Dear (Agent's Name):

We are seeking representation for our fantasy novel, Secrets of the Golden Scepter, complete at approximately 100,000 words.

When Fycharoun, a young elf prince fleeing his homeland to escape an arranged marriage, finds himself in possession of a mysterious golden scepter, he must rely on his ingenuity and the help of some unlikely friends to solve the mystery of the scepter and stop a war.

Outwitting his mother's guards and leaving the elven kingdom of Crystalia, Fycharoun heads towards human lands, and discovers that freedom is not what he imagined. Despite his naivete, the elf prince proves resourceful against the rigors of the road and finds unexpected allies in a half-human mystic and a down on his luck human squire whose mentor has been brutally murdered. A mysterious scepter enters his life that changes shapes and eventually becomes a small dragon that moves and talks. Fy becomes emotionally attached and treats it like a real baby dragon. Avoiding those who want to exploit the powers of the scepter, Fy and his friends descend into the lair of a tyrant from ancient times to find the dragon's origins. They discover that the little dragon is real, the result of wicked experiments on a dragon's egg. It is here that the source of a rising conflict between humans and elves is revealed, and Fy must make a choice: Sacrifice his dragon friend and the elven kingdom to gain his freedom or risk a fight he has no chance of winning.

The full manuscript is available upon request.

(Our bios)

Secrets of the Golden Scepter is a fantasy novel of 100,000 words.

Fycharoun, a young elf prince flees his homeland to escape an arranged marriage. He finds a golden scepter, and relies on his ingenuity and some unlikely friends to solve the mystery of the scepter to stop a war.

Fycharoun heads towards human lands, and discovers that freedom is not what he imagined(WHY?). Despite his naivete, the elf prince proves resourceful against the rigors of the road and finds unexpected allies in a half-human mystic and a down on his luck human squire whose mentor has been murdered. A mysterious scepter enters his life(HOW) that becomes a small dragon. Fy treats it like a real baby dragon. Avoiding those who want to exploit the powers of the scepter, Fy and his friends descend into the lair of a tyrant from ancient times to find the dragon's origins. They discover the dragon is the result of wicked experiments on a dragon's egg.

The source of a rising conflict between humans and elves is revealed, and Fy must make a choice: Sacrifice his dragon friend and the elven kingdom to gain his freedom or risk a fight he has no chance of winning.(IF HE HAS NO CHANCE, THEN WHY FIGHT? I'D SUGGEST LITTLE INSTEAD OF NO)

The full manuscript is available upon request.

I've deleted any bits I think aren't neeeded in the query but there are a couple of places that might need a little more information. Plus, keep the bio to any relevent publishing history and as short as possible. Hope this helps.

When Fycharoun, a young elf {elven?} prince fleeing his homeland to escape <an arranged marriage>[family in-fighting], finds <himself in possession of> a mysterious golden scepter, he must rely on his ingenuity and the help of some unlikely friends to solve the mystery of the scepter and stop a war.

<Outwitting his mother's guards and leaving> [Fycharon leaves] the elven kingdom of Crystalia<, Fycharoun heads towards> [for] human lands, and discovers that freedom is not what he imagined {too vague}. Despite his naivete, the elf prince proves resourceful against <the rigors of the road> [(something tangible)] and finds unexpected allies in a half-human mystic and a down on his luck human squire whose mentor has been brutally murdered. [Fy finds a] <A> mysterious [shape-changing] scepter <enters his life that changes shapes and eventually> [that] becomes a small[, lively, talking] dragon< that moves and talks>. Fy <becomes emotionally attached and> treats it like a real baby dragon. Avoiding <those who> [(the tangible foes) who] want to exploit the powers of the scepter, Fy and his friends descend into the lair of a tyrant from ancient times to find the dragon's origins. {How do they know about this lair?} They discover that the little dragon is real, the result of wicked experiments on a dragon's egg. <It is here that the> [(Something) reveals the] source of a rising conflict between humans and elves< is revealed>, and Fy must make a choice: Sacrifice his dragon friend and the elven kingdom to gain his freedom or risk a fight he has <no> [little] {as the previous poster mentioned} chance of winning.

The full manuscript is available upon request.

