quote:

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Alone in the dark, the Dirge-king of Widerhall sat smudged with dirt and blood, nursing a broken leg. He tied off the last knot for his splint and wiggled a loose tooth with his tongue. Spitting out the warm blood that was very slowly filling his mouth, he tried to stand. “Stinkin elven scum!”, Cunnar growled as his bottom met with the hard ground once again. He knew his leg wouldn't support him, but his innate dwarven stubbornness required that he keep trying. As he was gritting his teeth for another go he decided he'd just deny the shortcomings of his heritage and sit for a bit and think. He needed to decide where to go next, but he didn't exactly know where he was, or for that matter, how he got there. By his reckoning, he had regained consciousness half an hour ago. It was a

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To clarify, I got my log-in name from this character, not the otherway around... not that it matters, I suppose.

I think this is a good first attempt and shows you have talent. That said, there are some issues.

Alone in the dark, the Dirge-king of Widerhall sat smudged (not sure about this word choice -- perhaps 'smeared' or 'covered in' -- smudged sounds like he is a piece artwork) with dirt and blood, (nursing-I am not certain, but i was told to avoid this type of tense change) a broken leg. (ithink the sentence needs re-structuring)

He tied off the last knot for his splint and wiggled a loose tooth with his tongue. Spitting (Again tense change -- He spat out the warm blood that slowly filled his mouth and tried to stand) out the warm blood that was very slowly filling his mouth, he tried to stand. “Stinkin elven scum!”, Cunnar growled as (his bottom met with the hard ground once again) (he fell to the ground again -- keep it simple). He knew his leg wouldn't support him, (but his innate dwarven stubbornness required that he keep trying) (Show -- don't tell). As he was gritting his teeth for another go(,) he decided he'd just deny the shortcomings of his heritage and sit for a bit and think. He needed to decide where to go next, but he didn't exactly know where he was, or for that matter, how he got there. By his reckoning, he had regained consciousness half an hour ago. It was a moonless night, but he could still see that he was

How did he know to blame the elves when he was unsure how he got there? I think this lack of knowledge would be better nearer the begining as personally I would prefer to know he was confused earlier on.

That said, it is a good start. Keep it up!

Alone in the dark [of a moonless night - put these words in there and you don't have to do it later AND you've told the reader a lot - your character is outside, it's night, there's no moon], the Dirge-king of Widerhall sat smudged [this word falls short of what you want to imply, I think. Find a stronger word that indicates he’s a mess] with dirt and blood, nursing [this implies that the leg has been broken for a long time and he's maintaining - but I think it's just happened. Find a more immediate word] a broken leg. He tied off the last knot for his splint and wiggled a loose tooth with his tongue. [Right here you should be letting the reader know what physical sensations this character is feeling. He has a broken leg and broken teeth and who knows what else. He should be in pain. Maybe he’s above pain, can ignore it, or is on the verge of screaming. I’d like to know and I think it would tell the reader a lot about the character from how he reacts to, deals with, feels pain]. Spitting out the warm blood ["that was very" - you could delete these words without losing anything except three words] slowly filling his mouth, [SEE BELOW] he tried to stand. “Stinkin elven scum!”, Cunnar growled as his bottom met with the hard ground once again [again, does it hurt? Why can’t he stand? Pain?]. He knew his leg wouldn't support him, but his innate dwarven stubbornness required that he keep trying. As he was gritting his teeth for another go he decided he'd just deny the shortcomings of his heritage and sit for a bit and think. He needed to decide where to go next, but he didn't exactly know where he was, or for that matter, how he got there. By his reckoning, he had regained consciousness half an hour ago. It was a moonless night, but he could still see that he was

A suggested alternative:

Spitting out the warm blood slowly filling his mouth, he considered standing. I’m a dwarf, he thought. A broken leg isn’t going to stop me. But he knew his leg wouldn’t support him and the prospect of another attempt appealed to him about as much as another go-round with the creatures who had put him into this spot, wherever that was. “Stinkin elven scum!”, Cunnar growled [I’ve been taught that there are only two words to use here: said or asked. Otherwise, we’re supposed to do our best to show how the character sounds] “Maybe I’ll just sit here for a bit and think.[This is a form of showing, rather than telling. And it gets the reader into the character's head. A little bit of reflection might reveal some more of his character here. You could add something like, “...and think. Do something different for once.” Or, “...and think. That’s worked well once or twice in the past.”] No sense in trying to go somewhere when I don’t even know where I am. Or how I got here.” By his reckoning, he had regained consciousness half an hour ago. He could still see that he was

I do wonder about your choice in where to start the story. Honestly, you had me until you mentioned he didn't know where he was or how he got there. I'm not sure how eager I am to read about his recovering his memory or figuring out events, unless it happens fairly quickly. Otherwise, it's been done too many times before.

This is pretty good. I think you could break a couple of sentences down--and in the process wipe some adverbs out--but, it's interesting.

My take:

quote:

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Alone in the dark, [Name,] the Dirge-king of Widerhall sat smudged with dirt and blood, nursing a broken leg.[<--sentence is static. I suggest cutting it to start with: Cunnar, the Dirge-King of Widehall,] tied off the last knot for his [leg-]splint and wiggled a loose tooth with his tongue. [Spitting out the warm blood that was very slowly filling his mouth, he<--I would shorten this--and stay active with: He spat some blood out and] tried to stand. “Stinkin['] elven scum!”[,<--I'd loose the comma and let the following be a sentence apart:] Cunnar growled as his bottom met with the hard ground once again. He knew his leg wouldn't support him, but [his innate<--this sentence is clear without this.] dwarven stubbornness required that he [keep trying<--just try would do fine.]. [As he was gritting his teeth for another go he decided he'd just deny the shortcomings of his heritage and<--[this is long and a bit redundant, maybe something like: Pain lanced his shin and drove him down again. T]hink, [damn it]. [He needed to decide where to go next,but <--Static.] he didn't [exactly<--don't need this.] know where he was, or [for that matter,<--Don't need this] how he got there.[<--You've already been told this is cliche, but now it's cleaner ] [By his reckoning,<--Who else's reckoning would it be by? He is alone.] he had regained consciousness half an hour ago. It was a

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1) Where is he? (Not geographically) What does he know? Nothing's completely black, especially outside. What can he see?

2) Has there been a battle? Did he fall into a pit-trap set by elves? If he remembers that he's the Dirge-King, he should remember why he left his hall.

3) Elves and Dwarves (and their hatreds of each other) are somewhat cliche too, so you tread on thin ice from the start. You've got to develop something more than just the obvious to sell a fantasy fan--even a Dungeons & Dragons fan.

The writing is compelling enough for me to turn the page, but tentatively. If I don't get to know Cunnar and his situation very soon, it won't keep me.

Hope this helps.