“Wake yourself, Scavenger! The military is upon us, and we need all the help we can get. Wake up, Cillian!”
“I hear - I’m up Dom, no more shouting.” Dull morning light filtered through the window screen, as the ethereal shadows of soldiers sprinted past. Dragging myself from a demolished sleeping bag, I clenched an AK-47 and leapt out into the make-shift complex towards the sound of gunfire and shouting. Running, I took stock of ammunition and became painfully aware that my Kevlar vest still rested on the floor of my tent.
Feeling faint, I lowered my head in reverence to the whir of bullets flying past and cringed at the blasts erupting intermittently throughout the complex. Taking cover behind a concrete wall, I pulled out my last insulin shot.

--The revised version is at the bottom. Any advice?--

[This message has been edited by thecox (edited April 05, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 05, 2007).]

A little awkward phrasing for the first sentence. It's too formal for a modern day firefight.

“I hear - I’m up Dom, no more shouting.” Dull morning light filtered through the window screen, as the ethereal shadows of soldiers sprinted past. Dragging myself from a demolished sleeping bag, I clenched an AK-47 and leapt out into the make-shift complex towards the sound of gunfire and shouting.

I like this. Repetition at the beginning; the cliched, "I'm up. I'm up. No more shouting, Dom." may work also. In a battle, action is fast and confused, so perhaps the sentences should be short and choppy.

Running, I took stock of ammunition and became painfully aware that my Kevlar vest still rested on the floor of my tent.
Feeling faint, I lowered my head in reverence to the whir of bullets flying past and cringed at the blasts erupting intermittently throughout the complex.

Same as above regarding shorter sentences. I don't like the lowering of head in reverence.

Taking cover behind a concrete wall, I pulled out my last insulin shot and jammed it unceremoniously through my clothes. Tossing the syringe, I turned towards the military’s advance and stepped out of cover in one fluid motion.

This won't work. Insulin is dosed quite tightly. Depending on the kind of insulin he just injected, he may pass out from hypoglycemia in 10 minutes since he didn't eat. Also, the needles on the syringes are quite thin and short. They likely would not be able to punch through his army fatigues and reach the subcutaneous tissue where insulin is meant to be deposited. Most people wouldn't notice this, but if you want accuracy...

Ready, aim, fire. The trigger resisted. Clicking the safety off this time, I fired in short, deadly bursts at our military assailants. They crumpled one after another like dominoes, creating makeshift piles around the complex perimeter. I liked to think my deadly accuracy made up for my weakness secondary to diabetes.

Diabetics aren't weak; they just need to do more to maintain their health than most other people.

[This message has been edited by Radone (edited April 05, 2007).]

My take.

quote:

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“Wake yourself, Scavenger! The military is upon us, and we need all the help we can get. Wake up, Cillian!” [This is problematic. It doesn't feel true. I don't believe "The military is upon us..." is how they would talk. Too stiff, formal.]

“I hear - I’m up Dom, no more shouting.” Dull morning light filtered through the window screen, as the ethereal shadows of soldiers sprinted past.[You don't need the "I hear...". It sounds a little stiff.]

Dragging myself from a demolished sleeping bag, I clenched an AK-47 and leapt out into the make-shift complex towards the sound of gunfire and shouting.[The tense gets changed. "Dragging... and "shouting..." instead of dragged and shouted. And it weakens the verbs.]

Running, I took stock of ammunition and became painfully aware that my Kevlar vest still rested on the floor of my tent.
Feeling faint, I lowered my head in reverence to the whir of bullets flying past and cringed at the blasts erupting intermittently throughout the complex. [Tense: "Running..." "Feeling..." "flying..." "erupting..." And, I know what he's doing, but I don't know what he's feeling. I should if it's in 1st person.]

Taking cover behind a concrete wall, I pulled out my last insulin shot and jammed it unceremoniously through my clothes. Tossing the syringe, I turned towards the military’s advance and stepped out of cover in one fluid motion.[Tense: "Taking..." "Tossing...". NIT: Do you need "unceremoniously"? Many diabetics--including myself--are either dietary-controlled or take pills, such as Glyburide or Metformin.]

Ready, aim, fire. The trigger resisted. Clicking the safety off this time, I fired in short, deadly bursts at our military assailants. [Tense: "Clicking...". I think the enemy would smoothly replace military assailants. The latter is clunky, and you've already explained that the military are the enemy.]

They crumpled one after another like dominoes, creating makeshift piles around the complex perimeter.[Tense: "creating...".]

I liked to think my deadly accuracy made up for my weakness secondary to diabetes. [As Radone said, diabetes doesn't make you weak. Just leave it at something like, "The Resistance praised my accuracy. I was made a sniper-hero early on. Now, I just had to live up to it."]

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You did get my interest.

Drop "unceremoniously" - extra adverb. doesn't do much. (see my adverbs thread on open discussions - they're INSIDIOUS! Almost as bad as those Evil Robot Monkeys!!)

I would think he'd bow his head in deference to a barrage of bullets. In reverence? Worshipping them? Very different meaning een though the words are shaped similarly. (see - again, an adverb!! I can't even get rid of them in my posts. It's hopeless! LOL)

Like others have said, your dialogue is too formal for a combat situation. And what others have said about the insulin is correct too. I doubt the needle was strong enough to go through BDUs, and you have to be careful about how you store insulin so the medication will stay effective.

If this is a modern day setting, having diabetes disqualifies you from enlisting in the US Army. I think if a soldier developed diabetes after enlistment would be different, but you'll need to explain how a diabetic soldier is in the military...If this is the military. I can't tell if this is a group of rebels or not, especially since no one has been referred to by rank.

If this is set in the future, you can make up the rules. I just saw something about the FDA approving an insulin enhaler. I think something like that would be a better option for a soldier.

Here's where I found info about diabetes and enlistment: http://www.army.mil/usapa/epubs/pdf/r40_501.pdf

I couldn't understand all the language, but you might find it useful.

The piercing blast of gunfire and smothered shouts interrupted Cillian’s sleep. A blast of shrapnel tore through the window of his tent. He lifted himself from a weathered sleeping bag and reached for his AK-47. Ethereal shadows sprinted past, their footsteps echoing through the complex. [Just a nit, but ethereal shadows makes me imagine people rushing past ghost-like if you like, by foosteps echoing then gives me a contradiction to that.]
Cillian recognized the discrete gray uniforms of MRF soldiers. What the hell was the Military Redirection Force doing this far into the Zone? Radiation made it risky, even with Scavenger protective gear.[another nit, this is probably just me, but I would prefer Military Redirection Force first, MRF second] Already Cillian felt flushed. He leaned over to catch his breath. Taking a hit from his inhaler, he stumbled out [not sure you need OUT] into the main complex.
As he ran towards the fray, Cillian took stock of his ammunition and became painfully aware that his Kevlar vest

Immediately I liked the style, it was comfortable for me to read -- I felt myself relax into the structure quickly and easily. At this point, I didn't need to know what was going on just yet. I was confident that all would be explained later, the important thing to me was that the style was flowing, and so I naturally kept reading.
Like in the beginning of Heinlein's Starship Troopers, I've no idea what's going on yet, but interested enough to keep reading. (using that as a reference mainly because I read it the other day <grin> )

By all means take into account the advice of peoples replies, just make sure you don't lose that natural flow in your style.

quote:

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What the hell was the Military Redirection Force doing this far into the Zone?

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NIT - What "Zone"? You could have named it there.
Who is Cillian fighting with?
Why is HE in "the Zone"?