posted
This is the first paragraph of my contemporary fantasy novel "Fire and Brimstone", the first of a series involving the same characters:
<quote>As far as secret societies go, ours really wasn’t much of a secret. Well, at least the fact that it existed wasn’t a secret. It’s sort of like Yale’s “Skull and Bones”; everyone knows it exists, but doesn’t know much else about it. We definitely aren’t quite in that league, but then again, there aren’t any rumors about the silly, arcane rituals we perform with our members, either. </quote>
Fire and Brimstone is a humorous novel about a group of moden-day magic users who find themselves in the middle of an interdimensional war, and must not only save a far-flung plane, but their own as well.
If anyone enjoys contemporary fantasy and would like to read a longer extract, please email me and I'd be happy to share a couple of chapters.
quote: Fire and Brimstone is a humorous novel about a group of moden-day magic users who find themselves in the middle of an interdimensional war, and must not only save a far-flung plane, but their own as well.
I didn't get ANY of this from your opening quote. It sounds more like an idea than a beginning.
I suggest something like:
Our club wasn't a secret organization, but no-one believed we really did magic. Those who believed, or wanted to, were welcome. That thinned out the numbers.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 11, 2007).]
posted
You could say the same thing in fewer words. Ditto IB on the need to convey the humor more, too.
As secret societies go, ours wasn’t much of a secret. It’s sort of like Yale’s “Skull and Bones”[;]: everyone knows it exists, but not much else. We aren’t in their league, but then there aren’t rumors about silly, arcane rituals we perform with our members, either.
posted
I'm afraid I prefer InarticulatBabbler's version. It seems less like lecture and more like story.
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It’s sort of like Yale’s “Skull and Bones”; everyone knows it exists, but doesn’t know much else about it.
I don't!
My advice would be to introduce your not-so-secret society with an event that happened within it, rather than comparing it to something else that people may not be familiar with. Give us an humorous story to kick it off and we'll be hooked.
posted
The last bit of the quote, "but then again, there aren’t any rumors about the silly, arcane rituals we perform with our members, either," implies to me that they don't perform silly rituals, but the Skull and Bones do, then you say they're magic users, so they do rituals, right? And they're silly because this is humorous, uh, right? I didn't know this was fantasy from the quote. The quote and your summary have something of a disconnect for me. They don't seem to go together.
Also watch your tense. You switch from past to present in the quote, which may be the cause for my confusion.
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