Sadly, I cannot finalize my thoughts about the complete story itself. If I gave a summary today, it would be different by tomorrow. Alas, I'm playing with play-dough (sp) on this one, but its slowly changing into a much more solid figure.

"It was a baptism by fire..." he paused, stretching his hands out wide. Then, after he had snagged the attention of the crowd he continued, "The snaking tendrils of flame ripped through the sky, allowing the towering plumes of thick black smoke to break its way into the heavens, the deep red glow of the setting sun accentuating its hellish ascent." Listeners were quieting down. Good, he thought, this was the part where everyone started to really listen. "The sound of the wood crackling in the intense heat could even be heard outside the smoke-stained walls of the city, sometimes a large snap echoed its way across the countryside, often accompanied by the yelp of a young onlooker." He showed his warmest smile. This, was the part where everyone felt most comfortable. He sucked in a deep breath,

[This message has been edited by Ian.Stark (edited April 11, 2007).]

At present, I find the story a little too hard to follow, so I can't tell how enjoyable it is. My suggestions beyond those in the text:

* Have paragraph breaks. I know, it's all one speaker, but that's still a long paragraph.

* He sucked in a deep breath, "But it wasn't the sound..." Period here. Compare to He said, "But it wasn't...". He is the subject, and "But it wasn't..." is the object. "But it wasn't..." can't be the object of "sucked," because it already has an object, which is "deep breath." A period lets "He sucked in a deep breath" be its own sentence -- which it is -- and "But it wasn't..." is also its own sentence.

* Just Tell Us (TM) so we'll know what's going on more quickly. As in

quote:

---

"It was a baptism by fire," Jonathan Edwards told the crowd at the revival. They'd come to have him frighten them, and he wasn't going to disappoint. Stories about people burning to death. If it weren't too over the top, he could throw in something about babies screaming. Actually, that wasn't a bad idea. He'd save that for the end.

"The snaking tendrils of flame ripped through the sky," he added...

---

So this gives us
* name
* where we are
* why he's talking
* what he's talking about
* a little of his inner world
* a hook. We'd want to know why he was giving them such gruesome entertainment. You might get to the screams and the children and the guilt more quickly, to set the hook earlier.

So whatever *your* story is, you can do the same, so we'll know exactly what we need to to want to read further.

This beginning's purpose is to show the reader a portion of this society's warped mentality, to make them want to question why they would think that way.

I understand that most people think the beginning of a novel is the most important piece; but for me this beginning is to act as a catalyst for the rest of the story writing process.

John Edwards, nice choice.

[This message has been edited by Ian.Stark (edited April 11, 2007).]

You have the sound of the wood crackling reaching past the city and a metaphorical onlooker being startled by the large snaps and then you say the screams of the trapped are even louder...and while I'm writing this, Kathleen has deleted the part I'm referring to so I can't quote for certain now. I just think if one sound is really loud and then another sound is louder and possibly drowning out the first loud sound why build up the first sound so much? Again, sorry if my comments seem a little muddled.

quote:

---

"It was a baptism by fire..." [name] paused[. S]tretching his hands out wide[,he played it up for the crowd. would eliminate the need for: Then, after he had snagged the attention of the crowd he continued,] "The snaking tendrils of flame [Are they snaking or ripping?] ripped through the sky[. necessary?--> allowing the towering plumes of] [T]hick black smoke [broke shortens:[/i] to break its way] into the heavens, the deep red glow of the setting sun accentuating its hellish ascent." [The crowd quieted. would simplify:Listeners were quieting down.] [needed?-->Good, he thought,] [T]his was the part where everyone started to [needed?-->really (if so, it would look better beore started)] listen. "The [needed?-->sound of the] wood crackling in the intense heat could [needed?-->even] be heard outside the smoke-stained walls of the city[. S]ometimes[,] a large snap echoed its way across the countryside, often accompanied by the yelp of a young onlooker." [Name] showed his warmest smile. [The crowd shifted uncomfortably. shorter version of: This, was the part where everyone felt most comfortable.] He sucked in a deep breath

---

And:

quote:

---

Just Tell Us (TM) so we'll know what's going on more quickly.

So this gives us
* name
* where we are
* why he's talking
* what he's talking about
* a little of his inner world
* a hook. We'd want to know why he was giving them such gruesome entertainment. You might get to the screams and the children and the guilt more quickly, to set the hook earlier.

---

...what briggs said.