As below, it's been a while since I've put up a fragment. It's from the same world as my WOTF story, so I'd love at least one reader who hasn't been exposed to that series of stories. I'm happy to do a crit swap for up to 10K.
Regards,
Nick
Constance asked Oscar to draw water from the basement boiler and pour a bath. Once he'd finished pouring the steaming water, she hefted an axe and commanded the wooden golem to bow and extend his neck. He obeyed. She tightened her grip on the handle and raised the axe. Edward had used Oscar for sexual pleasure and each second with the golem was like having a length of barbed wire jerked from her heart. The only way to stop her pain was to chop Oscar into kindling, then wash his ink-blood from her hands. She started a downwards stroke and then halted an inch above his neck. As a woman, she couldn't walk outside unaccompanied. When Edward was away, Oscar protected her. She needed him. The blade trembled above the brass hoops and rubber seals connecting Oscar’s neck to his torso.
Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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the sentences are strong and concise, though it took me a couple of moments to understand what was going on. i'd take a read if it's up to 10,000 words.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011
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The first sentence doesn't grab me as well as the second one does. I also had a moment's confusion making the connection that Oscar is the golem. Is it important that he poured a bath? If not, you might consider opening with: "Constance hefted the axe and commanded the wooden golem to bow and extend his neck."
Otherwise, I agree with Denevius. The writing is strong and concise.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
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I find there's too much going on here that my head is spinning. Why does she ask him do draw a bath if she's going to kill him? How do use something that's wooden for sexual pleasure (as in ouch--splinters)? How is a golem made of wood (I'm most familiar with mud/ clay golems), and if he's wooden where does the ink come in? And then what the heck are these brass hoops and rubber seals doing on him? Seems more natural to join wood using glue, nails, pegs etc. These are little things, but the overall effect on me was that I had hard time getting in to the story.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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