Maybe there is compelling writing that describes why the elven prince must escape his mother and intended bride, but in the query, the prince sounds a little, uh, unprincely. Maybe in the query you should find a way to jump directly to the quest and let the novel deal with the reasons for leaving the elven kingdom, since you'll have more time to explain it. I've made an attempt to do this in the mark-up. In general, the writing in the query was a bit passive and seems timid about important details and effusive about unimportant ones.

You could have your query vetted by Evil Editor who presently has a short waiting list. My queries there were ripped to shreds and improved quite a bit (so that discounts my advice here!).
evileditor.blogspot.com

Oh, and Wouldbe, I don't think the fact that Evil Editor improved your queries means your comments aren't useful I think it's probably easier to see the flaws in someone else's stuff, since you're not so invested in it, whereas you're going to be much more tense about your own work because it's so important to you. At least that's how I see it. So I already thought your comments were helpful.

When young elf Prince, Fycharoun (Fy for short), fled his homeland and an arranged marriage, he found himself in possession of a mysterious golden scepter. With the help of some unlikely friends -- a half-human mystic named (Name?) and downtrodden, human squire (Name?) -- he will have to solve the mystery of the scepter and stop a war.

I think this little adjustment to your first paragraph does all the work necessary. It cuts to the heart of it, without sounding cliche about the dragon. And your second paragraph is redundant of the first and breaks into description best left to the vastness of the story.

I hope this helps pare down the extraneous.

My take:

quote:

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When Fycharoun, a young elf prince fleeing his homeland to escape an arranged marriage too info dumpy - Do I care about the arraged marriage? Probably not since you don't mention it again , finds himself in possession of a mysterious golden scepter, he must rely on his ingenuity and the help of some unlikely friends who are they? Don't tease, you don't have the line space for it to solve the mystery that's the second time you've used "Mystery" with the scepter in this paragraphof the scepter and stop a war Wait! What war? Give us some clue .

Outwitting his mother's guards and leaving the elven kingdom of Crystalia this is still back history. , Fycharoun heads towards human lands, and discovers that freedom is not what he imagined why? . Despite his naivete, the elf prince proves resourceful against the rigors of the road what rigors and finds unexpected allies in a half-human mystic a what? named what? and a down on his luck human squire who? whose mentor has been brutally murdered why do I care for the query? . A mysterious scepter enters his life again? that changes shapes and eventually becomes a small dragon that moves and talks. Fy becomes emotionally attached hu? and treats it like a real baby dragon. Avoiding those who want to exploit the powers of the scepter who? , Fy and his friends descend into the lair of a tyrant from ancient times who? to find the dragon's origins. how is this related? They discover that the little dragon is real, the result of wicked experiments whose? on a dragon's egg. It is here where? that the source of a rising conflict between humans and elves what conflict is revealed what is it? , and Fy must make a choice: Sacrifice his dragon friend and the elven kingdom to gain his freedom or risk a fight he has no chance of winning And any quasi-moral person knows what the choice has to be .

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You have a tendancy to have sentances that fall into this pattern: X, Y. You probably can lose the X portion and do just as well.

Right now there is too much unnecessary information and not enough. The "freinds" don't play into the query so leave them out. There is no clear Antagonist. There is no clear conflict between humans and elves. If there is conflict, why is Fy going to the humans? You hint at a lot but I don't have a feel for what the story is ABOUT.

There is nothing to take this out of the cliches that litter your query.

The crux of the story seems to be - cool scepter. While I am sure there is more going on, it doesn't come through.

Maybe something like:

Fycharoun thought that fleeing home would end his troubles but when he finds a shapechanging scepter (in the ???) the elf prince finds out there are worse fates than an arranged marriage. The wand can transmute into a small dragon. The (Evil Robot Monkey King) has sworn to possess it.

For some unclear reason, Fycharoun seeks to find the origins of the scepter. In doing so he discovers that ERMK has been attacking the human villages and framing the elfs and that his twisted magic imprisioned a real dragon in the scepter. (substitute the the plot line from your story for my ramblings)

Tell me the ending and not the choice

Thanks for all the feedback. Co-Writer and I will try to incorporate the suggeted changes and then repost the new and improved version asap. You folks are saints for helping out I think next time we're going to write the summary first, like some of the 'how to get published' books we bought AFTER we wrote the story suggest. :/