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Author Topic: Controlled Descent
Member # 9501

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Ursula restored the ambient lighting as the holographic lens retracted back into the projector. The presentation was near flawless without the usual software glitches, artifact ghosting, and outer edge blurring. Booyah, she thought, another hardfought sale come to fruition.

“Any questions?” she asked as she segued into her final spiel thumbing the signed non-disclosure agreements. She expected some low tech rehash but was ready to share the more confidential aspects. She knew the executives were summing her up based on bra measurement to panty size ratio but could articulate the technical jargon better than the designers.

“How will it integrate with our current hardware?”

“Typically, we would install a transitional interface,”

[ May 30, 2015, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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Member # 1818

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It reads smoothly. We get a clear sense of personality and motivation from Ursula. It doesn't particularly hook me because there is nothing super-interesting plotwise yet, but it doesn't turn me off, either. If I knew what she was selling, that would help. I don't think an opening has to be really hooky right up front, though, so that's not necessarily a fault. Nothing wrong with a slow burn story. I would keep reading based on the smoothness of the writing and the interesting MC: a woman in a boys' club trying to get a piece of their pie.
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Disgruntled Peony
Member # 10416

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The fact that I don't know what she's selling bothers me. I'm sure it's answered further into the story, but as things currently stand that particular aspect is incredibly unclear.

That's my only issue, though. The writing is good, and I find myself intrigued. I would certainly not be opposed to reading further.

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Member # 9682

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I would read on. It's not an exciting, or especially intriguing, opening, but yeah, I wouldn't stop here, so I guess you've got me just hooked enough.

But if at the end of the page something more interesting isn't introduced, I probably wouldn't finish the story.

Basically, I second everything Wetwilly said.

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Member # 10414

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presentation was flawless --> presentation had been flawless. As it's complete.

First paragraph is free, OSC says. You're free to tell us what she's selling and why (or whether) we should care, or whatever else is the setup, a hook-y one I hope, for your story. As it is, well, just as others say: surface details are clear; we don't really know what's going on (what she's selling); writing is clear and easy, but the hook isn't strong. Tell us and I suspect it will be.

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Member # 10425

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I like the way it brings in the topic of sexism early. Is this going to be a major theme? She is aware of the broken thinking of the execs and still strong enough to move forward. I'm interested to see how this woman takes on the world.
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Brian Carlson
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Just to be sure, is it Ursula or the executives that could articulate the technical jargon better than the designer?
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Member # 10427

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I get lost at "Booyah." I can't read it without thinking of Kim Possible episodes. [Smile] Would a faddish word like that really endure into the holography time period?

Need to do a comma tune-up. I wouldn't read more because the business world is all around me each day, so it's not very interesting. The story needs something more than hologram tech to stir up interest, or at least to tell me it's going to be more than business-with-future-tech.

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