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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Voyage of the Jules Verne

   
Author Topic: The Voyage of the Jules Verne
Gregg L
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My first attempt at short story. It is 8447 words, which I worry may be too long. I am open to any all constructive help, and can send the entire story to those interested in reading more.

Ship’s Date 4,786 years 271 days, Avery’s first day of formal schooling.
Avery, and all the children in the class, had been home schooled from the time she could string small sentences together; she, as the rest of her class, could read simple words by the time they were potty trained. The genetics of the crew had been chosen with care, to assure the highest possible chances of survival, once the Jules Verne arrived at their new home. The average age of this group of First Years, was not a month over five years, the average IQ of the group was well above genius.
The first few hours of class are spent getting to know each other. All the students are from the same Ring and Section,

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GhostWriter
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Ah, the good old short story. Generally, I have noticed that the shorter the short story is (without omitting detail and action) the better, But hey, take it for what it is worth... Not much more then the ink used to make this web page [Razz] . Anyway, down to business.

In my view, This intro needs a hook at the very beginning (first one or two sentences) that really grabs the reader and makes them ask big questions. E.X. "Avery was sitting in class with the other five-year-old students, bored from the trigonometry algorithms that she memorized the night before." or "Avery stared blankly at the classroom whiteboard, her five-year-old mind racing through algorithms that fifty-year-old men couldn't fathom."

"The genetics of the crew had been chosen with care, to assure the highest possible chances of survival, once the Jules Verne arrived at their new home." - This is also VERY interesting and should be mentioned at the beginning! Good way to make me ask some questions.

Make sure that the beginning of a short story separates description and the introduction. use the second paragraph to add this, but the intro should start out with fireworks! (EX action, shock, Horror, etc...)

"Ship's date 4,786 years 271 days, Avery’s first day of formal schooling." Interesting. I wonder why I ship would be up that long. Is it the only ship around? Did everything else burn or explode? I like it.

Well that is all I have for this one. Thanks for sharing your work! Just remember to use hooks and you will be all set! Good luck and may your pages be ever full!

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Gregg L
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Thanks Ghost. What you gave me is constructive and gives me some ideas, useful ideas.
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pidream
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You're telling us everything and showing us very little. For me I would focus Avery's feelings on the first day of school and not the narrative. Regardless of intellect, Avery is still a child and though more intellectually mature wouldn't be emotionally, unless they're raising Vulcan's.
The story is very wordy, look to cutting as much as possible and then cut some more. Shorten your sentences as they tend to be too long. I would lose the star date and inject it into the story through Avery's eyes. God Luck!

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tesknota
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I enjoy stories about genius children. =)

Here are my thoughts:

I feel like you could put just one sentence as a hook in the beginning, and then start from where you did. That sentence should reveal in a very straightforward way that Avery is a genius. This way, when I read on, I’m curious and wanting to find out why or how she is a genius.

The two parts of the first sentence separated with a semicolon could be combined, and the reason I say this is because having both “and all the children in the class” and “as the rest of her class” feels repetitive. The comma after “First Years” doesn’t need to be there. You might also provide a transition from the home schooling situation to the formal schooling one.

All in all, I think you have a great concept. I’m wondering why they are First Years when the ship has been traveling for thousands of years. Perhaps the Jules Verne is about to arrive at its destination? Bon voyage.

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Christian Behr
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The showing versus telling seems like good advice.

I'm interested in reading more. How about the next 13 lines?

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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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quote:
Originally posted by Christian Behr:
The showing versus telling seems like good advice.

I'm interested in reading more. How about the next 13 lines?

Only the first 13 lines may be posted on this forum. Rewrites of those first 13 lines may also be posted, but no more than the first 13.

If you would like to read more of this story, ask Gregg L to email it to you. And if Gregg L feels that it is ready for readers, he may email it to you.

Please read the topics in PLEASE READ HERE FIRST area to learn about our reasons for this rule.

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