posted
Well... I guess I'll forgo the preemptive trashing and just post the bloody thing. Here goes.
quote: Far back as my memory goes I’ve always been looking for it; the (~*~); God’s true form. As though I was born drifting through the void, searching; sifting through a billion points of light; trudging through a thousand permutations of reality. I've awakened on frozen alien tundras, frantically digging through permafrost, hands scorched by frost-bite. I've found myself plodding through searing dessert sand, beat down by the heat of twin suns. Each time I awoke I found myself on a new world, walking, searching, with no memory of how I got there, unsure of where I was headed.
I was a Seeker; God’s punishment, God’s reward for eating the fruit of persistence.
This is a modified version of the prologue I mentioned in the ODAW. So, lemme have it.
posted
I didn't get the (~*~) -- typographical snafu?
I also don't get what MC *is* -- whether he's a man who's now in other lives, or a spirit, or something else. I don't know what it means for him to be God's punishment and God's reward.
I can't relate to the quest, either, since I don't know what type of universe I'm in: is this a philosophical inquiry he has (and the tundra-digging is unrelated), or is this a magician type thing and we might find that God's true form is to have 6 arms...I just don't know.
posted
I'm intrigued. However, I think you have my problem: expecting the majority of your audience to be hooked until you explain everything. Most of them aren't willing to wait for the door to your story to open. You understand what I mean?
Also, I suggest you delete the extra 's' in "desert". All I could think about when I read that was cake and brownies.
posted
Hmm… I love that you’re asking questions Wbrigs... But you don’t seem to. I wanted to create a bit of intrigue, though that’s not what I’m sensing in your critique. Confusion perhaps? That’s certainly not what I was going for.
No, (~*~) is not a typographical error. It’s meant to be a symbol for something that’s nameless, though I could just as well give it a name, lol. It's something akin to the Holy Grail.
Here is another version of the opening I was considering. It still aims for the hook of intrigue though it at least makes it clear that it’s a person we’re listening to. It also establishes that fictional audience from the onset rather than waiting for it to be revealed in the end...
quote: Please, I just want to rest. But I suppose you deserve to know, love; God is, God was, may he rest in peace, a casualty of his own holy war. I guess I should say something here-- about the blood of the righteous? Forgive us our trespasses?
Our trespasses. Don’t you remember? Far back as my memory goes I’ve always been looking for God’s true form. As though I was born drifting through the void, searching; sifting through a billion points of light; trudging through a thousand permutations of reality. I’ve awakened on frozen alien tundras, frantically digging through permafrost, hands scorched by frost-bite. I’ve found myself plodding through searing desert sands...
[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 18, 2007).]
posted
I rather liked the first version better and not the second. As the reader, I don't like being spoken to and included in your story. I know you're trying to establish your audience, but why? Most stories just tell the story, assuming the reader is the audience. I feel it distracting, like the character is pointing at me or facing me.
I liked the first version, however, I think it still needs a touchup.
>Far back as my memory goes I’ve always been looking for it; the (~*~); God’s true form.<
'As far back as I can remember I've always been looking for (--), God's true form.' I did it this way to cut down on the melodrama.
>searing dessert sand<
dessert is the thing you eat after dinner.
>God’s reward for eating the fruit of persistence.<
Question: What is the fruit of persistence? The word persistence is so vague in this instance. Needs clarity. Also, this has a lot of biblical overtones. Is that what you want? It leaves me wondering if persistence is something akin to good and evil and Eve ate it, whatever it is.
I don't know where you're going with this, but I'm wondering if you need this meodramatic introduction. Have you thought about starting your story with MC bent against the howling winds of a strange world and digging in the tundra? In other words, can you incorporate this information into your story?
posted
I rather like it. (~) does seem a little better than (~*~), and while the image of "dessert sand" is interesting, I have to agree that you probably mean desert sand.
As for "persistence", it's a pretty weak word here. It may be precisely the term you want, but one wonders who would eat the fruit of "persistence" rather than, say, the fruit of immortality, or of eternity, or infinity, etc.
Fruit of fortitude, maybe
Or perhaps that only seemed funny to me. Anyway, I like the first opening you posted. The other version...really doesn't cut it. It's not very coherent at all. The first opening shows us a narrator who knows the story and is willing to tell it straight. That works for me.
posted
If (~*~) is important, you might just have to come out and say waht it is. "(~*~), the ineffable name of God, as understood by the Ancient Poobahs."
About intrigue: here's some advice from OSC. Don't worry about it. Tell the readers everything (at least, everything that's relevant in the moment). He went further: you can even tell the readers what's going to happen, in paragraph 1, and it will make them want to read it! If it's good.
The way to create suspense, he said, is to let the reader know everything -- except one or two crucial details.
posted
IMHO, I like the first one better. Your getting to the information in a timely manner without it being an info dump, I don't feel like your holding back secrets, and the narrator doesn't come across as creating a list of information without the pretense of story. To me this is good.
as a Nit I would recommend trying to get a little more character, a little angst at what has been done, or some feeling at least. For as it is now, I don't really know anything this person/thing/spirit/wraith are feeling about the situation other than 'frantically' which does emote a little feeling, but maybe not what your going for in an MC. I like an MC who has a little more resilience, but that is just my preference.
Good Job, as a reader, I would probably keep going, but you only have me hooked for another page or so, depending on how the rest goes...
edited to say, 'For as far back as my memory...' sounds a little cleaner to me (just another nit)
[This message has been edited by eclectic skeptic (edited January 19, 2007).]
posted
I'm only going off the first version as the others seem to agree it is the better one.
I get a conflicting sense from it: You say he's drifting through some kind of void ( a void contains nothing yet this one contains billions of lights) yet then you say he keeps waking up on diferent worlds with no memory.
The journey through the void (a void traditionally doesn't contain direction because the absence of anything substantial deprives the person in it of means of discerning progress of movement) suggests he is on a quest searching for something. If he keeps losing his memory how can he remember what he is doing/looking for?
Personally I would have preferred him to say he had lived many lives, each one started on a diferent world with only the vaguest memory of his previous lives and each time with a compulsion to find this god. I have no idea if this fits with your story but it is an approach that I would identify with easier.
And if you retain the current format I would suggest using a diferent word from void.
(as always I am only giving my opinion which may well be wrong)
posted
Does the speaker have memory of his/her past or not? that was my only (crititcal) thought when I finished. I am hooked on the concept and would read to find out more.
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Chaldea - I was mindful of the melodrama, though I realize now that it may be off-putting right at the start of the story. I’ll try to tone it down a bit or just save it for another time in the story.
Survivor/chaldea - Fruit of persistence was meant to be mysterious. Anything else would be too obvious. The discovery of its meaning is a major plot point. All of the vague notions it conjures is also intentional… I was hoping to invoke questions in the mind of the readers, and in that respect I failed. Another valuable lesson; don’t clump mysteries so close together without some concrete information! Especially at the beginning of the story.
Thanks for the link brigs. I’ll take a look at that now.
After these critiques I’m seriously considering beginning the story in a different place.
I’ve actually decided to take a completely different approach here. This tale is based on a dream I once had which I've been meaning to turn into a story every since. The new version which I just started ten minutes ago is truer to the original dream and I explain everything in the first act rather than the second. Also I toned down the religious overtones as well as the melodrama. It's almost a comedy now, but deep down it's still a love story. I call it Somniloquy and I'm posting it on the FAF right now.
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