posted
Hey guys! I've posted this originally as 'Morphosed'. However, I changed the title and edited the first 13 lines. Feedback is greatly appreciated! Thanks, Layla
Sprinting through the woods, the young girl chanced a look behind, only to be rewarded with a smack across the face by a low hanging branch. Great! Exactly what I need, she thought and continued to make her way through the dense forest. The air was humid, thick somehow as she was inhaling the smell of freshly fallen rain. Fog covered the area. She wondered if it was natural or artificially made in aid of catching her. Dawn was approaching. Her biorhythm told her. However, the world around her was dark. As dark, as during the fight she had fought only hours ago. Hopes were rising, but she could not allow relief to make its way to her hunted soul. She finally considered making it. After all, she had to. Though it was not going to be easy.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 02, 2011).]
posted
First off, give us her name, right away. Her name will tell us that she is a girl, you’ll have to slip the young in somewhere else, but withholding the name distances the reader.
Italicize her thoughts, then you can lose “she thought and continued” you’ll have to revise the rest of the sentence but it will be tighter, more immediate.
Trade “somehow as she was inhaling” for “with” as in “The air was humid, thick with the smell of freshly fallen rain.”
Is this SF or fantasy? If it is SF the word “artificially” is fine, although I haven’t seen too many SF villains who torment the MC with artificial fog. If it is fantasy, you might consider trading “artificial” for unnatural, mystical, or conjured.
“Her biorhythm told her.” I stumbled over this. If she can “hear” her biorhythm this deserves more explanation, but not in the middle of her flight through the woods. I would recommend “She could feel it.”, “She could sense it.”, or “She could always tell.”, although the last one puts me in the mind of vampires for some reason.
I’m sorry, but the next couple of sentences are quite clunky, especially “the fight she had fought”
I remember previous versions of this and you are working your way around to something quite good, keep going. I don’t mean to be so negative, the idea behind it shines through enough for me to really want you to get it polished up, so that it can be fully enjoyed. Good luck.
posted
It is possible that you didn't realise, as a new member, that this was put up and critiqued by several people over at F&F for Short works. I'll just add one more point - this version seems to be placed after the key point of change. As a result, I'm expecting either a flash back or back story soon. Such an expectation is a deterrent, because neither are usually done well. They can be, but my expectations are not high. So by starting after the point of change, you are taking a risk and are fighting an unfair battle against low expectation. Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Thanks for all the detailed advise! I'll make sure to consider it when I'm making my corrections.I also tried to Italicize the part you suggested, but for some reason it did not work. By the way, I'm not going for SF/Fantasy, but for a 'Paranormal Young Adult' novel here .
Brendan!
Because I'm new here and - to be honest - this, is my first time using a writer's workshop/forum online, I kinda got confused when I was posting 'Morphosed'. Sorry, about the confusion. I do realize that I posted it in the wrong forum. I know that I'm taking a risk the way I start my story, but I don't agree with you that I'm fighting a battle against low expectations, as unfair as it might seem according to one subjective view. I never force the story or the characters to go or behave a certain way, it is the story and the characters themselves that predict the events. As a result, the outcome of my first 13 lines will essentially always be the same and I guess I just have to find a way to honor the craft and make it work
posted
Layla, I can move this topic to the correct forum (F&F for Short Works, right?) if you would like.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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quote:Sorry, about the confusion. I do realize that I posted it in the wrong forum.
No apology necessary - it happens a fair bit. Not a big problem, really. I was simply pointing it out because I have seen you active on this board, but not on the other board. When you posted the rewrite here, I wondered if you had read the critiques on the other board.
quote:I know that I'm taking a risk the way I start my story, but I don't agree with you that I'm fighting a battle against low expectations, as unfair as it might seem according to one subjective view. I never force the story or the characters to go or behave a certain way, it is the story and the characters themselves that predict the events. As a result, the outcome of my first 13 lines will essentially always be the same and I guess I just have to find a way to honor the craft and make it work.
Ok, I hope I didn't come across as condescending - I certainly didn't mean that. But I will give you my reasoning for the "unfair" comment, as it seems to have caused a reaction.
Your statement "as during the fight she had fought only hours ago" clearly foreshadows some information coming up about the past (e.g. to understand her current actions, we can reasonably expect to find out why she was fighting, and what the real outcome was). The likely methods to do this are back story and flashback. With both, there is a school of thought that simply says don't do them (a school I don't agree with). See OSC, and Nancy Kress, for some varying views on the subject. OSC is blunter, stating that the need for a flashback is usually because the story has started in the wrong place. Nancy Kress is a little more central, showing the pro's and con's of their use. But the risk of distancing your audience is one that both agree is there.
