posted
This is the beginning of my latest book. I'm aping the plot structure of the Iliad to flesh out some of the themes I find most compelling. According to my outline, it'll end up a cool 110,000 words. Here are the first few:
Gossiping mouths still gather in small groups clucking the wrath of Naki Yeboah, Senator Jakob Yeboah's daughter. Tongues spinning horrors of jobs lost, families broken, charisma crushed, strong backs bowed, and refugee children orphaned by the harsh light of Naki's glaring, bitter wisdom. This story begins with the division between Naki and Professor Theodore Johnson.
Degradation drove these two to conflict. Degradation endured by the tutors in Professor Johnson's initiative. Professor Johnson led a pilot program which brought graduate students from the University of Chicago into Dunbar High School. The program was aimed at High School Juniors and sought to stave crime and cultivate character by keeping "at-risk" youths in close communion...
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited February 16, 2007).]
posted
It's pretty thick to read, because it's thick with metaphor that must be thought about a little to understand. For example, in the first line, I first pictured a group of mouths floating in a circle, clucking, rather than a group of people standing in a circle talking.
You might make the language more ordinary (not perfectly ordinary, perhaps, but more ordinary), and also get us started on the part of story we enjoy the most: the in-the-moment action. Summary is fine if you need it to understand the action, but you accomplish that with one line, something like, "Naki, the Senator's daughter, hated Professor Johnson ever since [whatever it was happened]."
posted
I couldn't make it through the first paragraph. It was too "dense." The images didn't work for me (I had the same impression that Will did about the mouths).
You mention Naki in the first paragraph but don't what the "glaring, bitter wisdom" or "wrath" is or is about.
IMHO, if the story starts with Naki and Prof. Theo. Johnson, start there. Show me how thier conflict started. I'll get the history as the story progresses.
Your beginning is thick with metaphor and because it is so thick, it's hard to make out what you're trying to say. I like the image of the clucking gossipers, but I couldn't tell what they were gossiping about. I couldn't tell if "clucking the wrath" meant parroting it like they were telling each other how mad Naki is or if you mean they are mad at Naki. The last sentence in the first paragraph is a little jarring. It's written so plainly while the previoius have all these evocative verbs.
I don't know what you're trying to tell with the degradation sentences. Since the first paragraph ended with such a plain statement. I think jumping to the third sentence beginning with Prof. Johnson would flow better.
posted
This is very poetic in its style, beautiful actually, but its very hard work to read. Most under 16 would give up quickly. Thats probably not a good sign. Although an english professor might love it.
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