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This is a fantasy flash story I wrote last night. Looking for comments on the 13 or offers to read the whole thing (989 words). Any help much appreciated.
"Close your eyes,” she said, brushing his eyelids with delicate fingers, closing them slowly. Smells from the palm of her hand, the wet clothes of the dead child they had pulled from the river, the thick mud of the embankment they had scrambled up in desperate flight. “Can you remember?” she said. “Can you remember what it was like before the war?” He tried to open his eyes, tried to see her face once more, but she kept her fingers poised there, their touch barely felt. Could he remember a time before the war? Before son had rebelled against father and war had come to a city that had once held nations in thrall? She would be smiling, he knew. A smile he remembered so well, sad and with enough beauty that his heart could ache even at the thought of it. “I remember...” he whispered. But what did he
Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2014
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"Close your eyes,” she said, brushing his eyelids with delicate fingers, closing them slowly. 1.I think this would read better if you said- brushing his eyelids closed with- and deleting closing them slowly, to me anyway.
Smells from the palm of her hand, the wet clothes of the dead child they had pulled from the river, the thick mud of the embankment they had scrambled up in desperate flight. 2.This sentence reads a little awkward to me. Maybe try breaking it up into two separate thoughts, or adding a contraction.
“Can you remember?” she said. “Can you remember what it was like before the war?”
He tried to open his eyes, tried to see her face once more, but she kept her fingers poised there, their touch barely felt. 3.Maybe delete the second tried, as it reads better to me.
Could he remember a time before the war? Before son had rebelled against father and war had come to a city that had once held nations in thrall?
4.I think you mean enthralled, not in thrall. A thrall is a person in servitude, or a slave. Or did you mean these nations were enslaved to them? Maybe a coma after father.
She would be smiling, he knew. A smile he remembered so well, sad and with enough beauty that his heart could ache even at the thought of it. 5.I think the sentence might read better if you replaced, sad and- sad, yet with
“I remember...” he whispered. But what did he
I can’t say this drew me in. The writing was just a little awkward. There are elements that might cause me to read on, but the hook was not set real deep. The best of luck with it.
Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Hi besimirch, >"Close...slowly. I believe I would separate this into two sentences. I would also identify the speaker, since the POV is intimate enough with her that he is emotionally involved at the thought of her face, he probably knows her name. Also, "closing" takes "fingers" as its nearest antecedent, so unless she is closing her fingers, this needs changing.
>Smells...flight. New paragraph, here, since this is entirely the POV. Also, it's a fragment since "smells" is a noun in this structure.
>"Can you... New paragraph.
>...there, their... This homophone read a bit awkward for me. It might need rework. The rest of this paragraph is a good backfill without going overboard.
I like the last paragraph. It has a languid, last day of summer feel to it that both fits the scene and at the same time raises a jarring juxtaposition when one thinks that he is lying near a dead boy. Very nicely done.
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