“No one cares that we’re here, I swear.” Gin led us through a high patch of weeds that left small stickers in my shorts. Maggie looked back at me with wary eyes.
“You’ve been here before?” I asked, wincing as I twisted my ankle slightly in a hole in the ground.
“Tons of times.”
We approached a weathered wooden fence with two horizontal slats that looked like they would poof into sawdust if we touched them.
“Don’t get a sliver, Maggie,” I said quietly.
“Yeah, Maggie.” Gin turned to look my little sister in the eye. “If you get a sliver of this wood, it will poison you and you’ll die slowly and painfully.” Gin said, her eyes big and

[This message has been edited by AmyMaidaWadsworth (edited March 17, 2011).]

“You’ve been here before?” I asked, wincing as I twisted my ankle ((twisted your ankle sounds really pretty severe, for the action you're going for I think. And also I feel like the reaction would first be surprise and then wincing afterward for the pain, but usually when you're hurt for the first time the surprise trumps the pain I find.)) slightly in a hole in the ground.

“Tons of times.”
We approached a weathered wooden fence with two horizontal slats that looked like they would poof into sawdust if we touched them.
“Don’t get a sliver, Maggie,” I said quietly. ((Is Maggie really in danger of getting a sliver if she's not even touching it yet?))
“Yeah, Maggie.” Gin turned to look my little sister in the eye. “If you get a ((even one)) sliver of this wood, it will poison you and you’ll die (( delete slowly and painfully)).” Gin said, her eyes big and round and her lips carefully forming the words.((I think there is a better way to describe this than mechanically describing how her face moves.))
Maggie looked back at me, her brown eyes pinched and scared. ((You've done a lot of describing the face to show emotion, try some other way.))

I shook my head.
With that, Maggie turned toward Gin and stuck out her tongue with a sassy hum.

((this is actually a little too much showing I think. I think you could streamline this interaction. ))

For instance:

quote:

---

“No one cares that we’re here, I swear.” Gin led us through a high patch of weeds that left small stickers in my shorts.

---

The first sentences present a passive situation for the narrator since she is being led. If you were to change "led" to "followed" I feel it would put control, and therefore the action, back into the narrator's hands. I also had a problem with the word 'stickers.' My mind instantly went to cutesy images of Hello Kitty sticks and the like. Maybe 'burrs' would be better? Unless, of course, stickers is the actual colloquial name given to those annoying weed chaffs.

So something like this might be a stronger opening:

quote:

---

I followed Gin through a high patch of weeds that left small burrs stuck to my shorts.

---

The narrator is now in control. She is actively following, as opposed to being passively led. Again, my caveat is that if it goes contrary to her personality, and she is the type to be led around, then ignore my advice

The other thing is that I wish you had engaged some of the other senses in your description. They are walking through a field, do the crickets suddenly go quiet in their wake? Is there a particular smell in the area coming from wildflowers?

Overall, I think you definitely have the start of a good scene that just needs a bit of tweaking to make it stronger.

Best of luck with your writing

My only question: I read the words "ankle" and "twist" with a wince; sounds bad! But it immediately turns out to be slight. Maybe a verb like "turned" or "stumbled" would strike a more modulated balance between the threat of peril and the actuality of it.