posted
This is a story I wrote while in a workshop in college. Its about 3500 words and I would welcome any feedback on the whole story if anyone is interested.
The moonlight shone down through the lattice of tree branches, covering Cassius Chaerea and the ground around him in bright silver. He felt ants traveling up the rough bark and tickling the back of his neck. He didn’t move, except to reach for his wineskin and drink deeply. The wine was sour but it warmed him against the night air and fought the shakes creeping up his arms. From his spot against the tree, he could see the lights of Rome below. Thousands of torches created an endless sea of flickering red and orange. His silent world on the hill was interrupted by an occasional shout or the sound of a horse braying on its forced march through the city. He heard soft footsteps approaching from behind. “Sir, the Senators are here.” One of the young guards spoke
posted
Here we have an opening that contains most of the things I keep rabbiting on about; context, setting and character--along with a looming dramatic complication (the waiting Senators) and the potential of equilibrium disturbed, to steal one of extrinsic's phrases.
However, and there's always one of these, and also at the risk of invoking extrisic's ire, I feel the opening narrative distance is just a tad too close. I would prefer, and this is a purely personal preference, a longer narrative distance at the opening, perhaps beginning with:
On a hill overlooking the centre of the known world, the Imperial city of Rome, a man sat under a tree in the late summer moonlight . . .
And then to slowly close the narrative distance, like a camera zooming in to focus only on the main character, so that all we see of Cassius at the moment when the guard speaks is his reaction. This is the moment of crisis, it seems to me, the moment when one decision or another will change the course of history.
A scene not seen in the TV series I Clavdivs
So, I like this opening, but it needs to be refined IMHO. I feel it's too early in the narrative to try and paint an artistic picture before the readers eyes. Get them into the world and the characters first, then paint pretty pictures.
Just my $0,000.02 worth.
Phil.
[ September 17, 2014, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]
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quote: From his spot against the tree, he could see the lights of Rome below.
A bit redundant, this. We know he's sitting against the tree and we know we're in his POV so you could basically cut the opening of this sentence.
quote: Thousands of torches created an endless sea of flickering red and orange.
Great. Nice clear image.
quote:His silent world on the hill was interrupted by an occasional shout or the sound of a horse braying on its forced march through the city.
This made me think, though. If it's silent where he is, then I thought he must be many miles from the city. But then how could he hear a horse braying in the city? Or an occasional shout? Especially if he's far enough away to see "thousands of torches"...anyway, yeah, I got confused at this point.
quote: ...approaching from behind... from behind a torch...
the repetition of "from behind" was a bit intrusive to the flow.
quote: Cassius rose from his position after giving the city one last look.
again, keep an eye out for redundancies. "Cassius rose" would be fine, as the reader will know that Cassius isn't going to rise from anyone else's position.
I'd be happy to read the whole thing for you, but I might not be able to get to it until early next week if that's okay.
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posted
Grumpy old guy's prompts aside, where we agree is more significant than where we disagree. Two areas we at Hatrack universally agree about writing; that is, reader effect, emotional response; and agency, the transformative processes of an unfolding action.
This opening is static in both regards. Cassius Chaerea gulps sour wine and overlooks Rome, pensive, emotionally neutral, a slow start, too slow for readers unfamiliar with Chaerea's place in history. Maybe too slow for readers who are in the know, too slow for me and I do know about Chaerea's place in history.
György Lukács in The Historical Novel discusses historical fiction's numerous challenges. Present-day relevance is one, issues of portraying well-documented historical celebrities is another, both relevant to this opening's shortcomings, what doesn't work for me.
Chaerea pensively takes a wine break before getting to the deed. This is pump priming, no dramatic action, no agency, no emotional attitude toward the main topic or subject of the narrative. I know what's about to happen. What will happen. I have no clue, cue, or hint what the narrative will express about the event.
Note, the event of substance for this opening is Chaerea gulps sour wine and looks down on Rome. No clash of wills, clash of doubts, clash of any kind, no significant event.
