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Author Topic: She's Beautiful...
LDWriter2
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Okay, haven't posted any openings here for quite a while but here's one I finished today. 998 words long. I would appreciate if anyone would like to look over the whole thing.

It was inspired by the cover here

I haven't read the story but I love that cover. I'm going to do another longer story based on it also.

Here are the first 13 lines of "She's Beautiful...":

Durasa stood there beautiful. Even as the power from her rage flipped pages in the open book on the table by her legs. Her short black hair blew like she stood in a hurricane even though I felt no wind five feet from her. Her red and black dress didnÕt move.
I made a point not to look at the book. I sighed, we might have been in love at one point but she took the wrong road when she took the book from me. Now I had to stop her, with very little power. The shelves behind her held her souvenirs... and power apparatuses. I could taste the peppery, ozone flavor of her magic... very strong. I glanced at the ruby and turquoise necklace she wore; a power necklace, for protection.
Her dark skin contrasted the way her eyes sparkled with


Okay, another try with a few Changes--- New Version:

Durasa looked beautiful as she stood in her study. The power of her rage flipped pages in the open book on the end table next to her. Her short black hair blew like she stood in a hurricane even though I felt no wind five feet from her. Her red and black dress didnÕt move. I made a point not to look at the book. We might have been in love at one point but she took the wrong road when she took the book from me. Now I had to stop her, with very little power. The shelves behind her held her souvenirs... and power instruments. I could taste the peppery, ozone flavor of her magic... too strong. I glanced at the ruby and turquoise necklace she wore; a power necklace, for protection.
Her dark skin contrasted the way her eyes sparkled with


[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 01, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 01, 2011).]


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tchernabyelo
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"Even as the power from her rage..." - by starting the sentence with "Even", you are implying there is going to be a second (and in fact primary) clause. There isn't, so this ends up not being a complete sentence.

Some indication of why she's angry (is it at him?) and why he "has to stop her" (stop her doing what) might be worthwhile - there are questions raised here, but they're lost in a the descriptions the narrator is giving us. The fact that he has time to tell us all these things seems to mitigate any sense of threat or danger, so what should be a scene of tension is somehow lacking.

Just my opinion. Feel free toignore or reject it.


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Osiris
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Agree with tchern here, I think you can pick up the pace of this by cutting out some of the description. In fact, the first person narrator's attitude seems to work against the story here, sighing and lamenting what could have been. This takes away from the tension that could be here.

You could solve the problem he indicated with a change of punctuation, replacing the period with a comma like so:

quote:

Durasa stood there [b]beautiful, even[\b] as the power from her rage flipped pages in the open book on the table by her legs.

This makes your original first sentence the missing clause.

[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited June 27, 2011).]


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LDWriter2
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Thanks to both of you.


I thought that second sentence was going to look funny. I'm probably wrong but I think the action already started when he explains what is going on. It might look like Tell but you know why he's there and what his problem is.



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LDWriter2
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Okay, have another version back on original post.
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