“No!” Edgar’s eyes flew open as he awakened from a dream
gasping for air. He inhaled deeply, feeling pain in his chest,
drowning anew with each breath. He was submerged, held
underwater by some unseen force. Now, groggy but awake, his
alarm is reignited by the unfamiliar surroundings.

Everything was hazy, rippling, and the further away he looked
the more the air took on a bluish hue. He blinked, shook his
head, and tried to focus. He lay in a bed covered by a greenish-
brown blanket. It was slimy, slippery under his fingers, and
made of a ropelike material. The room was full of light but,
try as he might, he could not find a fixture. His curly hair
floated around him, long strands tickling his face, clinging to
his neck. He pushed it down, noting its smooth, straight feel.

You can easily edit the original post (or any that you make, for that matter). Just press the pen and paper icon above the post and edit at will.

Obviously your character has just woken up in the treehouse attic (see threads in the Introduce Yourself forum for reference) . Waking up entrances are a breed of starts that belong in the "we see too many" category for most editors. It can often feel natural to start here, but it works against you with the editor, because so many start there. (It even outranks those that start with the weather.) That means, if you want to start there, you will have to compete with the best wakeup starts that they have seen before. We even did a challenge on that a little over a year ago ("the very cliche 13 line hook challenge").

Even given the opening, this didn't really hook me. The only thing that we know is that he is in unfamiliar surroundings, and a bit of description. The description doesn't hook me, because I don't know what is normal and what is different. More importantly, I don't know how this impacts the MC, or why I should potentially care for him. (That second point can grow in the body, but at least should be hinted at during the first 13, if it is a character story.)

Additionally, I rarely describe the POV character - that is a personal thing. The main reason is that the POV character usually isn't in a place to naturally notice the things that need describing. If he were, then they are things that are crucial to the story, i.e. something very different to a normal person. If the looks of an POV character are important, I'd usually find a way to incorporate them into a conversation. The important things about a character is how it interacts, what the real person is like, and looks rarely are important. The second reason is that it can distance the reader, because they are wanting to immerse themselves into the story, and anything different to who they are can detract from that immersion.

Thank you for your feedback. I'll have to find a way around the "we see too many" scenario. For you personally, what do you think would have made the beginning more interesting, making you want to read on?

However, at least it got the story down on paper for me to complete. I was able to change it entirely and the whole story got stronger for it. So don't be discouraged by that.

As far as your first 13 her go here are some other thoughts:

When I originally read this I thought your character awoke underwater drowning. So there was confusion there for me.

Also, so much description in your first 13 or the setting and characters. Is his curly hair important to the story? What about the slimy blanket?

Remember this first 13 has to convince the editor (and reader) to turn the page. Give us an idea of what this story is about. Its the foundation of the story. Just as a foundation supports a house, this hook has to support a story.

Right now we see Edgar in an unfamiliar room awakening from nightmare. This doesn't support or promise a strong story. You may have written a great story, I don't know, but this doesn't give us a glimpse of it.

It's my opinion. I am not trying to be discouraging or harsh.

quote:

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For you personally, what do you think would have made the beginning more interesting, making you want to read on?

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Having not read the story, I have no idea. However, there are some general things that I think make a good beginning. The three key things are an implicit promise, a voice, and some hook.

The implicit promise tells me what this story is going to be about. Read OSC's concept of MICE to get an understanding of what different story types attempt to deliver, and the promise is an indication, in the first 13, of what this is.

The voice is a style or overtone in the story that indicates what emotions the story will attempt to extract or entice. It is one of the hardest things to keep consistent throughout a story, especially if you are experimenting beyond your usual style, but it is also the major subjective element that an editor will look for.

The hook is simply something that catches the reader in, be it a unique idea (my favorite), an interesting character, an unusual world, circumstance or dilemma. Different things work for different people.

I'll use an example from the winner of this recent challenge ( Entry #5 by Philocinemas). The first paragraph establishes the key character - the sheer affrontery that she displays is a hook in itself, a character hook. She is not your usual character, even more so in this village. The next two paragraphs establishes the setting and dilemma in a way that continues establishing the MC, and few sentences do only one of these elements - most attempt to show two elements. The dilemma is a second hook - how will she get out of this? The voice is also found here (not so much in the first paragraph, but that's ok) and the implicit promise is primarily an action story with some potential for character changes (is she going to push everyone away from now on? is she the type that will seek revenge?). The voice displayed also shows an ability to describe the surroundings with sufficient detail without comprimising its pacy feel. Expect excitement, constant action and some interesting insights into her relationship with the villagers (and possibly the dragon). The last line adds additional reinforcement of the key hook, the MC's attitude.

Hopefully this isn't too teacherish, I can get that way sometimes.