posted
This is an autobiographical novel, I have been working on it for about a year now, I am onto the approx 8th draught, And have written the first 30 pages of it. I also have about 150 pages of prewriting.
Hairs tingle on my flesh, My arms hang low and still. The doctor’s office, No sound comes out.
There were three things that Adam cared about - his family, his mind and God. This is the story of how he lost all of them.
January 3rd, 2005 He kept his gin in the fridge. Good spirits were to be kept cool - he inherited this knowledge from his parents. The dining room opened into the lounge and one door closed off entry to the long hall which led directly to the front door. Main access to the house. Nobody home, so the kitchen where he kept the booze, the dining room where he drank it and the lounge where he paced, while thinking.
Please tell me if it made you want to read more.
Please give feedback on just the 13 lines I posted.
I don't know who he is yet, but at least your telling the reader something about this character
quote: Good spirits were to be kept cool - he inherited this knowledge from his parents.
You still have me. I'm slowly learning about this character.
quote: The dining room opened into the lounge and one door closed off entry to the long hall which led directly to the front door. Main access to the house.
Why did you stop telling me about the character? I'm also confused to why you decided to leave the phrase 'Main access to the house' as an incomplete sentence. I don't see its effect.
quote:Nobody home, so the kitchen where he kept the booze, the dining room where he drank it and the lounge where he paced, while thinking.
Where is your clause? This sentence is very confusing. Are there words missing?
Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Personally, I'm usually turned off by "autobiographical novel." In the past, they've tended to be less interesting to me than to the author, which doesn't admit yours will be like that.
I'm also never too keen on poetry openings, but that's mostly because I hate poetry.
quote: There were three things that Adam cared about - his family, his mind and God. This is the story of how he lost all of them.
He cares about his mind? The rest seems okay, but that strikes me as odd. As a reader, I'd be looking for clarification soon.
quote:He kept his gin in the fridge.
I assume this is the same Adam. You might want to restate the name after the date, just to be celar.
quote:Good spirits were to be kept cool - he inherited this knowledge from his parents.
I think a period would work just fine there. A dash draws me out of the narrative to wonder why its there when a period would work just as well--that's just my reaction, of course. I doubt most "real" readers look at such things as critically as I do.
quote:The dining room opened into the lounge and one door closed off entry to the long hall which led directly to the front door. Main access to the house.
In context of what I see so far, I'm not sure why this detail matters. Is he thinking about these things?
quote: Nobody home, so the kitchen where he kept the booze, the dining room where he drank it and the lounge where he paced, while thinking.
quote: There were three things that Adam cared about - his family, his mind and God. This is the story of how he lost all of them.[<--Is this actually part of the story, or a blurb?]
January 3rd, 2005 He [Who?] kept his gin in the fridge. Good spirits were to be kept cool - he inherited this knowledge from his parents. The dining room opened into the lounge and one door closed off entry to the long hall[,] which led directly to the front door,the m]ain access to the house. [There was n]obody home, so [he got drunk?][the kitchen where he kept the booze, the dining room where he drank it and the lounge where he paced, while thinking.<--This is so disjointed, you don't end up telling us anything.]
By autobiographical, I assume this is about you. I think you have made the mistake most people who want to write about their lives make: you want to stay ambiguous. You can't. If this is about you, you have to shed that fear that makes you beat-around-the-bush.
IMHO :
When I got home, I was alone. There was no one to bug me; no one to tell me "You shouldn't do that"; and most of all, no one to care. So I went to the fridge. I knew that I'd find the gin hidden in the crisper--if there's one thing my parents taught me, it's that spirits were best kept cold. Then I went into the dining room and drank it. Then I began the pacing...
I'm curious as to whether the rest of the 13 lines would have had a stronger hook.
Until kings_falcon did her critique--below--I had no idea where the lines began. I was debating--above--whether you were starting with the dated line or the paragraph before. It's interesting that, even with said lines, I don't have more of a forward progression; in fact, it seems to regress.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 17, 2007).]
I might read on but am leaning toward putting it down because you move away from the character that hooked me and I don't have any faith that you'll go back to him.
my take:
quote:
Hairs tingle on my flesh, My arms hang low and still. The doctor’s office, No sound comes out. This did nothing for me. I would be inclined to give up here. You can probably cut this without hurting the story.
There were three things that Adam cared about - his family, his mind and God. This is the story of how he lost all of them. First, I'm a big fan of a full Omni POV. But I'm not sure the full omni helps you, in fact, it might hurt. I don't want to read depressing stories. I want to escape reality, which is depressing. Start with January 3, 2005.
January 3rd, 2005 Do we need the date
He Just say "Adam" since you've already told me his name. By withholding it, you make me wonder if this is another character kept his gin in the fridge. The first comment aside, this was the hook for me. I wanted to know more about the character
Good spirits were to be kept cool - he inherited this knowledge from his parents. The first section was fine. The second lost my interest.
The dining room opened into the lounge and one door closed off entry to the long hall which led directly to the front door. Hu? Aren't we in the kitchen? Why do I care about the layout yet? Main access to the house. Hu?
Nobody home, so the kitchen where he kept the booze, the dining room where he drank it and the lounge where he paced, while thinking. Hu? This is confusing and disjointed
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 17, 2007).]
posted
Since you put the effort into helping me out, I've decided to post my rewrite here, If you guys have any other comments/suggestions, I'd be grateful. (it might be 13 and a half)
January 3rd, 2005
Adam kept his gin in the fridge. He knew that good spirits were to be kept cool. Most English middle class adults knew this fact. He had learned it from his parents, - who weren't home for the moment, so the house was empty. The kitchen where the booze was kept, opened into the lounge and one door closed off entry to the front of the house. The lounge was large enough, as he paced while drinking, while thinking. Angsting over problems far beyond solving with his meagre mental and emotional resources. He was the King of this castle, but his Kingdom was empty, and his mind was sick with worry. Exhausted, he took another sip from his glass of gin and juice, with ice that he had made for himself twenty minutes before. He had already taken several pre-party sips of his drink and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 22, 2007).]
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