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My short story is titled, If I Were Alive. It's 4,800 words and I'm looking for one (or more), last readers before I start sending it to publishers. Here is the first 13, which is new by tonight. I can swap stories with someone if they'd like! Thank you! -OlsenOlsen
Grace watched the black bird soar between her world and the sun. It seemed everyone was watching it as it flew gracefully across the sky, keeping their minds off the moment at hand. Grace was one among many in the line of coming of age teenagers. She fidgeted with worry and excitement; there was no knowing what fulfillment she would be given for the rest of her life. Grace’s sister Jade was even feeling uneasy as the time passed. Their lives were in the air. If only I could fly, thought Grace. And so the sound of chattering filled the worn down, tattered road that lay outside their town. It was only visited one day a year, and that day was today.
posted
I found the first two sentences ok. The first sentence seemed to be setting up a close third person POV, but from the third sentence it became a little too omniscient and too much direct telling for what I thought was already promised. For example, the information about the line of coming-of-age teenagers could use some action on Grace's part (e.g. Grace looked down the line of...), instead of being directly told by the narrator. Also, how would she know her sister's feelings at that instance? The omniscient POV can do that, but it is at the cost of distancing the reader, which makes attempt of getting really close (such as "If only I could fly") seem a little too close. Some readers don't like getting jolted from close to distant POVs and back too often.
The information you conveyed, however, is intriguing. There is probably enough of a hook here to pull me in.
posted
I could take a look if you don't mind a delayed response. I won't be able to get back to you until Monday or Tuesday (sorry!).
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Grace watched the black bird soar between her world and the sun. She was one among many watching it fly gracefully across the sky, keeping her mind off the moment at hand. Grace looked down the long line of coming of age teenagers. She fidgeted with worry and excitement; there was no knowing what fulfillment she would be given for the rest of her life. Grace could even tell her sister, Jade, was becoming tense with apprehension. Their lives were in the air, although very much unlike that bird. They had no choice of direction, no will of their own, and so all they could do was listen to the sound of chattering that filled the worn down, tattered road that lay outside their town. It was only visited one day a year, and that day was today.
posted
Much better. Getting rid of stuff like "it seemed" and focusing it all *in* Grace's perspective really did make the paragraph flow much more smoothly, and made me feel like I'm viewing the story through a actual character, rather than just being told about stuff. Makes the hook so much stronger.
I especially like the line:
quote:Their lives were in the air, although very much unlike that bird.
I simultaneously read it as very poignant, and as kinda chuckle-worthy as I personally relate it to that line from Hitchhiker's Guide: "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." But mostly poignant.
All the bits that I found awkward in the first read-through (". . . what fulfillment she would be given . . ." "Their lives were in the air . . ." "And so the sound of chattering filled the worn down, tattered road that lay outside their town.") were smoothed right out in this second version. So, huzzah.
Although that last line: " It was only visited one day a year, and that day was today." still strikes me as a bit childish/trite. Just 'cause. Also, what was visited? The worn-down road? Their town? Or something at the end of said road? That's the only nit I have left.
posted
Thanks for the input! My intro came a long way from when I first posted it on here (different thread, somewhere beneath the dozens of others). I was always a little unsure about that last sentence... but I'm glad you liked the new changes!
I took the plunge and sent my first manuscript to an online magazine. Foste, thanks for considering! I've been wanting to send it to a market for awhile now, and I wanted one last input, but after I made a couple more changes and read it over, I said, "what the heck" and did it. So perhaps I'll take you up on your offer on another day! Thanks.
Things I noticed: The use of watching as the verb in the 1st and second sentence, struck me as awkward. Maybe just use it once. "her world", why not the world? sentence about Grace's sister, Jade, didn't add much for me. As she's simply also feeling uneasy like everyone else, which isn't really any new information. -worn down, and tattered feel excessive to me. "what fulfillment she would be given." is fulfillment a common word that's going to be used throughout the story, if so then fine, but if not it strikes me as a little awkward.
Things I liked: "their lives were in the air" but then grace wishes they could fly anyways, what is life but being in the air. seems grace doesn't understand the nature of flying. An interesting idea.
the coming of age ceremony. Ever since the giver coming of age ceremonies have intrigued me, so I'd keep on reading for that.
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Ah, sorry, I realized in my last post that I commented on the old 13 instead of the new 13, so here are new comments.
Things I found awkward:
The use of the word watching in sentence one and two made me trip a little. I would recommend using it only once. Also, your first couple of sentences begin with, She or Grace, "grace watched," "She watched" "grace was" "she fidgeted". This similarity of sentence structure was a little hard to wade through at times. I still don't know how much Jade being apprehensive adds. I think it would be better if you showed Jade doing something specific, and also gave more of a description of her, so that we can tell her apart from the narrator better. I still think having both "worn down and tattered" as adj. is a little much, but this is totally my opinion.
Otherwise I liked it and would totally read on. I love "coming of age assignment plots", that part in the book The Giver was one of my favorites.
[This message has been edited by sfedders (edited March 13, 2011).]
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Getting rid of stuff like "it seemed" and focusing it all *in* Grace's perspective really did make the paragraph flow much more smoothly, and made me feel like I'm viewing the story through a actual character, rather than just being told about stuff. Makes the hook so much stronger.
But mostly poignant. 
