posted
The dragon’s son walked underneath the midnight’s sky of onyx silk. Any on-looker would see nothing but an unnatural pitch-black darkness. Eyes that would eventually adjust to see the outline of a house or the silhouette of a pine-tree would only observe an abyss of emptiness even after hours of concentration. The dragon’s son walked at a steady pace and avoided obstacles with ease. His mother had of course granted him immunity from the shroud of blindness so he could complete his task, and complete it he would. His hands which clutched the box to his breast were shaking with anticipation and a perverse excitement. The tinder within the box rattled in unison with his twitching hands.
[This message has been edited by Axis Dervan (edited July 30, 2011).]
posted
The dragon’s son walked underneath the midnight’s sky of onyx silk. 1. Nice line but- midnights just bogs the whole sentence down- to me. Maybe- underneath a. We get it’s night.
Any on-looker would see nothing but an unnatural pitch-black darkness. 2. Any on-looker does not flow- for me. Maybe- ‘Any observer, witness, spectator? Pitch-black and darkness are really the same aren’t they? Maybe use one or the other.
Eyes that would eventually adjust to see the outline of a house or the silhouette of a pine-tree would only observe an abyss of emptiness even after hours of concentration. 3. Very wordy. And you’re really repeating sentence 2. We got it; he passes through the night unseen.
The dragon’s son walked at a steady pace and avoided obstacles with ease. 4. This sentence- for me does not move the story forward and again it is a wordy. What obstacles?
His mother had of course granted him immunity from the shroud of blindness so he could complete his task, and complete it he would. 5. Wordy. Maybe- The dragon’s wife (she deserves an honorific too). I would drop- ‘had of course’. ‘shroud of blindness’ is vague maybe a better hint at what his immunity is. I’d drop ‘so he could complete his task’ and maybe consider- to aid in his task.
His hands which clutched the box to his breast were shaking with anticipation and a perverse excitement. 6. Wordy. Consider maybe- hands shook with anticipation as he clutched? I’d suggest inserting this after sentence 2 but before sentence 5 to start building the tension.
The tinder within the box rattled in unison with his twitching hands. 7. The words shaking and twitching (though similar), bring two different images to my mind. Twitching, I think of quick and jerky spastic movements. Maybe- trembling or shaky?
I like the first line and thought the imagery you’re going for while good was more telling than showing. I might read on, but if the wordiness continued as it is, I’d in all honesty stop reading.
posted
What do you have here, Axis? Here's my take.
quote:The dragon’s son walked underneath the midnight’s sky of onyx silk.
Clear to me what you were after but it read a bit clunky. I think most of the problem centers around a conjunction. consider changing...
underneath the midnight’s sky
to...
beneath a midnight sky
quote:Any on-looker would see nothing but an unnatural pitch-black darkness.
Not sure 'on-looker' works. You suggest there is nothing that could be seen which makes any observer anything but an on-looker. This may need a tweak. such as...
Anyone who tried...
Consider cutting 'an unnatural' as well.
quote:Eyes that would eventually adjust to see the outline of a house or the silhouette of a pine-tree would only observe an abyss of emptiness even after hours of concentration.
Agree with the previous poster on this. Way too wordy. It is contradictory as well. Consider cutting everything after 'pine-tree. 'adjust to see' needs a bit of clarification as well. Consider...
adjust to the light would see
quote:The dragon’s son walked at a steady pace and avoided obstacles with ease.
consider cutting...
'walked at a steady pace and'
quote:His mother had of course granted him immunity from the shroud of blindness so he could complete his task, and complete it he would.[quote]
cut 'of course'
[quote] His hands which clutched the box to his breast were shaking with anticipation and a perverse excitement.
cut 'which' also you axe everything after 'anticipation'. It's telling anyway.
quote: The tinder within the box rattled in unison with his twitching hands.
in fact, merge and recompile this sentence with teh last one. Something like...
He clutched the box to his breast. The tinder within rattled while his hands twitched with anticipation.
posted
Is this the moment where tension is introduced? So far, we have a guy walking to go do some chore. We can't fast forward to the good part? I'm not saying he needs to be in the middle of battle, but could he at least be where he needs to be so I don't have to wait for him to walk there? Unless there is a reason to show the mode of transportation, why start the story with the protagonist getting there?
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quote:The dragon’s son walked underneath(beneath) the midnight’s sky of onyx silk(Strange wording. Perhaps, "silky onyx sky"?). Any on-looker would see nothing but an unnatural pitch-black darkness. Eyes that would eventually adjust to see the outline of a house or the silhouette of a pine-tree would only observe an abyss of emptiness even after hours of concentration.(This idea is a bit nebulous. a little more focus on the concept you are trying to portray would better serve the progression. keep it forward moving action or thought. Is he "cloaked in magic? " or what? Being as this is his POV why not describe his confidence in being undetected for he is fully confident in his prowess or magic ability?) The dragon’s son walked at a steady pace and avoided obstacles with ease. His mother had(insert comma) of course granted (comma) him immunity from the shroud of blindness so he could complete his task, and complete it he would. His hands which clutched the box to his breast were shaking with anticipation and a perverse excitement. The tinder within the box rattled in unison with his twitching hands.
Overall, the progression of this intro seems a bit disjoined. The flow is impeded. POV seems a little off. This character seems very interesting. His actions could definately be a sufficient hook, but i think you need to hone in on getting inside his head and telling from his POV. Hope this helps. I think you have a great potential here.
posted
Thanks for all of the feeback, it has been really helpfull. (especially the comment about how wordy my writing is). I understand exactly what you mean and it just seems to crop up. I can see it plainly but have no idea how or why it got there, I guess it's just a case of needing to work on my writing style.
@Pidream and Snapper - thanks alot for the break down of the intro.
@babooher - the hook was supposed to be the introduction of a human who's son to a mother, and incidentally a pyromaniac.
@Bent Tree - Completely agree with all of the criticisms, so at least I'm on the right track in that regard. "Knowing is half the battle!"
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