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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Watchdog

   
Author Topic: Watchdog
just
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Somewhere around 6000 feet and falling fast, the vibrate feature on Tim’s watchdog caught his attention. Strapped to his wrist, the watchdog’s screen read “Lunch will be ready soon and there is someone here to see you, so hurry up!”
Tim looked around to see if his brother Corey had also noticed the message. Farther above him and to his right he found Corey, spinning wildly like the blades of a helicopter.
Corey's spinning made Tim feel dizzy. He could only imagine how dizzy Corey must be and then he laughed. An image of Corey getting sick while spinning popped in his head. He pushed the button on the watchdog and the world dissolved around him.


There is something to be said about fresh eyes, I can now see how confusing that opening is without a discriptive reference. The only hint that they are skydiving is the first line.
is this better or does it mess with the flow to much?

Somewhere around 6000 feet Tim was falling, awestruck at how the earth just seemed to hover below him. The air rushing rapidly past him was the only indication that he was moving at all. The vibrate feature on Tim’s watchdog pulled his attention away from his freefall. Strapped to his wrist, the watchdog’s screen read “Lunch will be ready soon and there is someone here to see you, so hurry up!”
Tim looked around to see if his brother Corey had also noticed the message. Above him and to his right he found Corey, spinning wildly like the blades of a helicopter.
Watching Corey spin made Tim feel dizzy. He could only imagine how dizzy Corey must be. He laughed as an image of Corey getting sick while spinning popped in his head. He pushed the...

[ November 16, 2012, 05:25 AM: Message edited by: just ]

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C@R3Y
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I am having a bit of trouble understanding what is happening in this scene. I imagine they are falling from some higher place, but we are given no imagery of the surroundings. You say "the world dissolved around him" but exactly what dissolved around him? I suggest, when you first begin this scene, maybe find a way to include, without breaking the flow you've got, a bit of scenery around them as they are falling fast. I think, in a situation like this, it would benefit you to write in some brief setting to place us better inside the scene (and it doesn't even have to be much, just something that let's the reader know where they are--falling from a building? The sky? Down, deep into the Grand Canyon? The possibilities are endless. I would like to be placed in the setting, rather than have to guess where I am). As it is, I can only guess where they are. In my mind, they are falling from a building, but I have no real indication whether or not that's true. On top of that, it's difficult for me to understand what is going on in the scene within the context of falling.

It kind of confuses me, to be honest. Is this some kind of simulator? A virtual reality video game or something? I say that because "He pushed the button on the watchdog and the world dissolved around him."

It sounds like it'll be good, but I just don't know what's going on completely in this scene.

Sorry if that's a bit generic. I hope it helps, nonetheless. [Smile]

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just
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fantastic feedback thank you
and they are skydiving in a vr sim

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GhostWriter
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Thanks for posting up Just! Now, down to business.

I have to go with C@r3y on this one and ask for some description. Just use it ever so slightly to show where this is at, but not too much to slow down the action.

I love how you start "Somewhere around 6000 feet and falling fast, the vibrate feature on Tim’s watchdog caught his attention. Strapped to his wrist, the watchdog’s screen read “Lunch will be ready soon and there is someone here to see you, so hurry up!”" -It throws you right into the action and gets the hook in quick (aka making me ask a lot of questions). Maybe you could lose the "and falling fast"... but then again, it adds to the effect that they are falling, yet calm as ever. I like it!

It sounded a little awkward at the second paragraph -"Tim looked around to see if his brother Corey had also noticed the message. Farther above him and to his right he found Corey, spinning wildly like the blades of a helicopter." Maybe you could change it to "Tim looked around to see if his brother had also noticed the message, but there he was, just above and to the right of Tim, spinning around like the blades of a helicopter." I like the way you phrased it here though. It gives us readers incite to how Tim thinks! (and so does the third paragraph!)

"He could only imagine how dizzy Corey must be and then he laughed" I would separate this sentence into two. E.X. "He could only imagine how dizzy Corey must be. Tim burst out into laughter at the thought of..." It flows better with the switch of serious to comical.

Over all, I really liked this one. You throw the reader straight into the action and hook him right away (or so I thought anyway.) You might have to watch out though. It sounds to me that this is only a sub story to the overall plot, and you need to develop the main plot quickly if you truly want to hook the reader (everyone loves strife.)

Thanks for sharing! I hope that what I have said helps you. Good luck and may your pages be ever full.

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just
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Just finished it, its a little over 1100 words if anyone is intrested in tearing it apart.
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wetwilly
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Brilliant first line.

Personally, I have no problem at all with this beginning being a bit disorienting. I kind of like it, actually. I expect all to be explained pretty soon, but your hook is cool enough to keep me reading past this to find out exactly why they're falling, where they are, etc.

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LewisC
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I like it. The first line is a great hook. I have to admit I was feeling a little bit lost by the final line though. "He pushed the button on his watchdog and the world dissolved around him." I read your reply that they were in a sim. I hope that explanation came pretty fast after the dissolved sentence. The fact that I care is a good sign though. With just 13 lines I was already invested.

I'd be willing to read and critique the entire thing if you want to send it to.

LewisC

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just
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thanks, I'll send it to you LewisC and i hope it doesn't disappoint to much.
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