posted
Okay, I didn't know if I should stop mid sentence or not, but here's the opening of my finished novel. I'm not looking for readers, just wondering if you would turn the page or not. Thanks in advance for your input!
The old woman was unbelievably shriveled, like a piece of fruit left to rot in the sun. The last heat of summer pressed on her like one more wrinkle on her skin. Corren watched her cross the courtyard with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. He had never seen this woman before, nor did he know why she was here, but her sudden presence on these solitary grounds brought him to a strange sense of alertness. She walked with painful slowness but when she met his gaze it was with such unexpected strength that he felt a chill. He was alone under a hickory tree on the expansive grounds of Tower Hall South – home to a unique group of wizards and their pupils. He had been extracting finger root with a single word, enbiree, and collecting it in a woolen bag. The appearance of
posted
I think it sounds really good I would want to keep reading. I was confused by the last sentence though.
He had been extracting finger root with a single word, enbiree, and collecting it in a woolen bag.
I'm guessing, after rereading the sentance that enbiree is a magic word or spell that he was using. Maybe to clear it up you could put the word in italics or something if that is the case. Good luck, and way to finish! ~Sheena
posted
Thanks for the reply! In my manuscript "enbiree" is in italics, but it didn't copy that way. I don't know near enough about HTML (and by that I mean I don't know ANYTHING about HTML) to try to fix it in my post. Thanks again!
I'd still love to hear from others too (hint hint).
posted
The old woman was unbelievably shriveled, like a piece of fruit left to rot in the sun. Excellent! I like how you compare her to shriveled fruit. However, maybe you can say what kind of fruit, such as a raisin...lol... perhaps say dried grape or some other fruit. Such as: like a dried melon left to rot in the sun
The last Perhaps you don't need the word "last" here, it slows down the flow of the sentence heat of summer pressed on her like one more wrinkle on her skin.
Corren watched her cross the courtyard with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. Is there some way you can describe this by showing us her curiosity and apprehension, rather than telling us?
He had never seen this woman before, nor did he know why she was here, but her sudden presence on these solitary grounds brought him to a strange sense of alertness. Again, is there any way you can show us his alertness. Perhaps describe the expression on his face.
She walked with painful slowness I'm picturing her hunched over with her hand on her lower back but when she met his gaze it was with such unexpected strength that he felt a chill.
He was alone under a hickory tree on the expansive grounds of Tower Hall South – home to a unique group of wizards and their pupils. He had been extracting finger root with a single word, enbiree, Is this being done with magic? This confused me at first. and collecting it in a woolen bag.
So far I like it. I would turn the page.
[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited January 28, 2008).]
posted
When you type a post, DragonChick, look to the left of the message box, you will see a link to "*UBB Code is On"--the secrets are in there.
quote: The old woman [Name, the next part shows age.] was [unbelievably<--[Ditch this.] shriveled, like a piece of fruit left to rot in the sun. The last heat of summer pressed on her like one more wrinkle on her skin. Corren [Who? Who's this?] watched her cross the courtyard with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension.<--Show us this in his/her actions.] He [He who?] had never seen this woman before, nor did he know why she was here, but her sudden presence on these [solitary grounds<--What solitary grounds?] brought him to a strange sense of alertness. She walked with [painful slowness<--Whose PoV?] but when she met his gaze[,] it was with such [unexpected<--clutter] strength that he felt a chill. He [WHo?] was alone under a hickory tree on the [expansive grounds<--I thought they were solitary?] of Tower Hall South [– <--[A proper em dash abutts both words surrounding it.] home to a unique group of wizards and their pupils. He had been extracting finger root with a single word, enbiree<--[Eh?], and collecting it in a woolen bag.<--[Can't visualize this] The appearance of
It's far easier to establish PoV first, and tell us whom it belongs to.
Whiole the old woman's description is detailed, it is also a little redundant. And in the first two sentences, there are two metaphors--and some thick language.
This is a static beginning.
Who is Corren? Where is he? You go from alerting us to Corren noticing something odd--which could be a hook--to him nonchalantly toying with a root (and a magic spell?). It should be the other way around:
Introduce Corren, the young wizard-in-training, toying with extracting a root, then grow suddenly alert at the appearance of an old lady whose gaze is filled with strength. Then, because you've aroused our curiosity, you have to have him try and learn the answer to the puzzle presented to him--give us somewhere to go.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited January 29, 2008).]
posted
I'll bet it does get interesting. I sometimes think I should try to be more versed in this stuff, but that little to-do item tends to sit quite comfortably at the bottom of my list, LOL.
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Again, I'm coming a little late into the game, but I've been gone for a week.
Would I keep reading? Yes. Could this be improved? Yes. As always, this is just one person's view. My thoughts as I read:
quote:The old woman was unbelievably shriveled, like a piece of fruit left to rot in the sun. The last heat of summer pressed on her like one more wrinkle on her skin. I'm assuming someone so-far unnamed is observing this. If so, how does he know that the heat of summer is pressing on her? This is a pretty sentence, but I can't really grasp what picture you're trying to paint with this. Maybe just mention the effects of the heat instead? Corren watched her cross the courtyard with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. If this is Corren's POV, you might have the first sentence mention him so we know who's eyes we're looking out of. He had never seen this woman before, nor did he know why she was here, but her sudden presence on these solitary grounds brought him to a strange sense of alertness. I'd suggest either deleting "to a strange sense of alertness" and just say "alert." Or you can show us how his alertness is strange compared to normal alertness so we can understand how it's different. She walked with painful slowness but when she met his gaze it was with such unexpected strength that he felt a chill. I'm imagining a woman leaning on a cane, though that's not specifically said. I like the unexpected strength in her gaze, but I fail to understand why he feels a chill. I assume you mean he's afraid, but I only see reason for him to be surprised and wary at this point. Is there something sinister about her gaze that you haven't told us about?
He was alone under a hickory tree on the expansive grounds of Tower Hall South – home to a unique group of wizards and their pupils. Huh? I thought he was on solitary grounds, so I was envisioning a hut out in the woods somewhere. This new description is jarring. He had been extracting finger root with a single word, enbiree, and collecting it in a woolen bag.Shouldn't this come first? Something like "Corren sat under a hickory tree extracting fiber from a finger root with his magic when his concentration was broken by the shuffling sound of footsteps." The appearance of
Hope this helped.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited February 03, 2008).]
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