posted
Overview: When the Jews returned to Jerusalem from Babylon after it was destroyed, they were penniless and built a rough hewn temple as best they could. 400 years later King Herod the Great took over, and rebuilt the temple many times its original size, sparing no expense. 100 cubits from the first courtyard he placed a large arch with an eagle on top made of solid gold to remind the Jews that it was through Rome they were able to worship freely. Some took offense, saying it was a graven image and a group of young men tore it down in the middle of the night. The boys were caught and killed but the injury left the old king, teetering on the edge of sanity, with a score to settle. Little did he know he would almost kill the very God he claimed to worship and begin a curse that would echo through his children.
Here are my 13 lines:
King Herod stood on his marble terrace and breathed in the cool spring air, hoping for some relief from the constant throbbing anguish that tortured him night and day. With his servants temporarily out of sight he leaned against the cold stone railing for support, disgusted by his swollen body for the softness of its appearance, but he knew it was only a façade. His heart was still strong and hard, willing to make the difficult decisions that had won him the entire Kingdom of Israel. Why did these fools who claimed to be the chosen of God not recognize that he alone had united Israel for the first time in nearly a millennia? From Caesar’s own lips he had been declared, “King of the Jews,” a title only held by four men in all history, Saul, David, Solomon and now all these years later by him, Herod the Great.
My question is- is it too "churchy." I want it to be read by a general audience. A lot is actual history but a lot is fiction. What do you think?
The "overview" was interesting and it sounds like you have a good story.
The trick now is to polish the first 13. The 13 don't give me any clue as to what promises you are making - ie is this a romance, historical, mystery? While I would guess it is historical from the 13 lines, it seems from the overview you're writing an alternate history or fantasy. But then, I'm not sure.
To answer your question: Not too churchy but nothing to hook me either.
The scene is pretty static and doesn't have enough promise of conflict to draw me in. King Herod is looking over his lands and thinkning about things he wouldn't be if the author didn't want to tell us about them. It's a bit too much of a history less for me. IMHO, start the story and then weave the history in.
If he is in pain, isn't he going to be thinking about it? If someone is challenging his rule, isn't he going to be thinking about that? More importantly, isn't he going to be doing something?
My take:
quote:
King Herod stood on his marble terrace and breathed in the cool spring air, hoping for some relief from the constant throbbing anguish that tortured him night and day. You are trying for too much in this sentance. IMHO if you stopped it at "spring air" and started a second sentance showing me his pain, I'd be more interested. Right now though I am worried that this will be very "heavy" reading
With his servants temporarily out of sight he leaned against the cold stone railing for support, disgusted by his swollen body for the softness of its appearance, but he knew it was only a façade. Again another really long and complex sentance. Also the "facade" made me say "hu?" his body is a facade? Is his body swollen from disease or is he just fat?
His heart was still strong and hard, willing to make the difficult decisions that had won him the entire Kingdom of Israel.
Why did these fools who claimed to be the chosen of God not recognize that he alone had united Israel for the first time in nearly a millennia? oh, conflict might be coming
From Caesar’s own lips he had been declared, “King of the Jews,” a title only held by four men in all history, Saul, David, Solomon and now all these years later by him, Herod the Great. oops, slipped back into a history lesson
For me, it would be more hooky if you introduced Herod and then jumped into the conflict - someone is challenging something he's done and he's upset about it.
Based on the overview you could even start with the pulling down of the statute or Herod's execution of the boys. Something with movement and not just ruminating would hook me more.
