posted
Apollin, a young Cartamite from the island of Cartmeir walked through the snowy forest that was his home. He scanned the forest looking for any animal that would serve as a good meal. He had been using all of his concentration scanning the forest, so it came as a suprise when the wind began to blow, causing debris and snow to blow into his eyes. When the wind stopped blowing, Apollin looked into the sky and saw fast moving clouds that had come with the wind. As they covered the sun, Apollin noticed these were not ordinary clouds. They looked like clouds that were caught in a sunset, for they were a sinister red color. This revelation caused Apollin to fall into a panic. If it was only midday and the clouds were red, then the Alchemic Storms had returned. As blue fire rained from the sky causing the ground to shake, Apollin's worst fears were confirmed.
Okay, this is a revised beginning of chapter 3 in an untitled fantasy novel. I am at 60,000 words. I post this chapter because it doesn't sound quite right to me, it doesn't flow the way I would like it too even though I have done countless revisions.
If I have any tense issues or if it is too wordy, let me know.
Catamite= a boy who submits to a sexual relationship with a man.
While I appreciate you do stick the name of the island next, and the spelling is different, but I would suggest a different name for a resident of the island. Perhaps, a Cartmeirian. Or perhaps you do mean catamite, in which case your spelling is wrong.
quote:Apollin, a young Cartamite from the island of Cartmeir walked through the snowy forest that was his home. He scanned the forest looking for any animal that would serve as a good meal(Show me him doing this -- creeping carefully, arrow nocked -- oh,yeah isn't this called hunting? ). He had been using all of his concentration scanning(repeated word) the forest, so it came as a suprise when the wind began to blow, causing debris and snow to blow into his eyes(debris is rather indefinite -- try twigs or something). When the wind stopped blowing, Apollin looked into the sky and saw fast moving clouds that had come with the wind. As they covered the sun, Apollin noticed these were not ordinary clouds. They looked like clouds that were caught in a sunset, for they were a sinister red color. This revelation caused Apollin to fall into a panic(May be share some of his feelings of panic so I can feel them too). (If) (cut) it was only midday and the clouds were red; (then)(cut) the Alchemic Storms had returned. As blue fire rained from the sky causing the ground to shake, Apollin's worst fears were confirmed.
Is he just standing as this blue fire is raining down?
This seems like a big infodump. If you were summarizing the story this would be OK, but I don't feel involved with your character. I feel very much above your scene and distant.
I want to feel his cold fingers, know he has a bow in hand. I want to see what he sees, not be told. I want to feel his confusion, hear his thoughts a little. I want to feel his panic. Without this involvement you have no real hook. The detail of the Alchemic storms is interesting, but the lack of involvement with the character and the distance I feel, would mean I would be unlikely to read on. I think a few changes could improve the piece.
posted
I think this could be a good hook but the prose moves so sloooowly. It seems like each sentence repeats something of the sentence before it and takes it one step further, in essence, we are taking two steps forward and one step back with each line. Hence, for me, any drama or tension is lost.
Also, as skadder said, it feels removed. The blue fire's coming, but I don't really care so much. I think you need to focus on bringing your protagonist to life a little more, and making him a person, rather than just an idea walking through the woods looking for food.
posted
Thanks so much guys, its good to have some outside influence on what I'm writing. I think if I were to make the changes you guys suggested to my writing that the book will be even longer, more involved, and exciting.
I did notice I have pacing issues, but you pointing out how I was having problems is going to help me out a lot.
posted
Crap...Cartamite, and Catamite. Cartamite sounds so cool though. I'm disappointed, but I guess I probably should come up with a different name.
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