Third-Person Limited Omniscient Narrator Blown Away By Surprise Ending

PROVIDENCE, RI—The third-person limited omniscient voice, a narrative mode used to convey a story through the thoughts and senses of a literary character, was reportedly "caught totally off guard" after the main character was unexpectedly killed in the last chapter of the new novel Bertram's Way.

"Holy ****, I did not see that coming. Did you see that coming?" the disembodied literary device said on page 367 following the last paragraph of the novel. "Man, right in the head!"

The popular narrative method said it would try to pay closer attention when utilized in the book's planned sequel, Bertram's Revenge.

Original source: http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/third_person_limited

EDITED: to fix tags because I forgot where I was

R.L. Stine Reveals Slappy From Night Of The Living Dummy Was Gay

NEW YORK—Children's author R.L. Stine broke his long-held media silence Monday to announce that Slappy, the evil ventriloquist's dummy from the Goosebumps Night Of The Living Dummy trilogy, was a homosexual.

"This is not completely unexpected," said Goosebumps fan Ned Kosorowski, who has long speculated that the fictional wooden doll preferred the company of men, and has even written fan fiction describing graphic sexual encounters between Slappy and Amy's father. "Slappy's constant attempts to break out of the closet that Amy stores him in at night clearly represent his struggle with homosexuality—as well as his deep-seated, repressed feelings for [rival ventriloquist's dummy] Mr. Wood."

Stine refused to address rumors regarding the possibility that Greg from Say Cheese And Die—Again! suffers from bipolar disorder.