It's a good start though. Keep at it.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited February 07, 2008).]
quote: King Herod stood on his marble terrace and breathed in the cool spring air, hoping for some relief from the constant throbbing anguish that tortured him night and day.<--[Static. Nothing happening but, it seems, he has a headache. What "tortured anguish"?] With his servants temporarily out of sight<--[How is this relevant. Most Kings think of servants as furniture, anyway--and he's not doing anything (planning/plotting) that would need to be kept private. IMHO - start:H]e leaned against the [cold<--Eh? In the vacinity of the equator?] stone railing for support, disgusted by his swollen body for the softness of its appearance, but he knew it was only a façade<--If he knows it is a façade, why is he disgusted for it?]. His heart was still strong and hard, willing to make the difficult decisions that had won him the [entire<--[Unnecessary. We wouldn't suppose he's king of "half" or "A third" of Israel, unless you specified.] Kingdom of Israel. Why did these [fools who claimed to be the chosen of God<--What fools with that claim?] not recognize that he [alone<--[Not only don't yopu need this, you contradict it in the next sentence.] had united Israel for the first time in nearly a millennia? From Caesar’s own lips he had been declared[, “King of the Jews”<--[Don't need the comma OR the quotations. With them, it seems he's claiming to take Christ's place, without them, he's laying honest claim to the throne.], a title only held by four men in all history[:] Saul, David, Solomon and now [all these years later by<--[Again, unnecessary. The foundations are pretty well known.] him, [Herod the Great<--[To my understanding they called him this AFTER Christ. He was called "the Great" for building such magnificent public places--in an attempt to mimic Emperor Trajan.]
1) I don't think it's too "churchy". I like the characterization of King Herod, which makes it very much less "churchy".
2) I think you are either starting too early, or too late. Maybe starting with the source of his anguish would have a stronger hook--it would for me--or starting with what's getting ready to happen.
3) You have a bunch of modifiers, and they make me hold my mental breath when I'm reading. You can be more sparing with strong verbs and economizing questionable exposition.
The only problem I had with the use of "façade" is that it implied deception, like it wasn't really fat, he just carried his weight in usch a way to make people think he was fat.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 07, 2008).]
posted
I liked it, but I agree with others that there is nothing really to draw you in. Why not start with the group of men tearing down the eagle? Or does that come later in the story?
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posted
It seems to me he died of failed kidneys or cancer but either way his body was swollen with disease- edema. You are right, I need to start with action- my husband said it sounded like my mother was writing it who is a romance writer. Thank you for the suggestions!
What about this?
At the sound of footsteps the old king straightened and refitted the mask of calm that he wore, so that none would know his burden. He turned and saw his oldest son Antipater, whose dark brow showed none of the softness of Aristobulus or Alexander. Yes, it was best for the kingdom that they were executed; they were too soft to rule this people. Antipater would have the fierceness to control such an insolent race, Herod thought as he grimaced slightly and straighten his back by sheer will. Bowing before his father, Antipater waited to speak. The king nodded and he began, “Father, what think you of the rumors? We could easily increase the guard around the temple and end this before it begins.”
quote: At the sound of footsteps the old king[Who?] [straightened and refitted the mask of calm<--Is this a literal mask? If not, "straightened and refitted" are words you may want to replace. Or just say something like: "At the sound of footsteps, King Herod put on a calm façade. He would not saddle another with his burden."But, many will want to know what that "burden" is.] that he wore, so that none would know his burden. He turned [and saw<--[This could be replaced with: "to", depending on where Antipateris. Also, where is King Herod?] his oldest son Antipater, whose dark brow showed none of the softness of Aristobulus or Alexander. Yes, it was best for the kingdom that they were executed; they were too soft to rule this people.<--[Does he have any regret? Is he so cold?] Antipater [would have<--This would be stronger with: had as the verb] the fierceness to control such an insolent race[What insolent race? AND "insolent" tells us instead of "showing" us.], Herod thought as he grimaced [slightly and straighten his back by sheer will.<--A stronger, more economical version might be: and willed his back straight.] Bowing before his father, Antipater waited to speak.<--PoV?] The king nodded and [he began<--[He who? Herod? This--IMHO--should be separated from the son's dialogue, so that it is clearly Antipater speaking. It made me stop and question who "Father" was, at first.], “Father, what think you of the rumors? We could easily increase the guard around the temple and end this before it begins.”
1) I do think there is a stronger hook here, but there doesn't seem to be any real urgency.
