this is the second prologue i've written, I'm still unsure if i should go with this one or use my other.. let me know what you think
Much appreciated

Edit: I've included the alternate prologue further down.

“Find her!” King Tristan roared.

Too many new names in the first sentence cut-->to his brother, the captain of his royal guard, Jamie. <--clarify who jamie is later.

Tristan’s (When I read this I thought, "Another name...no wait, that's the king. You should probably call him either The King, or King Tristan. If you must, you can tranistion to Tristan later in the story.)

this part is a little redundant-->hurrying off to find the rest of his men to get them saddled up and ready to ride as quick as possible.

My edit-->With that Jamie left to round up his men for the search.

One of my questions is, who is the Point of view character? In that tangle of people I don't know who the story is about.

I think I'll go the extra mile and be even more annoying by giving my hand at a rewrite from King Tristan's POV.

"Find her! She'll not run off with...my grandson. Find the wench!" roared King Tristan. His voice echoed off the polished walls of the crowded court. No one dared to move--especially the King's son, Dylan, who coward in the corner. It was good to see that he felt some remorse. He'd feel more. He had to learn responsiblity. After all, it was his royal seed that lay in the womb of that wench who fled, and if she wasn't found and killed then all that King Tristan had fought for would crash to the ground.
Even after a week of quiet searching she was no where to be found.

I don't know if that was helpful. But shoot, it was fun to write.
I tried to establish better what is going on. The whole sending many more men out to find her is part of the story but not the most interesting part and can come in the next paragraphs.

[This message has been edited by O-Sapo (edited July 14, 2007).]

Lots of facts clutter up the action - Tristan is king, Jamie is his brother, Jamie is captain of the royal guard, they're in the audience chamber, Dylan is the king's son, Dylan knocked up a maidservant, the maidservant disappeared. Which of all those are important? What appears least important is that Jamie is the king's brother. Is the quest for the missing maidservant the whole point of the story? If so, that's important. I think you need to sort and unclutter - save less important things for later. For example, Jamie could wonder why his brother is treating him like that to bring in the relationship later.

I'm looking for the point of view. All the characters see the same action. Tristan and Jamie are doing the action. Dylan is reacting. That's a sign of POV - Dylan seems to be the observer. Is he telling the story? Are we going inside his mind? On the other hand, Jamie gets the most screen-time. You say three things about him in the first sentence. Is he your major character?

A novel doesn't have to answer everything in the first 13 lines. There's more room for development. We raise the questions the story raises in our minds. Those indicate things that should be covered soon. It's more important to make us care about characters, an event or the setting. There appears to be a problem with the maidservant, but I can't tell whose problem it is. Shouldn't she be Dylan's problem? He's too passive in this scene. Is the king making her Jamie's problem?

I get a feeling for setting - royalty, palace, servants - and some feeling for time - saddling horses. There isn't anything of scifi or fantasy yet. Maybe that doesn't fit in the first 13, but there should be something about the genre early on.

Credibility - Doesn't his relationship make Jamie a prince? at least a duke? You imply that this treatment of him is rare if not unique. Something I would want to see in the next page or so, not necessarily in the first 13, is Jamie's reaction. Perhaps he's the POV character and we'll find out what he's thinking. Perhaps he'll express his feelings to the POV.
Is Tristan in personal charge of everything? Jamie is captain of the guard, but the king is going to give orders personally?

Technical nits:
--

"Find her!" King Tristan roared to his brother, the captain of his royal guard, Jamie (drop 2 of these if Jamie is not the MC, drop 1 if he is the MC). Tristan’s eyes , ablaze with anger (, pair of commas set off parenthetic) were boring into every soul unfortunate enough to be in the audience chamber. His son, Dylan, stood in the corner, cowering at the show his father was putting on (Here is a place to tell us if the show is rare, unique or common - if it's important). The whole palace was in an uproar, (optional comma not needed here) because Tristan could not find the maidservant ( delete - whom) his son had fallen for, and had impregnated.
Jamie gave a hurried bow as he was about to back out of the room, "And assemble the men in here for their orders, immediately!" Tristan barked. With that Jamie left, hurrying off to find the rest of his men to get them saddled up and ready to ride as quick as possible. (Makes it sound like they'll bring saddled horses into the audience chamber.)

