Quick, since it's an odd name, might need to be followed by his last name.

I think I know what you're getting at with small rock, but the words are contrasting the feeling. Maybe just omit the word small.

Cobb could have a Firefly connotation.

I'm not sure I could pinpoint a hook, but the writing, the idea of four-wheeled coffins (will they make it?) and interest in Cobb's injury (will he make it?) and the genre/mood totally have me wanting to read more.

(To be honest, I wish I could right now, but with WotF crits and two deadlines of my own, I just couldn't fit it in right now. If you second draft down the road, before sending anywhere let me know.)

Do you have to say, The three 'wagons' because windwagins, (which is a better description) is already in the first sentence. Could it be instead? 'The three were little more than...

--Four wheeled coffin's with 'Triangular' sails, does the shape fit here better or below when you describe there color, or before the wheel line? I really don't like the word 'Triangular' even if it is proper it sounds odd. What might fit here better is something like--

...four wheeled coffins with a jibe, main, and aft sail or three main sails? Five? Two? then something like: There only redeeming quality, the triangle cut of sail, was good at harvesting the stiff wind, but this brought a continuous amount of abuse to the worn wheels as they rolled across the desert hardpan. The White of the sails...

In the next sentence you're describing color and you left out one. you might change to something like--
--The white of the sails contrasted sharply with the sky’s deep blue, the mesas dark obsidian, and the buttes (Color?) of the God Graves they passed.

And I agree with Axe that 'Quick' needs to stand out as a name.

I like it's overall descriptive quality, but you might need to work the sentences for flow and better hooking.

Sounds interesting,

W.

As I read the original, or at least as I intend the original to be read, the God Graves is the overall name for the obsidian mesas and buttes they passed. I don't think this is how you're reading it, and that bothers me because I want to be clear in my prose. If it isn't understandable, I need to really revise.

Everything else I think I can handle. Inserting Quick's last name is easy, explicitly saying how many masts and sails won't be hard, so thanks.

After looking over your comments, I realized I had missed something else in the intro. The original first draft had a character that I removed. So, now there are only 2 wagons so the first two lines will need some tweaking.

Axeminister, deleting small shall be done. As for the the Firefly connotation, I had to look that one up. I've seen the show but not enough to know their names. Cobb is an old name and appears here and there (in fact, it is the name of Brian Dennehy's character in Silverado). I think it has a good, American Wild West feel to it, so I understand why it was used in Firefly as a last name.

Remember everything is just thoughts, doesn't mean its right.

Cheers,

W.

My take:

quote:

---

The windwagons sailed across the Pan chasing their shadows as the sun cleared the Ember Mountains. The three wagons were little more than large, four-wheeled coffins with triangular sails. Their wheels rattled against their frames as they rolled across the desert’s hardpan, their white sails contrasting sharply with the sky’s deep blue and the giant, obsidian mesas and buttes of the God Graves they passed.<--[Most of this could be introduced through a character's observations and fed throughout the story, and would keep it in 3rdPL instead of Omniscient--which is a harder sell.]

Quick barely managed to steer his windwagon around a crater[Ending this sentence here makes for a shorter, more distinct sentence, and Quick would be unquestionable the "subject".][, but in doing so he ran over a small rock.<--it seems this would be common. maybe the sudden jerking motion might be enough to achieve what you want to.] He winced as the wagon jostled [up and down<--Don't think you need this.]. Cobb, Quick’s passenger and now sole cargo, cried out in pain[. A<--suggest cutting this and continuing: from a] jagged bone [which] protruded from [Cobb’s<--Replace with: his] left leg[.] [and b<--Cut. B]lood seeped around the wound. The makeshift splint made from [the wrecked wagon<--Huh?] could only do so much in the

---

I agree with IB with regard the front-loaded description. Not a crime, but I think you can avoid it. I had a go at it--I'm not going to post mine--but managed to get description in amongst action. I'll describe my approach:

I had Quick (Quikk may be better) actually wrenching the steering (rather than your slightly removed description) to avoid the crater on the otherwise smooth Pan(Character-action/problem and location). The coffin-like windwagon lifts briefly onto two wheels (...so it has four. I have seen wind vehicles lift like this, I think, also, slight loss of control=exciting) as the wind suddenly catches the triangular sails (windwagons described by now).
Quick then leans the other way as he makes it round the crater, and the wagon crashes down onto all four wheels and you have the opportunity to talk about the Cobb gasping in pain (for a real bone-crunching reason).
Then you can have a sentence where Quick wonders as he peers across the Pan (describe poetically) if they will make it in time/escape (or whatever the pressure is).

I haven't changed much in my re-structure except to change the small rock to the wheels lifting off (magnifying the the avoiding the crater that you had) otherwise everything is there, just re-ordered.

No saying you have to do it this way--just giving you another point of view to ponder!

FYI--most sand yachts have three wheels, if I remember correctly and have a low centre of gravity--probably for good design reasons. Your coffin-shaped things don't offer--in my head at least--the required stability against the wind forces.

As for the front loaded description, I know you didn't say it had to be changed or that it was wrong, but saying I could avoid it implies you think I should. If I thought I could really cut the word count down, I'd agree. Your introduction, as you've described it, would have more energy, and I think I'm going to seriously look at how to integrate part of that, but the wondering protagonist is something I want to avoid. Maybe I'm wrong, but the wide description that is followed by a narrow focus seems more natural than a forced moment where the protagonist, who should be knowledgable abot the area and the conditions, has to wonder about something so the reader can get a clue. I think it also evokes something of the Western where the landscape is a character in and of itself.

I said I liked it and that it was well written. Saying you can 'avoid it' implies only that there is another way. I didn't suggest it was better; that would depend--if you tried writing it both ways--which came out better from your pen.

I tried it and liked the result I got, but to compare what I write with what you write is a pointless exercise (hence why I didn't post an example). A comparison can only be drawn from examples produced by the imagination of a single author--by that author.

What formats would you like it sent in? RTF, DOC, DOCX?

And, don't be too hard on yourself for that typo--I suspect it's a case of stopping for the night and picking it up with enthusiasm the next day. Been there. Bunch-of-times!

Edited to add: I usually save everything in RTF, because it is accepted by most programs.