posted
Taking a couple of the suggestions from my other thread, I decided to toy around with re-writing my story (tentatively titled Project 2212 for now) with the changes I made to the plot. I also changed from a first person narrative to third person hoping to make it easier to describe the scenery better.
Here's the first 13 lines.....
There was a blue flash, and then Tom Carrigan appeared in the middle of the street. Disoriented and a bit nauseated at the rapid change of scenery, Tom put his hand to his forehead to stabilize himself. He blinked several times, hoping to clear the weird colored lights that were in his vision as if a camera flash had went off in his face. Finally taking a glance at the structures surrounding him, Tom was met with tall steel buildings that seemed to go on upwards forever. Vehicles paced the airways above his position and the dusty cracked street he was standing on looked like it hadn’t been used in decades. It was at this moment that Tom remembered the watch. Looking at the strange device on his wrist, he saw the digital readout flash several times and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 10, 2007).]
posted
You need to be more aware of the picture your words create, or fail to create.
1) There was a blue flash, and then Tom Carrigan appeared in the middle of the street. POV camera 2) Disoriented and a bit nauseated at the rapid change of scenery, POV Tom 3) Tom put his hand to his forehead to stabilize himself. POV camera -- but no, we don't put our hand to our forehead to stabilize. To stabilize, we spread our hands. Try it and see. 4) He blinked several times, POV camera 5) hoping to clear the weird colored lights that were in his vision as if a camera flash had went off in his face. POV Tom, and you mean "had gone", not "had went". A writer can no more get away with bad grammar than a basketball player can get away with a weak dribble. Didn't your word processor warn you about "had went"? 6) Finally taking a glance at the structures surrounding him, Tom was met with tall steel buildings that seemed to go on upwards forever. POV Tom, but it is hard to believe that any considerable time went by (finally) before Tom noticed the buildings. 7) Vehicles paced the airways above his position and the dusty cracked street he was standing on looked like it hadn’t been used in decades. POV camera, long shot. Also, flying cars don't pace. If going slowly, they drift, if rapidly, the scoot, but on no account do they pace. 8) It was at this moment that Tom remembered the watch. Looking at the strange device on his wrist, he saw the digital readout flash several times and change to read 6:15 P 09 / 27 / 2207. The characters displayed around the dial that were lit up blue faded to black. POV Tom. But since some time has gone by, why is the readout just now flashing and changing?
Pay close attention to everything you write. Anything a reader can misunderstand, a reader will misunderstand.
posted
I took another look and tried to fix some of the problems. I have a few questions I put in that I'd like some advice on.
The blue flashed cleared his view, and Tom Carrigan suddenly found himself in the middle of the street. He rubbed his eyes and blinked several times, hoping to clear the weird colored lights that were in his vision. It was as if a camera flash had gone off in his face. (<- I put this sentence in here originally to help describe the scene, but now I think the paragraph could do without) Tom’s attention turned to the watch after it let off two electronic chirps. The digital readout flashed the message “Shift complete – Recharging...” before the numbers on the dial changed to read 6:15 P 09 / 27 / 2207. Tom also noticed that the blue characters displayed around the dial faded back to black. (<- Is this paragraph clear, or is it confusing?) Taking another look at his surroundings, Tom was amazed at the buildings that just seemed to go on up
In the bit about the watch, mention the chirp before the character's attention shifts, since that is the order in which the events happen. Also, you might want to leave the stuff around the dial for later.
This version is much more focused than the first version.
posted
"The blue flash cleared his view..." In the next sentence you tell us "...hoping to clear the weird colored lights that were in his vision." This is confusing at least. His view is cleared, and yet he rubbed his eyes in an attempt to clear the colored lights in his vision. I think I know what you meant, but I think it needs to be clearly delineated.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 14, 2007).]
posted
"The blue flash cleared his view"- This seems to be a sentance in and of itself which catches my attention first. It's a bit confusing because usually a flash obscures my vision it doesn't clear it.
"suddenly found himself in the middle of the street"- What kind of street? I think if you put more detail in this part of the sentance it will balance out the sentance and draw my attention to the second part which might make it more cohesive.
"He rubbed his eyes hoping to clear the weird colored lights"- is his vision clear or not, and you used the word clear again which makes me tune out.
"It was as if a camera flash had gone off in his face."- nice simple I can envision this. You could maybe work this into the first phrase to clear things up.
"after" throws my attention. It seem to pick up the pace too fast and my mind no longer follows.
"the message"- just tell me what the message is
the part about the characters around the dial is confusing. From the way you've described the watch I see a digital watch but this almost makes me think of the numbers around a normal watch. Its confusing.
Sorry for being a stickler about wording. The content is good and I think I could get into it. It just needs some rephrasing.
posted
Ok, taking in most of your suggestions, here's what I've come up with so far:
The blue flash faded away, and Tom Carrigan suddenly found himself in the middle of the street. The watch on his arm sounded off two electronic chirps, causing Tom to bring the device up in front of his face. The digital readout flashed “Shift complete – Recharging...” before the numbers on the dial changed to read 6:15 P 09 / 27 / 2207. Tom rubbed his eyes and blinked several times, hoping to clear the weird colored lights that were in his vision. It was as if a camera flash had gone off in his face. Taking another look at his surroundings, Tom was amazed at the buildings that just seemed to go on up forever. As he continued to look up into the sky, he could see many different vehicles soaring above.
posted
This sounds much better to me. I get a good picture and now I want to read more and find out why he appeared in the middle of the street and whats going on and what this watch does. You've set my imagination spinning.
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