--

Tristan's roar in the first sentence probably works because you go into who he's roaring at. Replacements for 'said' are often distracting. eg 'barked' in the second paragraph. See
http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1998-08-14-1.shtml

I would start 16 years later, and in the first chapter or near the beginning pay hommage to what you have presented here. Present the material in the beginning, but in a different format, and through a different perspective. Then, later in the story, show the mother's perspective in a flashback or retelling of sorts.

If you are going to keep what you have and edit it, then I would suggest reworking some of your sentance structure. That is what confused me sometimes. In one sentance, the structure was a lot like the sentance structure of the French language, and that structure doesnt work with English at all. By this I am talking about the 1st or 2nd sentance when Jamie's name is introduced. If a coat is blue, we say something along the lines of "the blue coat," not "the coat blue." So, if you want his name to be introduced in that sentance, then move it to earlier in the sentance rather than the last word.

Otherwise, this could be interesting, but it still needs work. Cut the fat [extra words and sentances], dehydrate it [ combine sentances once the extra words are cut], and then continue. Try to compact it as much as you can without losing story. For a first page, efficiency is EVERYTHING *along with a decent hook of course* in my opinion to draw the reader into the story.

I like this considerably more. It is much clearer to the reader what is happening. However, I think there is a lot here that could be polished or could be cut out. So here are my comments...

1. "northern reaches of the continent" I understand that setting the scene is important, however to me this seems like clutter. But, it also seems as if it could be important, so I am indifferent on this little bit.

2. You said that she ran as fast and as far "south".... why is the direction important? To me, it would seem that if you cut the word 'south' out, the sentance would flow better. But, if it is important, then it should stay. But, for the time being the direction that she is running seems trivial.

3. In the second sentance, I would cut out the word "although." Using the word 'although' implies a sentance that uses sort of 'cause and effect' structure. Example: Although her efforts were slowed as she tried to keep the cumbersome child from slipping from her body, she still pressed onward with vigilance. So, because there isnt a second part to the sentance, I would cut out the word 'although.'

4. "Her nightgown clinging to her rain-soaked body, and her bare feet slapped on the roughly laid cobblestone road." There is a tense disagreement. It has present tense in the first half of the sentance, and past tense in the second half. So, I suggest changing 'clinging' to 'clung'.

5. Why was the length of time that she was in labor important? If it is not important, I would cut it. Childbirth is usually considered to be a very painful thing, so unless there were complications in the delivery, I find the word 'excruciating' to be redundant in a sort of way.

I think that this could be condensed and the riders introduced a little earlier. The mention of the riders is the only thing that would have gotten me to turn the page. However, I would only read another sentance or two before deciding to put it down or not.

I like this perspective much better than the first one. It is more interesting, and it gives us a character to care about. I would like to see more of her emotion in this though. The actions are great, but make her seem slightly two dimensional. So, if you condense the action, and inject some emotion [only a carefully chosen word or two is needed to convey this effectively], then I would definately be interested in reading more.

quote:

---

In [a village<--Too ambiguous. Suggest:In the village of (Name)...] on the northern reaches of the [continent<--What continent?], [a pregnant woman<--Third ambiguous comment. She needs a name. You can add the "pregnant" to the "body would let her" at the end of this sentence.] ran as fast and as far south as her body would let her. Although her efforts were slowed[,] as she tried to keep the cumbersome child from slipping from her body.

Her nightgown [clung] to her rain-soaked body[deleted and her bare feet slapped on the roughly laid cobblestone road. She gave in to the urges to push the baby out.{<--Having a hard time picturing this.]

On the side of the empty road she struggled for thirty-six hours[Whoa. And, in kore than a day, no one noticed her on the side of the road?] to give birth to her baby. After [the] excruciating childbirth[,] her exhausted body nearly gave out. She would have died in the mud on the side of the road, had it not been for the party of riders that were passing by.

---

Why is the woman fleeing? Especially when she is pregnant. Is there anyone giving chase? These are more important details -- in the opening --than how long the labor was.

I wondered if you shouldn't have told this from the riders' perspective -- finding this half-dead woman, exhausted, lying on the side of the road with an afterbirth-coated baby.

All in all an interesting predicament for a group of riders to find someone in.