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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » What we wish for- 3400 words

   
Author Topic: What we wish for- 3400 words
pidream
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Another fragment posted last year and now complete.
Keigo watches me from behind the desk as I place my hand on the scanner and gaze into its suspicious eye. Lights flickered from amber to green as it confirmed my identity. He glances repeatedly from the screen to me as his hand moved toward panic button ready to lock down the lobby. I smiled knowing he didn’t trust his eyes, but the scanner doesn't lie.
Keigo stood, and leaned across the counter staring intently.
“Dr. Narita?” He said, eyes going wide. “It is you . . .!” He blurts, disgust bright as neon shown on his face. He quickly averts his eyes, trying to regain self-control before continuing in a more contrite tone. “Excuse me Dr. Narita it is none of my concern, forgive me . . . but you will need a new picture ID.”

[ March 20, 2013, 08:07 PM: Message edited by: pidream ]

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SASpencer
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There are four references to eye(s)in just those few sentences.
>“Dr. Narita?” He said, eyes going wide> perhaps he could raise his eyebrows instead.
>He quickly averts his eyes, > perhaps something like "he lowered his head."

Sandy

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pdblake
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You've got a bit of a mix of past and present tense there too.
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pidream
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SAS thanks and pdlake. One of my many Achilles heels. I came to grammar late in life but there is still time to learn. Would either of you care to give it a read?
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SASpencer
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Re-post the 13 lines and I will look at what you come up with, if you look at my rewrite at the bottom of my thread, Amalgamation 1st 13.

Sorry, I am critiquing a novel, a short story, taking a class about how to write a novel, trying to fit my rough draft into what I've learned in the class, forming another novel for the class, and writing a short story. My head would burst if I take on one more thing!

Sandy


Thanks, Sandy

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pidream
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Re-post have a a read.
Keigo watched me from behind the desk as I placed my hand on the scanner and gazed into its suspicious eye. Lights flickered from amber to green as it confirmed my identity. He glanced repeatedly from the screen to me as his hand moved toward panic button, ready to lock down the lobby. I smiled knowing he didn’t believe its truthfulness, but the scanner doesn’t lie.
Keigo stood and leaned across the counter studying me carefully. “Dr. Narita . . .? It is you!” he blurted, disgust bright as neon shown on his face. He quickly averted his eyes, trying to regain self-control before continuing in a more contrite tone. “Excuse me Dr. Narita, it is none of my concern, forgive me . . . but you will need a new picture ID.”

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SASpencer
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Truthfulness makes it wordy for me. How about something like "I smiled knowing he didn't trust it"
I really like suspicious eye, by the way.
I feel like it should say "[the] panic button"
I don't think disgust is bright. Maybe dark as a powered down plasma screen.

I hope this was helpful.

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