posted
He sat on his throne, unmoving. His barbaric, yellowish armor of mithril, his cloak of ragged, torn, human flesh. His throne was made of bones, the skeletons of lost souls. All these gave him a fearsome appearance. Around him scurried his servants, skeletons, zombies, and all manner of dark creatures. He was the dracolord! He breathed in, summoning his energy, then out, spreading his influences across the land like a shadow. He saw past his realm, the barren place of dust, heat, and sun. He saw the kingdoms of the humans, dwarves and elves. He sighed and withdrew his energy, sucking it back into himself. He lifted a mirror and studied his reflection. He was handsome once, but dark magic had stolen the pallor of his face, the color of his lips, and the light in his eye
Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
"...had stolen the pallor of his face." This should be revised, as written it is hard to imagine - pallor is a lack of color, so how can it be stolen? Maybe - dark magic accounted for the pallor of his face - something like that. Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote: He[WHo?] sat on his throne, unmoving.[<--Passive. Lack of action.] His [barbaric, yellowish<--choose one] armor of [mithril<--Cliche'], his cloak of [ragged, torn<--Choose one], human flesh. His throne was made of [bones, the skeletons<--Redundant. Pick one.] of lost souls. [All these gave him a fearsome appearance.<--You shouldn't need to tell us this.] Around him scurried his servants[:] skeletons, zombies, and all manner of dark creatures. [He was the dracolord!<--Perhaps you should have started this with: The Dracolord sat his skeletal throne... This sentece being her disrupts the rhythm to fill info that should've been in place already. Capitalize the "D" in Dracolord, it "the Dracolord".] He breathed in, summoning his energy, then out, spreading his influences[What influences?] across the land[What land] like a shadow. He saw past his realm, [the barren place of dust, heat, and sun<--Is this describing his realm or land? or the kingdom of the humans, dwarves, and elves?]. He saw the kingdoms of the humans, dwarves and elves. He sighed and [withdrew his energy, sucking it back into himself<--Choose one]. He lifted a mirror and studied his reflection. Is this sentence supposed to be his PoV? Because, If the magic I still used sapped everything from me, I wouldn't want to view it. This just sounds like an excuse to describe him-->He was handsome once, but dark magic had stolen the pallor of his face, the color of his lips, and the light in his eye]
I really don't know what's going on. I know who he is, sort-of, but I don't know what he's doing, or why.
None of this is in any clear PoV.
I know this is going to sound insulting -- it is NOT meant to -- but, it's a warning. If it looks this way to me, imagine how it's going to look to an editor, who reads much more of this than I. This is clearly in the tradition of the recently published fantasy: cliche'. I know that it's hard not to be, but it sounds like Tolkien, Jordan, and Goodkind. It reads like a list of already-been-dones.
Tell us more about his power. Tell us more about what he's looking for. Tell us more about what he fears, or is trying to stop. These are things I want to know more than what his armor, throne, servants, and realm are comprised of. Throne of bones is suffiecient, for now. When the lost souls try to reclaim their bones or swirl enmass around the throne, then I'm curios why. All manner of Dark Creatures describes his minions well enough for me to form a visual picture (the rest reads like the Legend of Zelda's graveyard). "His barren realm" is good enough to show me the bottom line. Maybe a comment about the heat, if it's oppressive. As for what he looks like...I don't need to know that unless certain elements are necessary: Sweat pooled around the four horns that protruded from his forehead, and inflamed the cut that the escaping werewolf had gouged across his face.
Positives: I like the flavor.
I like that it starts off with the antognist, and it's not some sorcerer/sorceress that has kidnapped a princess and is going to sacrifice her to raise some unholy creature. However, I think you need to take us deeper into the Unholy creature's mind.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 18, 2007).]
posted
"Mithril" is not in the public domain, it is word coined by Tolkien, like "hobbit" (you will notice gamers use "halfling" rather than "hobbit"). Yes, some gamers use "mithril" but I think they are just flying under the radar of the Tolkien estate lawyers. Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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I'm interested because you started with a bad guy but I want to see him doing something ASAP. An Evil Mage getting up in the middle of the night for warm milk and cookies might be in character, but I probably don't want to go along with him on the mundane aspects of his life.
Give us a name. Because you don't use one you have TEN "he"s or "his" in these 13 lines. While you tell me he is the Dracolord you don't use it as a way to describe him.
My thoughts:
quote: He Who? sat on his throne, unmoving. Why do I care? What do you gain by starting in this moment? It's a lot like starting with someone sleeping His barbaric, yellowish armor of mithril mithril is generally expensive so that contradicted "barbaric" in my mind. Also do I need a costume description yet? , his cloak of ragged, torn, human flesh This wasn't a complete sentance . His throne was made of bones, the skeletons of lost souls. All these gave him a fearsome appearance. don't tell me that. You've just diminished what you've shown in the previous lines. If the human skin didn't make me think he's fearsome, your saying he is won't do it.
Around him scurried his servants, skeletons, zombies, and all manner of dark creatures. He was the dracolord! He breathed in, summoning his energy, then out, spreading his influences across the land like a shadow I'm not sure what is happening here. It's a Hu? moment for me . He saw How?? past his realm, the barren place of dust, heat, and sun. He saw the kingdoms of the humans, dwarves and elves Ok, Tolkien type fantasy. He sighed Really? A sigh to me indicates discontentment or frustration and he seemed pretty satisfied and withdrew his energy How? I'm not sure how majic works here and this confused me, sucking it back into himself.
