IN THE GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE
An Epic in Four Suits

PROEM: Another Word for a Prologue

I. THE SILVER CITY

[Italics] Fourmillante cité, cité pleine de rêves / Où le spectre en plein jour raccroche le passant. [End italics] And the Silver City came to be its name. It grew so fast in just a few years; outgrew itself; became a cancer upon the rock to which its roots were anchored. And still it spilled over into the land around it.

In that diseased city of silver, of steel and glass, clouds swarmed around the disco-ball of the Moon, twisting, oscillating, orbiting, stirring the sky; turning it on itself; making the world beneath nauseous. They formed a funnel, these clouds, a tunnel; and through this shaft Ariel fell, an angel, her wings falling to pieces, each feather becoming a turtledove’s birth, her arms out at her sides,

[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited July 28, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 28, 2007).]

[edited to add: If you have gaps between paragraphs, then they don't count as lines and the text can go beyond the text box by as many lines as you have spaces.]

I don't understand the first two sentances. Well, of course I don't understand them. Is it French?

quote:

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clouds swarmed around the disco-ball of the Moon, twisting, oscillating, orbiting, stirring the sky; turning it on itself; making the world beneath nauseous.

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I'm not sure you need all those descriptive words. They all pretty much say the same. I'm confused too by in that city...clouds swarmed around the...moon It sound as though the moon is in the city.

quote:

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fell the figure of Ariel

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Not sure you need 'the figure.'

If I take it literally, then her features became doves? I get a good image of the funnel and Ariel's descent but hard to imagine the bit before that. If I'm right about the feathers, its a nice touch.

quote:

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Caught up in her descent, her entire life rose up in her throat to choke her, remind her why she was doing this in the first place.

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This would have a greater effect if the sentance began: Her entire life...

I would read on some more to find out what happens next.

Hope this helps.

Rick: what was it for you that did not work? Can you be more specific in what you mean by 'more original'? I don't consider the opening to be specifically derivative, although it does quote Baudelaire (appropriately so) at the beginning. True, poetic writing can be considered subjectively, as can any writing, but I would like some objective criticism, if you can offer any. I'm assuming we make crits on here to help polish and perfect our writing, not to subjectively gauge its worth, etc. I guess I'd just like you to expand upon what you've said, so that I can at least consider/counter any points you might make ;-)

Cheers

-referring to the moon as a disco ball seems really cliched to me.
-I think what else gets me is your repetition. There's the multiple descriptive word use that darklight pointed out, and then there's phrases like, "They formed a funnel, these clouds, a tunnel". Instead of being drawn into the image, my mind trips over all the words. I would say it as, "They formed a funnel these clouds, and through that shaft Ariel fell."
-I also have a problem with the phrase "Each feather became a turtledove's birth." It's a powerful phrase, but it still feels awkward. Unfortunately, I can't come up with a suggestion that doesn't also feel awkward.
-Watch out for long sentences.

Despite all that nitpicking, you've really intrigued me. Your first paragraph works much better than your second - remember, less is often more.
And I would definitely be interested in reading on.

In regards to the 'disco ball', I don't see how this is cliched. However, I have had comments regarding the use of this image on EditRed too. I'll repeat here what I said there. It's basically all to do with the postmodern ethos. Postmodernism contrasts 'high culture' (i.e. the epic/classical) with low culture (i.e. the popular) to undermine the privileging of one over another. So, in this case, the epic subject matter (which comes across more in the complete first chapter) is juxtaposed with numerous references to popular culture in a manner that is postmodern. As such, the 'disco ball' has survived and will probably survive any future edits ;-)

The opening of this story is purposely overwritten, with some extremely long sentences. It is an attempt to convey an epic, apocalyptic, manic energy, although later chapters run the gaumt of opposites, with large sections of dialogue, reams of action and extremely short sentences. I guess the difficulty is, I can only post the first 13 lines. But if anyone wants to take a look at more of the m/s in context, please let me know and I can email it to you.

Regarding the multiple use of verbs, too, I have been aware of that as problematic for some people from the first instance, but I am as yet unconvinced that it should be altered, here, given the nature of the opening. I guess context counts for a lot :P

Regards ;-)