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Kimaru pushed his boat out into the water without looking back toward his home. The stars reflecting on the rippling ocean did little to give him peace. The air smelled of salt. His lower back ached from a full day’s fishing, he did not want to be on the water again so soon. Nor did he want to be home. The worn net, so familiar to his calloused hands, felt cold and damp without the morning sun to warm the strings. He cast the net into the water, leaving ripples which shattered the reflected starlight. The starlight seemed to converge together into large orbs. Kimaru leaned against the side of his boat and touched the odd reflection with the tip of his middle finger. The shadow from his hand did not hide the light. If anything, the light grew.
This one is an odd one for me. I actually follow the rules.
posted
I agree with EVOC. The ripples references in the first little bit does hang one up a little, confusing the reader (in this case...me) some. 'cause, first, they're scattering, then all of a sudden they're gathering...? But it was that last sentence that was what really caught me, the starlight converging underneath his hand...
posted
The overall tone feels depressing for some reason, and I don't like to start that way. I prefer to be emotionally invested so I can THEN be depressed. I am having a hard time finding a reason to care about Kimaru - his being in the boat seems as significant as if he had gotten up in the middle of the night, shuffled into the kitchen, is eating a peanut butter sandwich, and thinking about going back to bed. I don't know where this is going - not even a hint. The writing is pretty, with some nice description and feel, but nothing is hooking me. I wouldn't read on.
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I have to agree with what was said above about the hook. That being said I would also read on because I enjoy your writing style and the scene that you painted. I can tell that this is most likely a good story but it's just a matter of whittling the intro down to a sharp hook. If this is a completed story I'd like to take a look at it and offer a more in-depth critique as an average reader.
Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2010
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posted
Short answer...I would keep reading, but I feel as if your cramming these 13 lines to test the sharpness of your hook. I believe stretching this out, especially on the third paragraph, so it doesn't feel so rushed.
quote:The worn net, so familiar to his calloused hands, felt cold and damp without the morning sun to warm the strings. He cast the net into the water, leaving ripples which shattered the reflected starlight.
Excellent. A very small sample of why I know you'll be a pro one day. These two lines help establish setting, character, and mood in a very subtle way.
Pay attention you influx of new hatrackers. We had several nobody's, who are now mid-level to major somebody's, get their feet wet in F & F. Gaze upon a future somebody shaping her craft.
posted
I would read on. It says so much in such a few words, nicely done. Sets the tone for the story, develops character, and setting as well as the speculative element.
My only issue is the "...starlight. The Starlight..." try to join those two sentences, but other than that, I love it.
It feels a little to blunt and feels simply like the author informing the readers of a fact with no window dressing.
You tell us it is night by saying that he gets little peace from the stars reflecting on the ocean (you also tell it is an ocean and he is not at peace).
Try an use the sentence to give us another fact, perhaps about the light breeze that carries the salt smell to his nose also tugs at the rigging or something...
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