He lifted a mirror and studied his reflection. CLICHE ALERT. Why? Would he really be thinking this now? Maybe if he needed a mate . . . It seemed like an author intrusion v. a POV thought He was handsome once, but dark magic had stolen the pallor of his face, the color of his lips, and the light in his eye this is confusion to me. How to you steal palor which is a lack of color? How was the color of his lips and eyes leached away? What color are they now?
I think you may be trying to hard to show us your entire world within the first 13. Clearly, that is impossible. The questions about how magic works is the most critical one given where you start. Why is the Dracolord sitting on his backside ruminating? Shouldn't he be out slaughtering innocents? If there is a reason for this moment, I probably need to know what it is.
Give me a conflict or something other than a guy (even a very powerful one) sitting on a throne.
Fixed typos
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited July 18, 2007).]
posted
I agree with the warnings you've received about the word "Mithril"; it's a substance that Tolkien created for his own world, so unless this is a Middle-Earth fanfic, using Middle-Earth terms is suspect.
Additionally, since Tolkien's work is almost foundational to many fantasy readers, it's dangerous (turf infringement aside) to describe Mithril in any way other than the way its creator did; it's not yellow, it's silver, and if you claim yellowish Mithril armor, you'll be jarring your readers.
quote: "Mithril" is not in the public domain, it is word coined by Tolkien, like "hobbit"...
elsewhere on this site (in one of Uncle Orson's Writing Classes) it states that coined phrases can be used without permission. "Xenocide" was the example that OSC used. He said that once somebody coined a phrase, it was fair game. OSC used an ansible as a form of FTL communication; it was a phrase coined before. "The Hobbit" is a copyrighted name, that's why it's "forbidden". The problem I had with the use of Mithril is that it so obviously Tolkien, that more than one editor/reader/and fan will trash this story at that point.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 18, 2007).]
posted
I'm not a lawyer. You may be right. On the other hand, Ursula Le Guin has given other writers permission to use "ansible", while the Tolkien estate has not given other writers permission to use "mithral".
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
o.k, I decided to suspend the original for working on, and to start in the middle of the series, making the three with the Dracolord sort of a prequel trilogy.
Our days of waiting are over. We have found what we are looking for. Thus thought the man who stood before the crypt, home to the corpse of the king of kings, the Dracolord.
Only one person could have stopped this, he thought to himself with a malicious smile, and he is too busy trying to capture my brethren to bother with me. Of course, there was every chance that the artifacts he brought might not be enough, every chance in the world. There was even the chance that no artifact could revive Dracolord. But Shadowodahs, the secret society that Skearow had set up, would not fail. The necromancers under his command were unstoppable, if used correctly.
posted
My problem is primarily with punctuation. You need to show when this character is thinking by either using italics or quotation marks. The name of who is talking would also be nice, instead of saying he and him for two or three different characters and getting people confused. Also, I would like to see some action instead of a character talking about all the action. This character makes me want to read about what other characters are doing. Also, it took me about two seconds to see that the name shadowodahs is just shadow spelled forward and backward. I don't know if you want this to be obvious or not, but it is. All in all, I'm not hooked.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2007
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quote: [Our search is over,] thought [the man<--Name. He] stood before the [ancient] crypt [Deleted] of the king of kings, the Dracolord.
Only one person could have stopped this[What?], he[Who?] thought [to himself<--Is he capable of thinking it to someone else?][,] with a malicious smile, and he is too busy trying to capture my brethren to bother with me. Of course, there was every chance that the artifacts[What artifacts? For what?] he[Who?] brought[Where?] might not be enough[For what?], every chance in the world. There was even the chance that no artifact could revive Dracolord[Wait - That was his intent? I thought he was looking for an historic tomb.]. But Shadowodahs, the secret society that Skearow[Who is this?] had set up, would not fail[In what?]. The necromancers under his[Whose command?] command were unstoppable, [when] used correctly.
There is a lot that's unclear here. I think you are trying to jam too much into one sentence. If you took your time,restructured a bit, I think it would be cleaner and more compelling. Example: Skearow (I'm assuming this is who you've been talking about the entire time) stood at the entrance to the lost crypt of the Dracolord. In his right hand, he grasped a small pack, which was filled with ancient artifacts that he believed could resurrect the crypt's occupant. There was a chance, albeit slim, that the artifacts would prove worthless, or the spell false, but he'd brought necromancers to ensure his success. The only person who could thwart his mission was (Name), and Skrearow's minions -- the Shadowodah -- served as an apt distraction.
I hope I have been of some help.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 19, 2007).]
posted
I agree with InarticulateBabbler's first post. This is dangerous territory my friend. I too would cut out the Tolkien reference.
Good things. I like the style of the world; the 'vibe' of it if you will. However, in order for this not to be chucked directly in the reject bin, you need to have something fresh and new happen immediately. You have established the 'sub-genre' of fantasy that this fits in [out in Tolkien's neck of the woods]. For this to stand out, something has to be VERY new, so I would suggest getting to the action immediately.
I too like how this started with the antagonist. It is very refreshing to start with the bad guy for a change. I want a name for him, and him doing something interesting. He can look in the mirror later.
This could be interesting, but for now, it doesnt interest me as much as it has potential to.
posted
I have to disagree with Adam. Mirrors to get a look at the POV character is one of the few pan-genre cliches you can't get away with unless you do something very special, or everything else you write is so outstanding people are willing to overlook it.
Don't do yourself that disfavor.
Sure, it makes us aware he's vain, but the fact that he has a mirror he just randomly looks into to check himself out makes him seem ultimately silly. And not even in a particularly parodied way.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited July 24, 2007).]
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