posted
Note: This was an essay I wrote for my own amusement though I have posted it now several times on my own blog and a couple of others. I has to do with the box of letters my mother gave me that dated back to WWII and my Grandmother and Grandfathers correspondence to each other. It touched me deeply and so I wrote. I hope you enjoy it.
I think we were talking about my uncle. I don't know for sure, but something in our conversation brought the subject up. Over the years we had talked about them in some detail but never to any real depth. I do know that I asked a question about my grandparents which made my mother excuse herself; both of them had died before I was born. My grandfather died in Guadalcanal and my grandmother taken by cancer in the early 60's. My mother always seemed to get emotional when the subject of her parents was brought up but never like this.
When she returned I half expected to see her wiping her eyes, but there were no tears, no tissue -- but there was a box. As far as boxes go it was pretty standard: just an old brown shoe box from some bygone era.
[ February 08, 2012, 11:30 PM: Message edited by: Robert Briggs ]
Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2012
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posted
You've got a great opening line imo, but after that the prose begins to wander a little (rather, a little more than it needs to). You're also opening with backstory, which tends to turn people off. I'd suggest working in some of the detail a bit further down, and deleting any unnecessary lines (e.g. 'My mother always seemed to get emotional when the subject of her parents was brought up but never like this.'). I think this would tighten it up; the opening itself has promise, becaue it could go anywhere at this point, and I like that in a story.
Hope this helps, Daniel.
Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2012
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posted
Thank RCMANN and Daniel, it does help. I'm very new here so I don't know the guidlines involved can I add more of this story on another heading?
Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2012
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posted
You can post the first 13 lines of another chapter, if this is a novel.
You can also post a different 13 lines if you want feedback on other possible beginnings.
But the point of only posting 13 lines per story is to keep what you "publish" here to a minimum, to protect your electronic rights to your story.
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