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This is the first 13 of the prologue to my WIP. This is also the section that I was referring to in my "Multiple POV's" post in the writing discussions topic. But it doesn't display any of the POV switches I was talking about.
I'm posting this to see if it has a "Hook" and to get a critique on flaws that I may not see with my own writing technique. Thanks in advance for any advice.
THE CHASE: Cora tossed the scraps form the evening’s meal into the hog’s bin. Shaking her head at her ridiculous fears she began to gather the empty buckets. This evening’s meal service at her father’s Inn had been extremely taxing. The three trappers that she served earlier that evening were looking for services that she did not supply. As she picked up the empty buckets and turned to head back into the Inn, a shadow split from the interior of the barn. A large man dressed in the furs of his trade stepped into the moon light blocking her path to the main thoroughfare of Holden. His mouth parted in a grin to show his yellowed teeth. Cora turned quickly to get back inside, when two more shadows split from the black pools of night. Cora halted in a panic, not
[This message has been edited by Stewie72 (edited October 30, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 31, 2007).]
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Why isn’t this working for me? It’s kind of empty? I mean, yes, big guy steps out of the shadows while I’m walking in a dark alley, I get an adrenaline charge. But on paper…I think I want more.
Maybe this is too common? Too generic? It might be more scary if one of them came up behind her as she’s emptying the slops? Has her hands full. Then, rather than all the explanation/description, dramatize, act it out. Have him say something and she answers him back. He’s intimidating enough. Show him as one of the trappers who tried to pick her up earlier through dialogue. Good dialogue is much more interesting than your description.
Later in your story you might get away with this as written, but here at the opening, you need something more to rouse the reader’s interest.
Well, that's just what I think. See what everyone else has to say.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 30, 2007).]
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"Shaking her head at her rediculous fears..." What fears? If this is routine why should she be fearful? We need to know up front what/why she is fearful.
"...were looking for services she did not supply." I think a little better fit for the story might be "...were looking for services not on the menu."
"...a shadow split from the interior of the barn" Don't think "split" is a good word here. Maybe emerged, slid out from, something like that.
Moon light = moonlight
"...blocking her way to the main thoroughfare to Holden." This makes it sound as if she is in a car and looking for a way out.
"...not sure what to do. (period) She glanced at...
"His mouth parted in a grin to show his yellow teeth." His yellowed teeth are evident in moonlight? Would she notice such a thing in her panic?
"Cora halted in (a delete) panic. Why not something a little less passive - "Cora froze in panic..."
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I echo arriki and niterider here. It lacked suspense and drama and felt generic. You would definitely lose me if you switched POV at this point, especially since it's a prologue.
My feeling is you have to make Cora more real. Right now, she just feels like bait. Even if we know she's going to be pursued, she still has to be real enough. Give her some unique quirks and thoughts. Make her specific to the time and place, and maybe it will work.
Or, to give it a twist, put it in the eyes of one of the pursuers. That might catch my interest.
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