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Aaron knew what he had to do. His desire to help, and his rationale mind were fighting. He glanced at her curiously, allowing his mind to focus. Was she worth it? He wrestled with the idea for several moments. He knew that he was asking for it.

He let his mind relax. His breathing slowed, enough that someone might notice if they were looking for that sort of thing. He stared intently.He wasn't focusing on anything at all. He was looking past her.

His mind began to grab onto ideas that were not his own. He had read all the fantasy books, he knew that it was supposed to come to him in a sudden jolt. It was supposed to take his breath away. But that wasn't how this felt. It crept into his

quote:

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Aaron knew what he had to do. His desire to help, and his rationale mind were fighting. He glanced at her curiously, allowing his mind to focus. Was she worth it? He wrestled with the idea for several moments. He knew that he was asking for it.

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Even though I knew by the end of this first paragraph that Aaron was going to be using some sort of telepathy/ESP, I found the paragraph annoying. I think it was because I knew that I knew, but you weren't telling me (much like using pronouns instead of a character's name in the first paragraph. See below). I think that if you changed the first sentence to something that didn't necessarily give away the idea, but met me half-way, it wouldn't be as annoying, like "Aaron knew that only in her mind could he find her succor." Or something. That's not very good, but I think you get my drift.

Also, who is "she"? I would like to see some reference to who she is. Again, you don't necessarily have to give it all away, just some hint.

Nitpicks: rationale should be rational. Take the comma out of the second sentence.

quote:

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He let his mind relax. His breathing slowed, enough that someone might notice if they were looking for that sort of thing. He stared intently.He wasn't focusing on anything at all. He was looking past her.

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Nice. I would change His breathing slowed, enough that someone might notice if they were looking for that sort of thing. to something like His breathing slowed, enough that someone who knew what to look for might notice.

quote:

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His mind began to grab onto ideas that were not his own. He had read all the fantasy books, he knew that it was supposed to come to him in a sudden jolt. It was supposed to take his breath away. But that wasn't how this felt. It crept into his mind slowly, a stranger at first.Dancing in his mind, working its way until it became a part of him. At that moment he couldn't distinguish her needs from his. They were one. And in that moment he loved her.

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Again, nice. The only sentence I would change is He had read all the fantasy books, he knew that it was supposed to come to him in a sudden jolt. This sentence jolted *me* out of the story. I would change this to still include the "jolt" idea, but get rid of the fantasy book reference.

All of that said, I think you did a really nice job of describing what telepathy/ESP might be like. I would definitely be willing to read more.

[This message has been edited by Wastrel (edited October 04, 2007).]

My[<--emphasized to ensure this is only my opinion ] take:

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Aaron knew what he had to do. His desire to help [With what?], and his rationale mind were fighting. He glanced at her [Who?] curiously, allowing his mind to focus. Was she worth it[Worth what?? He wrestled with the idea for several moments. He knew that he was asking for it.[Asking for what? From whom would he get "it'?]

He let his mind relax. His breathing slowed, enough that someone might notice if they were looking for that sort of thing.[Someone else might notice? Where is he? Why would someone notice?] He stared intently.He wasn't focusing on anything at all [I thought he was "focusing" on relaxing and slowing his breathing.]. He was looking past her [Since when? At what?].

His mind began to grab onto ideas that were not his own[Eh? How? Whose ideas were they?]. He had read all the fantasy books, he knew that it was supposed to come to him in a sudden jolt.[What was?] It was supposed to take his breath away. But that wasn't how this felt[About what? How did this feel?]. It crept into his
[Since you have exceded the 13 line limit, my critique will stop at it.]

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1) What is a "fantasy twist"? There either are fantastic elements, or there are not.

2) wrenbird was absolutely right about the withholding. There is more withholding than story. Why? What are you beating around the bush for? If the story is good, tell it.

3) I don't know the time/era; I should.

4) I don't know where they are--ie Central Park; the planet Dubula 9; a spaceship; a hospital; on the set filming Jeopardy.

5) If he loves her, why doesn't he know her name?

6) You never mention what he had to do. Since that is the promise of conflict, and you never tell me, I feel that you will send me on many a wild-goose-chase before I get to the plot.

The writing was nice, only lacking in clarification.

So, first off I'm not new to Hatrack.. but anyway.
Thank you for reading it.
I wasn't sure if it should be the first thirteen lines or not, and now I'm certain that it shouldn't. I'm still fleshing out the story in my own mind which accounts for some of the problems.

And onto more plot related things... The story is about high school aged boy who realizes that he can see what people want, and what they need. The conflict comes that as soon as he chooses to do this he wants the same things they want, and needs the same things they need. And in turn loves them for who they are because he understands them.

To be honest I don't like that it sounds like "telepathy/esp" thing.. that makes me feel like its cheap and unoriginal. I believe its intended towards a younger audience...