The novel deals with a military unit that creates artificial bodies for soldiers to use in the battle field. Most of the people that sign up for the Golem program have physical disabilities. The reason they sign up is the promise of a fresh healthy body (which is illegal to do outside the government) at the end of their enlistment. This will be a story about human nature, physiology, psychology, and our need to fit in. I just had to write this.

The other part I wanted to add, is more to answer questions from the first thread. The reason the Golems get new bodies, and not just people from the pool of citizens are two fold. One the expense to create an entire new body and transfer conscientiousness is expense, and Secondly there are moral issues that the new government are trying to address in regards to the perceive immortality of people who can "body hop".

So with out further ado, the new and improved(?) first 13,..

In times like these, it was common to be born with deformities. Trouble was not all children started in the best conditions. New governments were just starting to spring up, and health care was not a huge priority. People still talked about the world before. The smoke and radiation still gave many people nightmares, physical and mental.
This was a time of resurgence, as the world was slowly emerging from the second Dark Age. Rumors were starting to come with travelers of cities, governments, and stability in some places. Resources like food still held priority in these fledgling governments, over medicine. The future for too many of them was no farther then tomorrow. This was true for most, but the tales of a new city in the west that had a longer

[This message has been edited by Hookt_Un_Fonix (edited July 27, 2007).]

It sounds like you have an idea for an interesting setting: an apocalypse and second dark age where deformities are common. But I don't see any story yet in these first 13.

There are also some sentences that just don't make sense to me:

quote:

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"People still talked about it, it was still fresh in the minds of many, of the world before."

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I'm guessing "it" is health care, but the "of the world before" makes this sentence very strange. I think you are trying to say that there are people who remember back before the apocalypse when there was health care, but it isn't clear and the structure of the sentence is weird.

quote:

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"Resources like food still held priority there...

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Where?

quote:

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The future for to many of them was tomorrow. "

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This sentence is pointless. The future certainly isn't today or yesterday. Also, to and too are different words.

quote:

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This was true for most, but the tales of a new city in the west had a bit of a farther gaze.

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I was toying with that idea, but I can't seem to make it work to well yet. When ever I tell my stories I seem to approach them like a movie. I try to paint the scene then introduce the characters.

Sorry about the edit but I am at work so had to wrap up early. Somebody called me asking for something.

I seem to have personal issues though opening a story with dialog. It seems to abrupt and over used. It is very much "once upon a time " to me.

So I like to give the opening shot, lay the ground and then gently ease my characters into the story so the reader can get to know them one by one and maybe fall in love with them a bit. Even the bad guys. I try to make the villains a bit more human, and if you don't like at least something about them it makes it less personal.

With that in mind I don't like to be rushed into a story. I want people to feel comfortable with the scene before I open the gate and start the roller coaster ride on a wild bronco covered in jelly.

Consider King:
"The man in black fled across the desert and the gunslinger followed."
Consider the opening sentence of a book with what seems like a very similar setting, the mutated and decaying remains of society. The Gunslinger begins here with a very narrowly defined milieu (the desert) and yet it also begins with action, with something happening. It raises questions that demand answers, making me want to find them. I do that by reading ahead.

This is an interesting idea and for me it's the hook. But there's no indication of it in the first 13, presumably because:

"When ever I tell my stories I seem to approach them like a movie. I try to paint the scene then introduce the characters."

Clive Cussler does that well, in my opinion. There's a wide angle shot of some scene, then he zooms in to the action. But even the wide shot is interesting; there's often something odd or incongruous going on in it.

So, for me, if you're going to start with the world and not mention the Golem idea, something else has to draw me in.

This opening scene is, for me, just another post-apocolyptic world. There's nothing special in it to attract me to this particular story. Indeed, it suggests that the style of the story will be slow.

And, surely it needs to be logical, consistent and informative:

"In times like these, it was common to be born with deformities." In times like what? "In a world slowly emerging from the second Dark Age ..." or some such would be more helpful.

New governments do not spring up. After an apocolypse I'd expect petty gangsterism and fiefdoms. Government would be established after years of strife, by strong leaders.

How can health care not be a priority? You need some basics else water and food gets contaminated and kills. (The deformed births could happen despite basic health care and for me it would be enough just to mention that they happen, no reason necessary.)

"Rumors were starting to come with travelers of cities, governments, and stability in some places. " In the first para governments were fact, now in the second para they're mere rumour. I'm confused.

And what does a rumour of stability sound like? Surely people would be talking about who has food, medical care, and how the local militia treat people? (Which reminds me, wouldn't security be a priority too?)

Are travellers even consistent with this world? How do they eat, avoid vagabonds? Are they somehow special?

"This was true for most, but the tales of a new city in the west that had a longer vision of what could be." This isn't a complete sentence. And what was the longer vision, what hope did it give?

"Eric was among that number that dared to dream." How about, "Eric was amongst those who dared to dream." Or something like - Eric's a who, not a that, right?

And the zoom from world to Eric is too abrupt. Where is he? What's he doing?

This opening sounds more like a collection of facts that need to be in place for the plot to work. It doesn't, for me, yet, sound like a believeable world that's uniquely interesting in some way.

“Dad, why don’t I look like you?” Eric inquired, as he tended his garden.
“Well we ain’t both gonna look the same, you got a bit of me, and a bit your mom in you as well” His hoe broke ground with a sharp hit, and you can tell he knew that’s not what Eric was asking him.
“Well which one of you did I get the crooked back from? You and mama don’t seem to have no trouble standing straight, or reaching all the way with your arms. I look a lot like my brothers and sisters, but is hard for me to see you and mom in any of us.”
“That you got from the governments. Before they left us to tend to soil on our own, they saw fit to leave some evil behind. Its in the air boy, and you need to worry more about the dirt under you if you want to be eating come fall.”
They both went quiet and back to work, knowing full well that what had to be said was, and there was no sense crying over spilt milk.

Also, what perspective is this in? What character are we looking through the eyes of? The one phrase that really threw me was "you can tell" because that means we, as the readers, are being spoken to by you, as the author, and that jolts us out of the story. I lost all immersion.

The dialects work, I think, though they might become annoying if they're too thick and I have to keep pausing to straighten out what they're saying.

Lastly, " They both went quiet and back to work, knowing full well that what had to be said was, and there was no sense crying over spilt milk."

-crying over spilt milk...that comes across pretty cliched. Look for another, fresh way to say it. And that whole sentence read somewhat awkwardly. "Knowing full well that what had to be said was"? Was what? It feels like a sentence fragment stuck in the rest.

Try this;

“Dad, why don’t I look like you?” Eric inquired, as he tended his garden.
“Well we ain’t both gonna look the same, you got a bit of me, and a bit your mom in you as well” His hoe broke ground with a sharp hit, that’s not what Eric was asking him, and he knew it.
“Well which one of you did I get the crooked back from? You and mama don’t seem to have no trouble standing straight, or reaching all the way with your arms. I look a lot like my brothers and sisters, but is hard for me to see you an mom in any of us.”
“That you got from the governments. Before they left us to tend to soil on our own, they saw fit to leave some evil behind. Its in the air boy, and you need to worry more about the dirt under

[This message has been edited by Hookt_Un_Fonix (edited August 01, 2007).]