I have been working on this project for quite some time, it is still very rough, but I am getting there. I wanted to post one of my two alternative openings. This one is all dialogue, the other one is more history leading up to this moment in time.
quick synopsis:
Cargo ship is attacked by one of two waring factions. They escape but just barely, when they are rescued they are pressed into service by the same faction that attacked them. The survivors of the original attack become pivotal in stopping the century old war, and are pitted against the man who attacked them who is trying to further his own grab for power by keeping the war going and killing half the human race.

“They are damn close,” the navigator said.
“How many,” asked Alex.
“Not sure yet, the radar only says half a dozen, but a minute ago it said there were none of them.”
“What is the status of the Wimbelton?”
“90% of the cargo is off loaded, but it is the small stuff that is left that we were unloading via the umbilical.”
“How close? Could we out run them”
“The Pegasus maybe, but the Wimbelton no way... Wait ten more of them just appeared on the radar. They must be using that comet as cover. That is the only way.”
“Ten? That brings us to sixteen.”
“Yeah and with that many there is no way even the

a little long but I wanted to finish the sentence.

for now I am just looking for comments on the first 13 and if anyone wants to comment on the synopsis that would be wonderful as well.

Edited for grammer (ARUGH!)

[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited April 19, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited April 19, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 19, 2007).]

quote:

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They are [They're]damn close![,]” T[t]he navigator said.
“How many?” A[a]sked Alex.[Alex who - where are we, who are these poeple - are we on a spacehsip of some kind - I think we need to know]
“Not sure yet, the radar only says half a dozen, but a minute ago it said there were none of them [suggest ending the sentance at none].” [How many what?]
“What is the status of the Wimbelton?”[this will probably only apply for those of us from the UK, but I want to say Wimbledon when I read this.]
“90% [Ninety percent] of the cargo is off loaded, but it is the small stuff that is left that we were unloading [but we need to unload the smaller stuff - or something along those line]via the umbilical.”
“How close? Could we out run them[?]”
“The Pegasus maybe, but the Wimbelton no way... Wait ten more of them [suggest delete 'of them'] just appeared on the radar. They must be using that [the?] comet as cover. That['s] is the only way.”
“Ten? That brings us to sixteen.”
“Yeah and with that many there is no way even the Pegasus could out run them, the would hound us until we ran out of fuel,or they were able to disable her engines.”

---

We need to see the tention here - this is obviously an urgent situation. Placing the occasional beat at the end or before some of the dialogue will show us that. Eg: "What is the status of the Wimbelton?” Alex held his breath for a moment... or whatever fits your story.

Whose POV is this?

Starting with dialogue isn't wrong, but I'd like to see a sentance before it to give us a sense of location and situation - it would help to give a clearer picture of the story.

The synopsis doesn't make the story sound all that interesting - I don't think I would read it on that basis. Basically you've told us how we get to a certain point, but nothing beyond that. The synopsis should tell us about the main characters, the major subplots and how the stroy evolves. Tell us how these warring factions are.

Sorry I forget to say; The dialogue doesn't sound all the convincing. As suggested, try using contractions unless there is a reason why these people talk in this formal way.

[edited to add last paragraph]

I had thought about trying to combine the two beginings, but I think based on your comments I might just add a couple of lines to the intro Something to the effect of.

This had never been the Rovers war. The Earth and Mars had been blasting each other to bits for over a hundred years but they had always left the cargo lanes they both needed alone. Now that was all changing. More to the point, Alex thought, now their ships were being attacked.
[then the dialogue]

I don't know how much that would help, and obviously it is very rough since I just tossed it together.

Thanks again.

[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited April 19, 2007).]

Comment on the synopsis:

I am curious about what was on the cargo ship and why the one warring party wanted to possess it or to destroy it. How is this object/being connected to the survivors (unless it is those particular survivors who are the desired cargo)?

What kept the enemy from immediately killing the survivors?
What were the survivors forced to do for the enemy?

Is the cargo the reason the war has lasted for so long? If not, what is this war about and how has the man managed to destroy half the human race?

I see a few contradictions. First, how can you be rescued if you already escaped? Also, if you are under the enemy's control, then you were captured? not rescued?

Tense confusion: Did the survivors help end the war before or after confronting the man?

quote:

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“They[Who? What?] are damn close,” [Name,] the navigator[,] said.
“How many,” asked Alex.
“Not sure yet[. T]he radar only says half a dozen, but a minute ago it said there were none of them.”
“What is the status of the Wimbelton?”
“[90%=Ninety percent] of the cargo is [offloaded], but it is the small stuff that is left[. W]e were unloading [that,] via the umbilical.”
“How close [are the Evil Robot Monkeys]? Could we out run them”
“[With t]he Pegasus maybe, but[, with] the Wimbelton[? N]o way.[do you need the ellipses?..] Wait[,] ten more of them just appeared on the radar. They must be using that comet as cover. [Needed?-->That is the only way.]”
“Ten? That brings us to sixteen.”[The Navigator should be able to add. Suggest: Alex whistled.]
“Yeah[,] and with that many[,] there is no way even the Pegasus could out run them[. T]he[y<--?] would hound us until we ran out of fuel,or they were able to disable her engines.”

---

When you open with dialogue, it has to be extremely compelling to hold my interest. This was worded a little clunky.

Let me see if I can answer your questions. Things that are covered much later in the story.

They are basically being used for Target practice to train new commanders. It is illegal, and the man in charge thought he had killed every one. Thus they become a thorn in his side later on, and while he tries to dispose of them they stumble on his "evil plot."

The are rescued a few years later by someone one that is friendly to them, the Rovers. He, their rescuer, tries to set them free but the higher ups are so desperate for people that they are pressed into service.