2) In my humble opinion, there is too much off-screen exposition, and not enough focus on the matter at hand. I could trim this down to three pertinent sentences and the dialogue. Though the details of Herod's three sons and their fates are perhaps pertinent to the story, they distract (in almost an info-dump) from the situation. What the hook--and what the reader wants to know--is what the "it" is that is going to begin. Which brings me to my next point:
3) Both your PoV character (Herod) and the speaker (Antipater) know what "it" is, so we should also. Calling it "it" is intentional withholding, unles Herod--as it should be--is thinking about what "it" is. <--That's a mouthful.
If you were refering to me when saying:
quote: It seems to me he died of failed kidneys or cancer but either way his body was swollen with disease- edema.
...my reply is: I never mentioned anything about how or why Herod died--only why he was called "Herod the Great". And that was really a side note.
Have you seen Simcha Jacabovici's (History International channel's The Naked Arachaeologist) documentary on Herod. You might like it. (It was nasty, the deal with worms in his testicles! <shudder> )
Again, I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 07, 2008).]
posted
It's a bit more hooky but your desire to tell me about the history is distracting from showing me the story. <shudders> Goodness, I invoked show v. tell. Let me try to make that a more helpful statement.
Herod thinking about executing his sons is still just thinking. He's telling us that he is going to kill two of his own children for what he perceives to be the benefit of the kingdom. There is no emotion here - just a recitation of fact. That telling does a few things for me: (1) throws me out of the story (why am I being told this now?); (2) makes Herod unsympathetic (doesn't he even feel a twinge of remorse?; and (3) seems to distract from whatever the event is about to be.
Telling me about events in the first 13 can be the kiss of death for your novel. BTW - how many words do you have?
IMHO, either show me his decision to execute his sons or the excution and his reaction or save this detail for later. Right now you want me to connect with Herod, who I presume is the MC, and care about him.
on the lines:
quote: At the sound of footsteps the old king straightened and refitted the mask of calm that he wore, so that none would know his burden. who is telling me this? Herod isn't going to think of himself this way. What burden? Stop withholding that information.
He name? turned and saw his oldest son Antipater okay, some motion , whose dark brow showed none of the softness of Aristobulus or Alexander Why do I as the reader care about this? I don't even care about Herod yet? .
Yes, it was best for the kingdom that they were executed; they were too soft to rule this people. Antipater would have the fierceness to control such an insolent race, IMHO, all of this can be cut. If you are going to do something like this, give me details. What people? What race? Why are they insolent? Why the heck would a father execute his sons because they were "soft?" This section had me asking the wrong questions
Herod thought as he grimaced slightly and straighten his back by sheer will having broken my back, it's more than a slight grimace to straighten some days But. more generically "by sheer will" made me say "hu?" .
Bowing before his father, Antipater waited to speak you probably don't need "to speak".
The king nodded and he began I second IB's comments to this one
“Father, what think you of the rumors? Ohh, somthing good. What rumors? We could easily increase the guard around the temple and end this before it begins Hu? What rumors? What is "it"? Why just the temple? Hu? What is happening? .”
It's closer but the need to digress into history is keeping you from getting to the action. Once you get there - just tell me. The hook is not the false mystery - i.e. what rumors? What us "it"? but the response to those events and the tension that comes from knowing the odds/stakes.
To make me care, I need to know what the stakes are or there needs to be some question that I can solve with the characters. This is a bit of what IB means when he said the "urgency" is missing.
If people are rioting, Herod is going to be doing something about it before his son shows up. If there is just a threat, wouldn't Herod be issuing orders to deal with it? If they all treat it like - oh yea, by the way, sometime in the future there might be a problem - you are going to lose the momentum and hook. If the characters don't care about the issue, the readers won't.
Hope this helps
Edited for the Darn codes!
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited February 07, 2008).]
posted
You guys are disgustingly good. I'm going to have to work this out but I'm trying to get another manuscript already under contract off my desk. It is almost done.
You are so right. As for what I have done. I have the entire thing plotted and three versions of fifty odd pages each of different plots. Its a mess.
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