Openings are for introductions, the dramatic action foremost, though events, settings, and characters as well. An opening that portrays a routine about to or in process of interruption needs a touch of foreshadowing to set that up. A routine interruption opening needs to imply all is not well, at least so that readers are aware events are about to take a turn.
Readers familiar with Cassius Chaerea's place in history will recognize what's about to happen. Why would they read if they know what's going to happen? Only one reason to read, to check the historical authenticity of the report for accuracy.
Engaging both readers familiar and unfamiliar comes from expressing an emotional attitude toward the human condition topic. Iowa writing program workshops and writing programs generally label this principle "tone." The attitude expressed toward a topic or subject. The attitude must be emotional. Chaerea expresses no attitude toward the circumstances he's in, maybe sour wine, maybe symbolism from his high vantage over Rome, maybe, though unclear what his attitude is.
Also, event is first and foremost most easily how to engage readers. What is the event of this opening? Chaerea relaxes atop a high vantage point overlooking Rome. Static, unmoving, nondramatic. Drama is the intersection of antagonism, causation, and tension. Dramatic complication is the first and foremost plot engine: antagonizing wants and problems causing satisfaction want: emotional antagonism, causation, and tension. Another universal writing workshop principle: express an agonist's want, or problem, the action, the plot, the narrative begins barreling along the rollercoaster track.
For me, this opening doesn't work due to event, antagonism, causation, tension, and emotional disequilibrium shortcomings, emotional attitude generally. Placing Chaerea in crisis is missing.
The title "The White Horse" implies a favorable attitude toward Chaerea's role in history. I suspect the narrative portrays him as noble. Noble agonists do not drive narrative drama. Hubris does. Perhaps for appeal's sake, //Pewter Horse//, an alloy of base lead and noble silver, nobility and wickedness, Rome and Caligula's reign in a nutshell, Chaerea too, apropos of a title.
Chaerea ends up as the scapegoat of the pivotal event, the tragic noble sacrifice of a classic Aristotlean tragedy. Yet his self-involved motives are for me the more entertaining and dramatic substance of the event. Caligula knicknamed Chaerea "Horse" when they were childhood companions. Caligula's mocking and torments of Chaerea esclated over time. Arguably, Chaerea had selfish motive for the deed. If the title is ironic, though, that would be sublime and profound. Hubris the human condition ironically commented upon. Now that would be exciting.
Consider the opening scene as Chaerea emotionally in turmoil, the wine as sour as his mood, his height above Rome as his belief he's above the petty rivalries and squabbles of Rome, the setting and his awareness of its details symbolic of the clash and doubts of his thoughts, and foreshadowing the decision to come, though all the while hubris the point of the narrative as a dramatic irony readers universally access.
Show the man as the frail, flawed human he is, though his cause is just, though he doubts, he believes he does noble acts for the common good, however, though he quells his self-involved motives, they are, in fact, his overriding agenda for which he is uniquely positioned. Do not forget, the Praetorian Guard were part of the widespread conspiracy. Chaerea symbolizes their political and violence powers' influences in Rome.
That latter has present-day, timely relevance: the hubris of military and militarized law enforcement's tendencies to judge, decide, and execute by their violent standards. Also, what might the narrative express about corruption in high places? Power corrupts, ultimate power corrupts absolutely, also hubris. Pride goeth before a fall.
posted
While I am not averse to a languid opening, extrinsic, I missed the bit about this being a short story. No time for the [i]slow reveal[/]. Also, in hindsight, perhaps my limited knowledge about Cassius Chaerea meant I was reading more into the opening than a reader unfamiliar with the character might.
posted
You make valid points above, Grumpy old guy. Your latter observation about being familiar with Chaerea's place in history informing your reading is also valid. A balanced writing approach spans both familiar and unfamiliar reader, familiar readers caught up at first by validating a historical narrative's authenticity, reconciles both familiar and unfamiliar readers fully committed to a narrative by the emotionally stimulating, personal action.
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posted
Hello rcrabtree, Not a critique so much as a reminder. Many websites now have maps and other geographical information sufficient to allow a writer to place a character in an exact position. Exacting information (geographical location, species of ant and tree) will enhance any narrative, fictive or non.
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