posted
Once there was a tiny Kingdom called Thelonia and it was a happy place. Everyone smiled and joked. Everyone loved each other. Except for one, her name was Grumelda. She hated the kingdom and all its happiness. Grumelda thought that everyone was unusually pleasant and peculiar. She thought they needed a dose of reality and she studied magic to find a diabolical way to accomplish this.
Grumelda was a beautiful young woman, but all you could see was her ugly, angry scowl. Her lips were pressed so tightly togeher that they looked like pencil lines. Colors? Grumelda only were black, black dress, black shoes and she even died her fiery red hair - black. She was a misery to her happy family too, they were slightly embarrassed by her grumpiness. After all she was the only one.
Sitting at 2000 words or so, thinking novella or bigger. How is the flow? Is it interesting? I was aiming for a fairytale approach - good/bad idea?
posted
Sounds like you are talking to kids. Or telling the story for young readers.
its a once upon a time...story from what I can tell I and it seems a little immature. Even if this is going to be for younger readers talk to them as if they are adults. My 3 year old wont read "baby books" anymore; since I started reading pages form the novels that I read, to him.
I found the Spiderwick novellas quite good for young readers .. Ms Black writes simple but isn’t afraid to use big words in a children’s story. And she never talks down to her readers. and they are quick and easy to read. Well spaced with action and lulls for good frequent stopping places.
Most fairytales are quite gruesome and down right scary. Disney has helped to change our perception of this for the most part, but the darker tales are coming back.
The second paragraph:
Her lips were pressed so tightly together that they looked like pencil lines. Colors? Grumelda only were black, black dress, black shoes and she even died her fiery red hair - black.
'Pencil lines.' breaks up my emersion, and finally ‘Colours?’ brings me right out. I had to re-read the whole paragraph again and it still feels awkward.
posted
Yeah this really hits me as Dr. Seuss having a midlife crisis. Is your target audience five year olds? If so then it's fine.
Posts: 2195 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Fairy tales lacked a lot in characterization and you seem to be making fairy tale-related mistakes. I don't think MODERNIZING a fairy tale is a bad idea, but I think it would be more successful and interesting if you tried to eliminate the Grimm Brothers' flaws.
quote: Once there was a tiny Kingdom called Thelonia and it was a happy place. Everyone smiled and joked. Everyone loved each other. Except for one[word missing here], her name was Grumelda. She hated the kingdom and all its happiness.[Why? Is she just ambiguisly evil?] Grumelda thought that everyone was unusually pleasant and peculiar. She thought they needed a dose of reality[What is her take on reality?] and she studied magic to find a diabolical[Is she searching for a "diabolical way", or do others see it that way?] way to accomplish this. Grumelda was a beautiful young woman, but all you could see was her ugly, angry scowl. Her lips were pressed so tightly toge[t]her that they looked like pencil lines. Colors? Grumelda[some things are missing here] only were black, [black<--this gets redundant real fast] dress, black shoes and she even died her fiery red hair - black. She was a misery to her happy family too[. T]hey were slightly embarrassed [I'm getting that she's not a good antagonist - a "failure" as a "bad guy" - type. She's a "wannabe vampire-gothic chick, in love with death and depression" ahead of her time. And, her parents are like, "Don't worrieth, she'll groweth outeth of this."]by her grumpiness. After all she was the only one
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 22, 2007).]
posted
The beginning, albeit very Grimm like, started me off. The story is moving very well and I had my nine (and six - for Zero) read it. They liked it so far, but its in first draft mode. I have four children, ages ranging from 6-16. I know what they read - my children like the Series of Unfortunate events series and really love Harry Potter.
I will finish it as far as it goes, and probably tighten up the beginning (thanks I.B.!)
Feel free to keep commenting as they provide a different view and really help - thanks guys!
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited April 22, 2007).]
posted
Nothing wrong with going with an existing story type if you know that and work your particular writing magic within its confines. If, instead, you wrote this piece intending it to be taken as a piece of high fantasy set in alternate reality of approx mid 1500s England...well, there's a big gap.
So - given that it's a fairy tale, well heck, I like fairy tales...that END well....don't give me a screwed up one that ends poorly because I expect fairy tales to end with some sort of lesson and people being satisfied at the end. LOL, there ya go - my personal fairy tale baggage all on your doorstep.
So - The first paragraph moves really well with the short(ish) sentence structure. The only diversion is the last line, which could easily be two sentences. I suggest making it so. Agree with another poster that it would be useful to know why she's hell-bent on being diabolical. A fun word, for what it's worth.
Next paragraph - lips so thin they looked like pencil lines feels clicheish to me. Maybe if you made a more direct allusion to what she'd look like if she were drawn on paper..."If a high-kingdom painter were commissioned to paint her portrait he'd draw thin slashes of black paint for her tightly pressed lips." Something like that.
FYI, typo in second paragraph - togeher, missing "t" - togeTher. Another typo, Grumelda only were...should be WORE. Same paragraph, one more nit - I don't think it's spelled "died" when a woman dyes her hair. At least it made me stop. Isn't it dyed? I have no idea, but it made me stop. I'd try "she covered up her fiery red hair with black dye" just to get away from worring about it myself.
posted
I like the fairy tale opening. I also liked that you turned it on its head by picking not the "princess" as the MC but the "wicked witch" equivalent.
The Omni POV worked for me because it is a fairy tale.
I had some minor requests for information that IB has detailed although I didn't mind not knowing why she hates everything in the 13.
Heck, I'd read and I'm not anywhere close to 5. But then I still really like The Phantom Tollbooth .
posted
I suppose no one else is going to point out that 2,000 words is short story length, not novella length. A novella has a word count between 17,500 and 40,000 (according to Wikipedia).
Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
Thanks, I am aiming for novella length and the story is still in its infancy. But I appreciate the critiques in its early stages and the time taken to give them.
Novella, or novel - I will let the story unravel itself and we'll see. Thanks for the novella word range!
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