Is there a reason the planet is named "Phlox" - which is also the name of a plant? Then further on you make reference to a "Creeping Phlox" which I believe is also a particular variety of Phlox. This is not clear, if there is no connection, you might want to change the names since it is distracting and I'm sure other readers will have the same question. What is the "Creeping Phlox" anyway? Are plants being brought in? It seems a strange name for a ship if that's what it is.

"Trevor, the farm scientist..." Anything wrong with calling him an "agronomist"?

And I'd like clarification on another point as well. Did the "terraforming exploration probe" make you want stop reading for a moment, or does it simply seem incongruous to you.

Agronomist would probably be a better word, and I may decide to use that. But then again, if I want to grab attention with the first paragraph, I don't want to use a word that the reader may be unfamiliar with.

quote:

---

Fred White looked up at the sky. Clouds streamed by,
obstinately not giving up their rain.

---

From reading, I'm not certain if the clouds are literally streaming or if that is imagery. As imagery, it didn't work for me. In a sci-fi or fantasy story, I think there is a tendency to take things literally. If they really are streaming, you might want more detail so the reader is sure that is what is happening.

quote:

---

Trevor, the farm
scientist, had said it would still be a few years
before the weather settled down to something like
Earth normal.

---

"Farm Scientist" sounds a bit un-scientific to me. As a reader, I would be looking to understand such a strange term within the story.

quote:

---

The thick atmosphere of the planet Phlox
had proven very resistant to the exploration probe’s
terraforming efforts.

---

I didn't have a problem with this. It explores and terraforms.

quote:

---

His radio beeped. The voice of his son, Bob, sounded
forth.

---

"Sounded Forth" came across as an awkward "he said" tag.

quote:

---

“Dad, you better get back here. The satellites are
reporting a ‘Proximity Alert’, and the Creeping Phlox
is not due back for a long while yet!”
A smile crept across his face. His son, Bob, was still
very excitable at 8.

---

I think you should spell out eight. My understanding is that in fiction you only want to spell out numbers that take more than a few words to say.

The dialogue does not sound like an eight-year old boy to me. He doesn't even use contractions. If there is a reason for this, I would want to see it in the next paragraph (as a reader). Otherwise, that's a big turnoff.

I don't feel much of a hook at this point, since I don't know yet what a proximity alert means to the characters. I also don't learn much about the main character or the immediate setting yet. These things always help with a hook.

The proximity alert is enough I might read more to see what is going on, as long as the story were polished.

"...the exploration probe's terraforming efforts." Ya, this did seem incongruous to me - it may not be to others, however.

"I don't want to use a word the reader may be unfamiliar with."
Don't underestimate the reader - especially with science fiction. Those who read science fiction are intelligent and well versed in all kinds of scientific terminology.

quote:

---

Fred White looked up at the sky. Clouds streamed by, obstinately not giving up their rain. [This sentence is problematic for me. It not just the glaring adverb obstinately, it's the need for it: Nimbus clouds streamed by withholding their precious cargo. or something.] Trevor, the farm scientist [Maybe take a cue from OSC on this one: xenoargonomist, if you are not meaning a xenometeorologist. I wouldn't have stopped reading because of this, though.], had said it would still be a few years before the weather settled down to something like Earth normal. The thick atmosphere of the planet Phlox had proven very resistant to the exploration probe’s terraforming efforts.
His radio beeped. The voice of his [eight-year-old son, Bob, sounded forth.
“Dad[. Y]ou better get back here. The satellites are reporting a ‘Proximity Alert’, and the [Creeping Phlox<--Italicize this, so we know it's a ship name.] is not due back for a long while yet!”[This doesn't sound like an eight-year-old. I have an intelligent ten-year-old, and he would be less articulate about this. Sound more like twelve or thirteen.]
A smile crept across his face. [His son<--Redundant], Bob, was still very excitable[ at 8<--injected earlier, this becomes unnecessary].

---

Good hook. I'd tentatively read more.

I believe that the process of terraforming would require more than a single probe. We're talking about a planetary mass here. Even if it was somewhat smaller than Earth, it's still a huge area to terraform. I would think it would either take a series of terraforming probes scattered all across the surface of the planet to effect any sort of noticable change, or an installation of such monumental proportions that it could never be refered to as a probe. In reality, I think that it would likely require a combination of both - a series of dozens if not hundreds of colossal terraforming installations. This is your story, though, so you decide on the science. It kind of threw me for a loop is all.

I have to reiterate lehollis's mention of sounded forth. Please don't do this. it's terrible. Just terrible.

Why is Fred smiling? It lessens the impact of what Bob is saying. There's a poossible invasion, or attack going on. Isn't that funny? Oh, and, why is Proximity Alert in quotation marks? Remove them.

You're also about two lines short of a full 13. If you fix your line breaks in the text entry window, you'll get a proper text wrap next time you post.

There is some rough promise here. I'm not so crazy about the Phlox/Creeping Phlox naming issue - Creeping Phlox doesn't sound much like the name of a ship to me, kind of like naming your yacht the Cow's Cud. Plus, by wsting a line on naming the ship (and repeating info to Fred that he undoubtably knows already) you've wasted an opportunity to throw out a guess as to who is coming down to the planet. Space Pirates? Nelson Mandela?

You and your brother keep plugging away at it, and don't get discouraged by our comments - it's more important to finish your novel than it is to get your opening to be perfect.

And by the way, welcome to Hatrack.

Phlox/Creeping Phlox: the issue here is that you are generating confusion within the first 13 lines of the story. You don't want to leave that confusion until later on in the book. You want to handle it now. Renaming the ship is one way. If you're married to the idea of a ship called the Creeping Phlox, then maybe delay the mention of the name of the ship until it actually appears in the story. Maybe Bob says "... yadda yadda Proximity Alert, and Major Dandridge is still off planet for another week..." or something like that to avoid the name of the ship until it arrives and the name Creeping Phlox can be more directly tied to an object.

Fred's Smiling: Again, we're just a little confused by the contrast between a proximity alert, Bob's excited state, and Fred's smile. Why are you waiting until line 36 to explain it to us? The fix is as simple as A smile crept across his face. "Don't get so excited Bob, it's just your Uncle Farnsworth coming to visit."

Are these things on their own cause enough for us to stop reading? No, not individually. But the sum of everything we've pointed out could create enough irritation in a jaded agent or publisher that they would toss it aside without a second thought. You're generating confusion at the beginning of your book where you should be painting clear strong images for us. Maintain your focus and strive for clarity.

And, as I said before, don't get too bent out of shape on your first 13. Work on finishing the novel first. You can edit a flawed but completed novel. You can not sell a perfectly formed first third of a novel.

Jayson Merryfield