As Elea teleported to his favorite spot in the forest, he realized that someone else was there. As the mystical green light faded, his eyes began to adjust to the gloom of the underforest. When out stepped a half-troll.
“Quell eas tor que.” effervesced Elea.
“Why are you here?” questioned the dryad as the half-troll stopped dead in its tracks.
“I caame to destroyy the totoem of the forrest.” contested the half-troll.

When out stepped a half-troll. This here fragment is very out of place. Either reword this sentence or work it into the preceding one. Fragments work occasionally - but not so much in this case.

...effervesced Elea....questioned the dryad....contested the half-troll. Ooof. Who farted? Dialogue attribution is best as he said, she said, they said, it said. Questioned is alright (I would have gone with asked, but that's me) but it in consort with the other two attributions tells me you are afraid to use said, or think that using it makes your writing sound boring. It doesn't. Cogitating until you find another way of saying said makes your writing sound amateurish. It's been mentioned on these boards many times, and other places I'm sure, that said is one of the few invisible words in the english language - when we read it, it disappears. It is nearly impossible to overuse it.

Where did the dryad come from? Your first line indicates that Elea teleports into the forest, but doesn't mention the dryad. Was he meeting the dryad at his favorite spot? Did he teleport with the dryad and you simply forgot to tell us? Did the dryad spontaneously materialize out of thin air to speak his lines, completely to Elea's surprise? As well, why does the human-like Elea speak a different language (latin, if I'm not mistaken. I could be though...) while the dryad, a magical creature, speaks perfect english? Isn't that backwards?

There is a very weak hook here. The fact that there are forest totems (did you misspell that because of the troll's particular speech characteristics, or by accident?) and the fact that the name Elea appeals to me would get me to read another page or two, but you'll have to get to some kind of point or action scene quickly enough to keep me interested, and polish out these technical issues. Otherwise, I don't know if I could keep up for more than a page or two.

Once again, welcome.

Jayson Merryfield

My take:

quote:

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[As Elea teleported to his favorite spot in the forest, he realized that someone else was there. [As] the mystical green light faded, his eyes began to adjust to the gloom of the underforest. [When out stepped a half-troll.<This fragment should be part of the last sentence]
“Quell eas tor que.” [effervesced <--just "said" would do...really.]Elea.
“Why are you here?” questioned [the dryad<--Who is this? When did a dryad enter the picture?] as the half-troll stopped dead in its tracks.
“I [caame to destroyy<--Does he stutter? Is he trying to be sardonic? Is he trying to use his haunted-tales voice?] the totoem of the forrest.” contested the half-troll.

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Where did the half-troll step out from? And you have to say where the dryad comes from. If the dryad is already there, tell us.

Why is Elea speaking on two different lines, and why isn't it indicated that the same person is speaking both lines? Why is Elea speaking magic when nothing magical happens after he says it?

And, there are other ways to let us know that Elea is a dryad. Choose one and use it, because this is just too murky for anyone not living inside your head.

You need to tone down the use of the thesaurus. Keep the language simple especially where this looks like it could go either main stream fantasy or YA.

quote:

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As Elea teleported to his favorite spot in the forest, he realized that someone else was there. As the mystical green light faded, his eyes began to adjust to the gloom of the underforest. When out stepped a half-troll. This is very passive. IB already hit the two "as"s and wolfe_boy mentioned the "when out stepped. Try to reorder this information for more punch. Something like - The green light of the teleport faded as Elea stepped into his favorite spot in the forest. Attune to the enviornment, he felt the presence of another just as a half-troll stepped out from behind a tree.

“Quell eas tor que, ” effervesced really just use said Elea. Also it is traitional to translate the foreign sentance. If your next line was an attempt to do so, it doesn't work because you refer to Elea in two different ways. If the half-troll didn't understand show me. Make the next line - When the troll didn't respond, Elea repeated in common, "Why are you here?"

“Why are you here?” questioned the dryad as <-- there is that word again. the half-troll stopped dead in its tracks.
“I caame to destroyy the totoem of the forrest.” contested the half-troll. I think stuttering is often shown as "c-came". Also would the troll just announce this to someone who is likely to be the totem?

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"Said", "walked" and a few other words are invisible in the English language. This means we don't notice them but we notice when other words are used in thier place. They really can't be overused.

Edit for typos