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Author Topic: The Large Nap
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Member # 9533

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OK, here goes my first story to the group.

I'm having trouble with the ending. I like the ending but not who I chose. If anyone would like to read the story and offer suggestions or critique, I'd appreciate it. The story goes along after the first 13 lines to his experiences in heaven
BTW it is supposed to be humorous

Bill Harlow, hard-drinking, square jawed, two-fisted private detective stood in his dark, dingy one room office looking at the body on the floor. While not a unique event in his career, the odd thing was that the body lying on the floor appeared to be the former hard drinking, square jawed, two fisted private detective, Bill Harlow. He immediately looked around but saw no assassin lurking in the shadows. There was no tell-tale smell of cordite, just the stale odor of too many cigarettes and too few baths. The last thing Harlow remembered was sitting at his cluttered desk, taking a shot from the bottle of cheap scotch that was one molecule away from antifreeze, and feeling a pain in his chest.
What a way for me to go, he thought. After all the bullets,

[This message has been edited by CED (edited October 07, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by CED (edited October 07, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 08, 2011).]

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Member # 9202

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I like it Excellent clear imagery, nice hook and I definitely get the humour

It would have gone down well in the recent Noir Challenge. (http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum7/HTML/000197.html).

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Member # 4588

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Yep, good job. Fast and hard-hitting, feels just right for a twist on the noir genre.
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