Been having enormous trouble with finding a decent starting place for this story. It seems that wherever I try to start it it reveals either too much or too little. I was wondering if this beginning would hook any of you, because it was the easiest place to start that seemed to provide a bit of background and not reveal too much of the intended ending.
“We have made enormous progress with our ‘hero’ problem. To date, only two of them remain. Only two of these self-acclaimed ‘soldiers of peace’ stand between us and control of this country.” The leader of the ‘Alternative Alliance’ addressed the group of assembled higher-ups of the criminal world. Danny Dynasty – the most recent addition - watched the man who fancied himself a neo-Hitler from his seat in the corner. The room was packed with all of the figureheads of their organization. From drug-lords to eccentric mercenaries, their organization consisted of the dark underbelly of the country. All of them were staring at their leader, hanging on his every word.
Here's an alternate intro through the hero's eyes (If this is against the rules I will promptly edit this post): 00:25 He felt his scrotum tighten as he read the robot’s display, as if a bucket of ice-water had been dumped on him. There was no imminent fight, but his animalistic survival instincts kicked in regardless. The tunnel-vision was in full throttle. Nothing existed apart from the blade that was inches from his throat. Time was short, and resistance was indeed futile. He gave up trying to fight against the restraints and instead tried to meld into the chair, withdrawing from the spinning shuriken as much as possible.
[This message has been edited by Axis Dervan (edited May 25, 2011).]
It hooks me a little. I want to know more. I am not so sure you are putting enough here to make me want to read more. The story doesn't go anywhere.
quote:I'm also very interested in seeing what the early stages through to the final product looks like for one of your stories.
I know some people don't like dialogue openings, I don't mind them.
However, I am not sure I find the dialogue believable here. It just seems wordy, and unlikely to be said this way. As if the speaker knows he is providing information to a reader who doesn't know the world. And not to an audience of colleagues.
quote:The leader of the ‘Alternative Alliance’ addressed the group of assembled higher-ups of the criminal world.
This is really wordy. Why not give us the leaders name? You also provide us with duplicate information. Alliance and then group of assembled higher-ups. It is one in the same really.
quote:Danny Dynasty – the most recent addition - watched the man who fancied himself a neo-Hitler from his seat in the corner.
This is our POV character. I like the most recent addition part. However, is Danny saying the Leader fancies himself a neo-Hitler? How does he know what the Leader fancies? It also confuses the sentence. You go from the Danny to the leader, back to Danny all in one sentence.
quote:The room was packed with all of the figureheads of their organization. From drug-lords to eccentric mercenaries, their organization consisted of the dark underbelly of the country.
This is just re-explaining the sentence "assembled higher-ups of the criminal world." So I would cut one or the other.
Last you end with staring at the leader again. As a reader I feel like I just read this entire hook and went in a circle. I started staring at the leader and ended there.
I think you got something going here. It could be this is the wrong starting point. It could be is just needs a little reworking to get started right.
Hope that helps.
Edited to add: I really like the idea of a Villain POV story.
[This message has been edited by EVOC (edited May 25, 2011).]
Hey EVOC, thanks for the feedback! You definately called me out on a lot of the things I felt personally about this intro, but an extra pair of eyes to critique never hurts I definately need to find a suitable hook that will be consistent to the rest of the story, am working on that now.
I do have a question regarding the 'leader' of this group. I was trying to go for a cliche/egotistic speech where he delves into his own accomplishments whenever he has the chance. Which is why I added that he fancies himself a neo-Hitler in the sense that he believes himself to be a charismatic leader. Upon reflection it's certainly not the right way to begin the story, but would it be a suitable character trait?
When I read the neo-Hitler all I could picture was a character that looked like Hitler. I didn't pick up that he had those character traits. The words just immediately made me picture him as a wanna be with the same appearance. That could be a distraction if it wasn't what you were going for.
I'm not sure how you would correct this. Maybe something like
He lorded over everyone like this was his own private dictatorship.
My personal opinion is Hitler is a little over used.
[This message has been edited by JHam (edited May 26, 2011).]
I agree Hitler is over used. However you can show the same traits without making the Hitler comparison. Show his traits rather then tell them.
Part of the problem with the Hitler reference and the reader seeing Hitler in their head (aside from how recognizable Hitler is) is that the leader is given no other identity. He is a name less "leader" compared to Hitler.
[This message has been edited by EVOC (edited May 26, 2011).]