posted
The path Ava traveled was as familiar to her as the lines that stretched across the length of her palms. The rhythm of her jog barely broken as she leapt over the grasping roots of the fur trees that stretched along the forest floor. Suddenly, a ghastly shriek cut the air overhead, and she leaped into a hollowed out space left over from the, once virulent but now disintegrated, nursing tree. Her eyes shifting rapidly as she peered out through the jagged veined roots, her breath caught in fear, and her heart frantically racing in search of its natural beat. Slowly, as the shriek faded in the wind, she crept back onto the path which would take her to the world beyond where her totems could guide her in bringing down the dreaded creature in the sky.
[This message has been edited by beatybl (edited October 07, 2007).]
quote:The path Ava traveled was as familiar to her as the lines that stretched across the length of her palms.
A new way to say the cliche` "Like the back of her hand." I normally wouldn't harp on something like this because at least your trying to phrase it another way. However, do you really need to start your story with a reworded cliche` ?
quote: The rhythm of her jog barely broken as she leapt over the grasping roots of the fur trees that stretched along the forest floor.
Minor grammar problem with the word broken.
quote: Suddenly, a ghastly shriek cut the air overhead, and she leaped into a hollowed out space left over from the, once virulent but now disintegrated, nursing tree.
I'm not thrilled with the use of the word suddenly. I understand you are trying to surprise the reader, but let the scene and the actions of Ava show it, instead of depending on adverbs.
quote:Her eyes shifting rapidly as she peered out through the jagged veined roots, her breath caught in fear, and her heart frantically racing in search of its natural beat. Slowly, as the shriek faded in the wind, she crept back onto the path which would take her to the world beyond where her totems could guide her in bringing down the dreaded creature in the sky.
You have some very long sentences. This causes your clauses to become lost and it puts your modifiers too far out.
Here is my quick edit.
quote:Ava ran along a familiar path. She leaped over the roots of the fur trees that stretched along the forest floor, never breaking her stride. A shriek cut the air overhead, startling Ava. She dove into a hollowed out space, were a nursing tree once stood. Peering out through the jagged veined roots, her eyes twitched, her breathing quicken, and her heart raced. The shriek faded in the wind. She crept back onto path and began to run towards her world. Her totems would help her. The dreaded creature's time would come.
posted
I liked this and would read on. Here are some nits:
You used the "leapt" and "leaped" spellings closely enough to be distracting.
Broken->Broke
...the,once virulent but now disintegrated, nursing tree. (Both commas are tripwires in this sentence.)
Her eyes shifting rapidly as she peered out through the jagged veined roots, her breath caught in fear, and her heart frantically racing in search of its natural beat.
This seem a little tortured with the long introductory clause, but I'd would at least match the verb tenses: ...her breath caught in fear, and her heart raced frantically in search of its natural beat.
...where her totems could (would) guide her in bringing down the dreaded creature in the sky.
...where her totems could (would) help her bring down the dreaded creature in the sky.
quote:The path Ava traveled was as familiar to her as the lines that stretched across the length of her palms. The rhythm of her jog barely broken as she leapt over the grasping roots of the fur trees that stretched along the forest floor.
Jogging and leaping sounds suspiciously like recreation to me so my first thought was that she was just getting some exercise running through the woods. It might work ok if you just change the word jog to something else.
quote:Suddenly, a ghastly shriek cut the air overhead, and she leaped into a hollowed out space left over from the, once virulent but now disintegrated, nursing tree.
This part had me a little confused. What was shrieking and why did it compel Ava to jump for cover? Was it what she had been running from the whole time?
Basically, I would like it if her motives for running and hiding were made clear a little earlier in the paragraph. But other then that its not to bad.
[This message has been edited by Helvorix (edited October 16, 2007).]
quote: The path Ava traveled was as familiar to her as the lines that stretched across the length of her palms.<--[I didn't have the cliche problem--though, I might shorten the latter half of the sentence to "palm lines".] The rhythm of her jog [barely broken as she leapt over<--Suggested replacement: adapted to the] grasping roots of the fur trees that stretched along the forest floor. [Suddenly,<--Nix this, it's implied with: A] ghastly shriek cut the air overhead, and she leaped into a hollowed out space left over from the[, once virulent but now disintegrated,<--I don't see the need for this, yet. What I'm wondering is what is the/a:] nursing tree. Her eyes shifting [rapidly<--Makes me envision googly-eyes] as she peered out through the [jagged veined<--redundant. You just described the roots.] roots[. H]er breath caught in fear[,<[[Nix] and her heart [frantically<--Nix.] rac[ed] in search of its natural beat. Slowly, as the shriek faded [in the wind<--Nix. Does nothing for the tale.], she crept back onto the path[.It] would take her to the world beyond[,] where her totems could guide her in bringing down the dreaded creature[What creature in the sky?] in the sky.
Overall, I think you have an interesting core. It could be trimmed of excessive adverbs and description. It's poetic, but it clutters where the story was headed. If not for you spelling it out in the last line, I wouldn't have known there even was a dreaded creature in the sky. There was entirely too much about the roots and not enough about the creature, what it was, or why it posed a threat. It actually seemed like she was nonchalantly jogging along, there was a shriek, then suddenly she had totems--albeit unaffective this far into a mundane world--that she could battle the flying thing with; though, I don't see any need for battle. Is it like the hated crowing of a rooster? Does she dread it for any particular reason?
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 16, 2007).]
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