I'm not looking for readers just yet, but I will be soon.

Mostly, I want to know:

- Hooked?
- Problems or questions left open?
- Too little emotion / too much information?

But any feedback at all is welcome.

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Hanna, the avatar of the sun goddess Kalvesh, was first to see the plume of dust drifting into the sky above the canyon. She stood on her temple balcony watching it progress toward the city, knowing only one thing could cause such a dust cloud--an army. She had last seen the eastern sky filled with dust like this before when her father, the commander of the army, left to invade the barbarian Haan to the north.

"What is it, Holiness?" her servant Miriam asked.

Now Hanna could see a second plume, farther back and larger than the first. Two armies, she thought, and her grip on the stone balcony wall tightened. "Commander Barash has returned," she said. "But something is wrong. I think he has brought the Haan back with him."
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[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited June 14, 2007).]

You let us know:
-Who the MC is, or at least who one of the major MCs will be
-What her profession is
-2 of the other characters that will be involved (Miriam and Barash)
-A driving force of the novel (if not the driving force), inter-territorial conflict of some sort

And, the final line neatly hooked me. It makes me want to know who the heck this Barash is that he's brought back the enemy army, and how things have changed amongst the Haan that he can do this. Are they coming willingly? Are they hostages? Or is it perhaps the Haan who are bringing Barash's army back?

These are all good questions to put in a reader's mind!

I'd say, well done, and on its own I wouldn't change it. In the greater context of the work it might require adjustment later, but as it is as a first 13, I'd be content with it.

I disagree with Marzo - the first sentence is clear to me even though it carries a wealth of information. There is a hook here for me - the fact that a Goddess is present and active in the world, and that she is made nervous by an approaching army - this is not an ordinary army, if it hopes to take down a Goddess. There are hints of a deeper history and mythology that I'm interested in, and that will keep me reading as much as the hook.

The only quibbles I would have are with particular wording. Let me digress...

quote:

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...knowing only one thing could cause such a dust cloud--an army. She had last seen the eastern sky filled with dust like this before when her father, the commander of the army, left to invade the barbarian Haan to the north.

---

This is redundant. remove an army, because the meaning behind the dust cloud is much more effectively relayed by the line referencing her father.

quote:

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"What is it, Holiness?" her servant Miriam asked.

---

I personally find her servant Miriam asked to be cumbersome. Possibly work Miriam's name into Hanna's dialogue in the next paragraph, or find another way of working it in. Other than those two nitpicks... it's good. Very good. If you can sustain this for 100K, congrats.

quote:

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Hanna, the avatar of the sun goddess Kalvesh, was first to see the plume of dust drifting into the sky above the canyon. She stood on her temple balcony watching it progress toward the city[. She knew of only one thing could cause such a dust cloud--an army. She had last seen the eastern sky filled with dust like this before[,] when her father, the commander of the army, left to invade the [barbarian Haan<--this sounds like ONE barbarian, maybe ad something like nation of between the words] [to the north<--this should be -- IMHO -- just the word northern before the word barbarian].

"What is it, Holiness?" her servant Miriam asked.

Now Hanna could see a second plume, farther back and [larger<--this seems wrong to the perspective. Usually, thing further back are smaller -- even if they are ACTUALLY larger in reality.] than the first. Two armies, she thought,[Is this clarivoyance, or is she guessing? Why would an army send everybody at once? Most commanders or generals would send scouts in or an advanced party.] and her grip on the stone balcony wall tightened. "Commander Barash has returned," she said. "But something is wrong. I think he has brought the Haan back with him."

---

Overall, I like it. I would read on, were this cleaned up a bit.

I don't know if you need to pluralize Haan as suggested. I get that it's a group without trouble. Haans sounds a little strange anyway. The only other group I can think of that doesn't pluralize their name is the Foot from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or possibly the Mafia or the Navy.

Good luck with the rest of it.

ETA: You may want to differentiate you names more--Hanna and Haan are pretty similiar. Using them both close together in the text is going to sound and look confusing.

And, I wasn't suggesting to add an "s". I was suggesting:
She had last seen the eastern filled with dust before, when her father -- the commander of the (nation's name) army -- left to invade the barbarian nation of Haan.

Just to clear that up...