How has the man managed to destroy half the human race? That is a good point but a lynch pin in the plot so I don't want to say.

[Edited again for grammer.] [I really can put more than two words together without a gramatical error. Really I can.]

Okay, maybe not so cliched, but get into some action, don't just have these two non-descript guys moaning to each other about enemies the reader is unable to see. Here's the action I see: The Wimbleton (english astronauts?) is being reloaded. Lots of enemies come after the Wimbleton. Two guys sit off to the side and talk about how much trouble they're in. Are they in the Control Room? If so -- bustling soldiers, IC shouting orders, ect. Chaos. War isn't orderly.

#2, Shorten dialouge, and #3, add some humanity. Clunkers like

quote:

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“The Pegasus maybe, but the Wimbelton no way... Wait ten more of them just appeared on the radar... That is the only way.”
“Ten? That brings us to sixteen.”

---

A possible rewrite, not a good one but an example of what I mean:

quote:

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"The Wimbelton can't get out. We're staying," Alex muttered, cursing the metallic scrap heaps headed thier way.
"Sir! Bogey contact. Ten raiders!"
"****, the comet. It's a blind spot." Alex grabbed the intercom. "put me through to Alpha leader."
"This is Alpha leader."
Alex gritted his teeth. He hated dealing with Crossfire, but he was good. "Get to that comet."

---

Not very good still, but you get the idea.

RADAR, is radio waves and like light does not require a medium to travel through. I think you are thinking of SONAR, SONAR is sound waves and you are right that would not work in space. NASA Uses Radar for all kinds of things, from mapping planet surfaces to keeping the space shuttle and the ISS from smashing into each other. That is the Beauty of light / radio waves they travel at the same speed no matter if there is a medium to travel thought or not. How much of a medium is out there determines how much is bounced back and gives you cool things like cloud cover.
Sorry this is part of my part time job and a bit of a hobby, didn't mean to spout.

I like these details; they add clarity to your synopsis. I recommend replacing "They," "It," "man in charge," with specific nouns. Who is used for target practice? What is illegal? Who is the man in charge?

Because I am not experienced in professional writing, I researched 'synopsis' and found a couple of sites that might be helpful.

To All Members: Do the following sites give a good idea of what a synopsis should contain?

http://www.eclectics.com/articles/synopsis.html
http://www.fictionwriters.com/tips-synopsis.html

I am so glad I chose to critique this particular entry. I wrote an outline for my story not realizing I could shape it into something more like the story I want to write. Yes, unfortunately I am one of those simple minded people who can't figure out for myself to add more feeling to my outline, then rename it as a synopsis.

I think that this rewrite covers the important points and provides the hook, but that is really for you to judge.

Before I get to the rewrite, I want to say thanks for the help and sorry poor spelling / grammar in the first post. it has been a long time since I let someone read my fiction and forgot to have a friend check me before I posted.

Here we go. [closing my eyes]
*****
Alex sat strapped into his seat on the bridge of the Pegasus, watching the cargo transfer as they prepared to abandon the dieing Wimbledon.
The hundred year old war between Earth, Mars and the outer planets had started as a revolt against Earth's insistence that it be the central government. In all that time, they all had left the Rover run shipping lanes, that they all needed, alone. Some of the Rovers had joined one side or the other, but it was always for the money. But now, over a century into the war, with no money and no people to fill the ranks the Rovers became easy targets.
An alarm brought Alex back to the present.
“Six Mars attack ships just appeared on the radar sir,”
*******

Thanks again

quote:

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Alex sat strapped into his seat on the bridge of the Pegasus, watching the cargo transfer as they prepared to abandon the dieing [dying] Wimbledon.
The hundred year old war between Earth, Mars and the outer planets had started as a [perhaps try something like: began with the revolt] revolt against Earth's insistence that it be the central government. In all that time, they all had left the Rover run shipping lanes, that they all needed, alone.[This sentance is clunky. suggest something like: They had left the much needed Rover run shipping lanes alone: or however you would want to word it] Some of the Rovers had joined one side or the other,[think this first bit needs a rethink] but it was always for the money. But now, over a century into the war, [we know the war has been going on for a century so don't need the reminder here] with no money and no people to fill the ranks the Rovers became easy targets.
An alarm brought Alex back to the present.
“Six Mars attack ships just appeared on the radar sir,”

---

Some of the wording needs ironing out, but now we know a little more of what's going on. My only other suggestion would be to say: Alex, the ships captian.. or whoever he is.

Just to add: Good job on letting us know you have added a re-write!

[edited to add last sentance]

quote:

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Alex sat strapped into his seat on the bridge of the Pegasus, watching the cargo transfer as they prepared to abandon the [dieing =dying] Wimbledon.
The hundred year old war between Earth, Mars and the outer planets[,] had started [as a revolt against = with] Earth's insistence that it be the [central = center?] government. In all that time, they all had left the Rover[-]run shipping lanes[, that they all needed,<--do you need this?] alone. Some of the Rovers had joined [one side or the other,which side? If you bring it up, do it for a reason.] but it was always for the money. But now, over a century into the war, with no money and no people to fill the ranks[,] the Rovers became easy targets.
An alarm brought Alex back to the present.
“Six Mars attack ships just appeared on the radar sir,”

---

It's a little better, but the first part sounds like a major Infodump. I suggest you leak this information out in bits that are relevant to the story. IMHO - This should START with something like:

An alarm sounded. Alex Commanderguy started. He sat up straight, and turned his seat to face to monitors.

quote:

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Alex sat strapped into his seat on the bridge of the [Rover ship ]Pegasus,...

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