemmson Inn bustled with some thirty Lowriver folk; men and women dressed in tattered woolen clothes and thick with the stink of a weeks hard labor. Weeks end brought good coin to the Lowriver Inns, through drink and gambling and whore service. Etan, once footpad for the Clemmsons, had risen only two weeks prior to a higher calling. That of bruiser patron; a guard in disguise. Quite the respectable position, Etan had thought. Only the best of fighters were chosen as bruisers.

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[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 25, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 26, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 26, 2011).]

I did stumble over punctuation, word selection, and sentence structure. E.g.
Line 3: "week's", and I'd suggest changing the repetion in "Week's end".
Line 5: a "footpad" is a thief. Why do the Inn owners, the Clemsons, emply a thief? It would be bad for business.
Line 6-7: an inn "patron" is a consumer, thus having an employee designated "brusier patron" is confusing. I imagined him as some sort of undercover bouncer, but that is similarly an oxymoron.

I'd read a but further to hopefully gain understanding.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

[This message has been edited by History (edited January 23, 2011).]

I didn't have any particular problems with this. It does something I do sometimes, a setting of a couple sentences, segueing directly into whatever the MC is doing in that setting. In this case, apparently bettering himself -- from hired thief to better-class bouncer. That implies an interesting society, where the footpad is a social accessory to those who can afford it, but is himself scorned... maybe implying that the hidden professions are looked down on.

"Bruiser patron" will need elucidation, but I'd guess this fragment hasn't gotten that far yet.

This bit,

quote:

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Quite the respectable position, Etan had thought. Only the best of fighters were chosen as bruisers.

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As Reziac said, I like that you get a lot of information in the brief passage with out overloading the reader. It seems natural to me.

I like the idea where that your MC was a thief and now "promoted" to under cover bouncer was a great concept. I immediately thought that the idea of order is imposed but no one wants to see organized security, so they get these bruisers to "take care of" the problem people.

I think you got a good story idea brewing here and see potential in this.

Reading your comments, I feel that I'm not being quite clear enough in this opening section. This probably stems from my own confusion about the direction I want to take this piece. Thankfully, with a bit more plotting and world-building on my end, I should be able to remedy this.

I worded my first post a bit wrong. I typically write in third person, not first, but it was always very close/personal third person and inflexible. I do love the close/personal third person, but I feel not having control of the 'zoom in/out' techniques was holding me back. Here, I start with a more distanced viewpoint whereupon a character isn't even introduced, and then quite quickly we're brought into the head of our main character, Etan. It seems like this has worked to some degree, though I'll certainly have to rework the next few paragraphs.

Thanks a bunch, folks. Very, very helpful comments.

Thanks.

Reziac: Yeah, again I'm probably wording things incorrectly. I tend to have hard times explaining what I mean. Haha.

To everyone else: Let me know in here if you'd like me to critique something of your own, be it a first thirteen or a full blown short story. I don't typically critique in the first thirteen sections, typically because by the time I find something everyone has already stated my own sentiments. I tend to be a bit slow.

Edit: Oops. I copy pasted the wrong version for the rewrite. Fixed it now, though.

Maybe you should write both.

[I'm reminded of a tagline that goes "Better watch out, or you'll wind up drugged and edited."]

I like the flow of your rewrite better and I think the same information that was established in the first is still there and then some.

The bit about the fire 'Etan sat aside the fire in the corner of the Inn, warm with a welcomed heat in her brown woolen tunic' could be re-done as it is a little redundant around the heat/warmth/fire thing. if you tightened it you could reduce it to two mentions.

'Aside' feels like an incorrect use. You can step aside, throw a book aside. but the implication is that there is an expected place and aside is to one side of that. Beside would seem to me a better fit in the context. Others may differ--it is my opinion only.

I think it best to avoid the retrospective 'Two weeks prior...' statement until you are further into the story. Intros--IMO--are about establishing world, character, situation (immediate), conflict etc. What happened two weeks ago can be introduced a little later. Also consider trying a more camouflaged way of delivering the information.

Otherwise it's good stuff--starting in a tavern in a medieval fantasy world has, of course, been done a considerable number of times, but you know that.

quote:

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starting in a tavern in a medieval fantasy world has, of course, been done a considerable number of times, but you know that.

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I, for one, love those kinds of stories. I'm of the opinion that the world needs more of 'em.

Nits:
I would trade “dressed…” in the first line for “huddled…” or “shivered…”
Drop the “and” between “clothes” and “thick”
Add an adjective to the ale, sour ale, cheap ale, dark ale, etc.
“Week’s end” or even “Weeksend” rather than “Weeks end”
Trade “aside the fire” for just “near the fire”
Trade “a welcomed heat” for “a welcome heat”

Again, this is not necessarily a bad start, but it's a different story. So now you've got THREE stories that need writing. Better quit revising while you're ahead, and just write the durn thing.

I just had a funny vision of an anthology of tales that were intended to be all the same story, but wound up entirely different... come to think of it, didn't someone pub something like that once, back about 25 years ago??

I think I was starting in the wrong place, which is probably why I went through so many damned revisions. I've got a new version now, very much different than this story was meant to be. It's funny how things can change so much over the course of revision.