Concerning the phrase in the first sentence, "...the avatar of the goddess Kalvesh..." Can that be omitted entirely? Or should it be worked in more smoothly somewhere in the 1-13? I think it can wait until the second page, myself

Here is the revision without that phrase at all:

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Hanna was first to see the plume of dust drifting into the sky above the canyon. She stood on her temple balcony watching it progress toward the city, knowing only one thing could cause such a dust cloud. She had last seen the eastern sky filled with dust like this before, when her father, the commander of the army, left to invade the northern barbarians. Was this his triumphant return?

"What is it, Holiness?" asked Mira, her servant.

Now Hanna saw a second plume. It was farther back, but even larger than the first. Two armies, she thought, and her grip on the stone balcony wall tightened. "My father has returned," she said. "But something is wrong. I think he has brought the barbarians back with him."
*************

Also, for kicks, I tried a different approach. It's more rough because I didn't go over it as close. Is it better? Which one would you choose?

*************
Hanna watched the two dust clouds approach the holy city from her temple balcony. She pondered what it could mean.

"What is it," asked her servant, Mira. Like all of Hanna's servants, Mira was blind. For no mortal could see the flesh of the avatar and live.

"Soldiers, I think," Hanna said. "Two large groups."

"Your father has returned from the invasion?"

"If so, it did not go well," Hanna said. "But even my father is not so stupid as to let them chase him back to the holy city. He knows the high priest won't open the gate for him."

"Unless you order them to be opened?"

Hanna's lips pursed. She didn't want to make that decision.
She could see the first soldiers now. They rode hard towards the.....
***********************

The only thing I liked about the alternate beginnings - the second one, specifically - is that I learn her servant is blind. I think that's a cool detail. But, admittedly probably not one for the first 13, if we're focusing on plopping down a sense of the conflict.

The only thing I would suggest is this:

quote:

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She stood on her temple balcony watching it progress toward the city, knowing only one thing could cause such a dust cloud.

---

I would split this into two sentances, for example: She stood on her temple balcony and watched it progress toward the city. She knew only one thing could cause such a dust cloud.

Leaving the avatar of the sun goddess Kalvesh until later wouldn't be a problem for me.

Otherwise, its very good.

Personally, I'd combine the two versions you have now. I liked most of first paragraph of the "first" never version but dialog better in the "second" new version.

Something like:

Hanna , the sun goddess' advatar saw a plume of dust drifting into the sky above the canyon. does it matter if she's the first? How does she know she's the first? She stood on her temple balcony watching the cloud progress toward the city. The last time the eastern sky had filled with dust was when her father, the commander of the army, left to invade the Haan nation. You can tell me in a few lines that they are barbarians but give me a name here Was this his triumphant return?
Then Hanna saw the second plume, farther back and larger than the first.
"What is it?" asked Mira you tell me she's blind in the next line . Like all of Hanna's servants, Mira was blind for no mortal could see the flesh of the avatar and live.
"Soldiers," Hanna said. "Two large groups."
"Your father has returned from the invasion?"
"If so, it did not go well," Hanna said. "But even my father is not so stupid as to let the barbarians chase him to the holy city. The high priest won't open the gate for him."
"Unless you order them to be opened?"
Hanna's lips pursed. She didn't want to make that decision.
She could see the first soldiers now. They rode hard towards the.....

It's a bit more than 13 now but you can trim the extra words and get all this into the first 13.

Somehow you are going to have to reword/re-write so you don't say "dust" (cloud/plume/ filled with) three times in three sentances.

The nice thing about the second version is the "telling" is In the Dialog but no one is saying things that they would take for granted. Mira can't see the clouds but she can sense Hanna is upset. The conversation between them is natural although Mira doesn't have a servant's deference. I suspect that the familiar relationship gets explored later and can wait for it.

I HATE the "knowing only one thing could cause . . . " because more than one thing could.

Now, that having been said:

I agree with kings_falcon in that a combination of the three would probably be best.

1) If she is too holy to gaze upon, why is she standing outside for all to see?

2) How does a blind servant do her duties?

3) Why would a barbarian army chase another army to their home? Most barbarian armies, throughout history, are at best tentatively bound. Usually, they are made up of tribes and/or clans, that only unite to drive a greater evil from their lands. (Or what they perceive as a greater evil.)

When you are using an Avatar -- a god's form on earth, not just his/her vassal -- there is the opportunity to use full-omni, and know what is in the minds of all he/she surveys. This is why I don't write these types, it's difficult to accomplish smoothly.