This is what my "unfair" comment was about, that the audience now expects a flashback (or backstory) and may be turned off by that fact - even before they get to it. Furthermore, critiquers, which have had experience identifying problems in stories, hold prior knowledge that flashbacks are often poorly done, and are therefore expecting it to flop. That doesn't mean that it will flop - surprise us and show us that it doesn't. As authors we often try to beat the stereotypes and rules - it's a challenge.
Edited to fix links (thanks Reziac )
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited April 05, 2011).]
posted
Okay, I think the tone here is a little inconsistent.
quote:Sprinting through the woods, the young girl (don't withhold the name without a really good reason) chanced a look behind (Okay this feels a intense. A girl sprinting in the woods. I'm thinking she is running for her life), only to be rewarded with a smack across the face by a low hanging branch (now this part feels light almost humorous with words like rewarded and smacked). Great! Exactly what I need, she thought (her thoughts are consistent with the light tone. She doesn't seem to be afraid. I'm thinking she is just late for something, or returning home after sneaking out of the house)and continued to make her way through the dense forest. The air was humid, thick somehow as she was inhaling the smell of freshly fallen rain. Fog covered the area. She wondered if it was natural or artificially made in aid of catching her. (Okay, now we are back to intense. Is she playing a game or is she running for her life? I'm not sure) Dawn was approaching. Her biorhythm (biorhythm is a strange word to use here unless she has some superpower that makes her super intuned with nature or her body) told her. However, the world around her was dark. As dark, as during the fight (Is there a good reason to not start the story with this fight scene?) she had fought only hours ago. Hopes were rising, but she could not allow relief to make its way to her hunted soul.(This seems pretty serious if not only her life is at stake but her soul. Do you mean this literally. Because if you do, I'd think this girl would be a lot more freaked out.) She finally considered making it. After all, she had to. Though it was not going to be easy.
The biggest problem I'm seeing in this is that the reader is really detached from the POV character. I'm not sure why she is running or if she is scared. I don't feel for her, and so I don't really care about her.
Personally I prefer to write and read close second POV where it is almost first person, if that makes sense. I like to get deep into the character's head. I know not everyone does that, but I suggest you give it a try. Let the reader feel her fear and her adrenalin rush, see the forest through her eyes, hear the snapping of branches from behind her and feel her panic that they might kill her or take her soul or whatever the hunters want to do to her. I think it will draw the reader in and make them turn the page.
JMO, good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited April 05, 2011).]
After elaborating on the 'unfair', I can see what you are hitting at! Nevertheless - as you suggested - do writers sometimes feel the necessity to beat the stereotypes and rules for the sake of their story. I'm a person who never walks away in the face of an interesting challenge and therefore, I guess, I'll try to make it work.
MAP!
I'm withholding the name until the second chapter, because I have a good enough reason to do so. Okay, before I continue I wanted to let you know that I'm going for 'Young Adult' with paranormal elements here aka, for example, the 'biorhythm'. The reason why her thoughts are a little inconsistent in intensity is that she lives in a world of war. She is used to fighting for her life pretty much every day and lives with and through it with a slight attitude of sarcasm. So, even though, she is running again for her life (as she had to do so many times before) in the beginning of the scene, and has to fight for survival, and sort of has accepted death as a daily occurrence, she - naturally - does not want to die. I hope the first 13 lines make more sense now and why the MP thinks the way she does. Anyway, I have pondered quite a lot if I should change the whole novel to first person as it would be catchier and give it a greater insight into the MP. I'm still thinking about it. Thanks for the critique, though!
quote:I'm a person who never walks away in the face of an interesting challenge and therefore, I guess, I'll try to make it work.
Well, then, you would enjoy the challenge section of this forum. Currently skadder and snapper are running a challenge that is open for the next two days. It is just a 1st 13 challenge, where you simply write a story opening on the theme provided, but you can test your metal against other up and coming authors here at Hatrack.
Also, check out two previous challenges that directly thwarted some expectations - "A very cliched 13 line hook challenge" and "Vampires suck...ENTRIES". These will give you an indication of how the challenge works and how they help writers by providing feedback. They are a little older than a year old, so you may need to adjust the "show topics" filter at the top right of the page.
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