That said, here's My take:

quote:

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"You've got to be the worst [God damned<--Most usages of this are either a conjuncted or hyphenated word: goddamn or God-damned. Though there are various disputes.] priest in the world, Father Nathan," St. Steven said [without humour.<--Unnecessary extended tag. We'll assume he's serious UNLESS you tell us otherwise.]
"Now, see here Steven, I am the only God damned priest in the world[,<--Comma not needed.] who matters to you." replied Nathan.
"But you're talkin' blasphemy, pure blasphemy."
"Why, you've got no reason to be putting on me so high [and harsh<--Eh?], you hear[?]. I'm the one who named you [a] saint and[,] as God is my witness, I can take it back," Nat's voice rose in high dudgeon and he bit back a sermon.
He didn't have to take this crap from Steven. Ever since Nat gave Steven a title, he had become such a prig. Why, he even complained about the brothel. The number one money maker in the whole Catholic Church and Steven had problems with it morally, God.

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Your hook is clearly in the alternate reality. (I'm assuming that you do know that to be made a saint one has to go through the canonization process, and that one priest doesn't decide.) So you have a hook.

You should identify genre, so we know how to read what your displaying. And when asking if anyone wants to read, you might offer a chapter instead of a daunting 80 pages, at first.

1) Where are they? (In a car? On a boat? On a spaceship? Outside at a picnic?)

2) When are they? (In an alternate: Now? Future? Past? Distant Past? Distant Future?)

Hope this helps.

As to Genre, it is a somewhat humorous Science fiction/fantasy story with serious themes revolving around the ability to travel across dimensional barriers. I thought the "Alternate Universe Church" posting title was a tip off.

A small intro to the novel idea:
Nathan is a man from our world who finds himself trapped on an alternate world that has no history of a Christian church (among other differences). Trying to find a way to make a living he settles on the idea of starting his own church and preaching the gospels; the trouble is he does not know them very well. Despite this his church thrives and begins to spread. He is eventually contacted by another trans-dimensional traveller who wants in on Nathan's action.

The novel begins in medias res with alternating chapters of backstory and frontstory.
Anyone interested in reading/critiquing it will be given manageable chunks to digest. I don't expect this story to appeal to all but hope that it has an audience. I will finish it regardless.

I agree with 'Babbler in encouraging you to finish your work before seeking out comments. You're only 80 pages in--go for the finish, then you'll be able to see the opening with much more clarity.

I was attracted to the interaction between your two characters. However, I felt the dialogue went on just a tad too long without grounding. One of them's accusing the other of blasphemy, but I have no idea what is at stake here, and hence I'm not sold. You bring up the brothels, and though that's an issue, it doesn't seem to be _the_ issue they're talking about. So, overall, I just feel confused, and not in the "hey this is interesting" way, but in the "huh?" way.

Similarly, I'm not entirely sure what to make of the setting. I don't know much about Catholic Church and I'm not sure how "alternative" this alternative universe is. Clearly St. Steven isn't St. Stephen, and I'm not sure where that leaves me and the world I'm entering. I probably wouldn't read on to find out. Much of that is the content--I'm not that interested in these folks' issues with morality, economics, and the brothel--but I also think the presentation could be a little clearer and better grounded.

As I read the lines you posted, I felt like I was thrown into the story without any context to anchor myself in. What world are they in that Nathan is "the worst God damned priest in the world" and a saint is still alive, not to mention cussing God? What you give us does make it clear that this isn't our world or the real Catholic Church, but I have no sense of what it IS. I also don't know if they're in a cathedral or a small parish, if they're outside or inside, or anything else about their location. Just a few words indicating their location would be highly appreciated.

Some other reasons people don't post: they don't have time right then (and forget to come back to it later); they don't see anything wrong; they see so much wrong that they feel it isn't worth their while to try to correct it; for some reason, the thirteen lines simply doesn't interest them (and I don't mean lack of a hook--rather, for other reasons, they don't even care whether there is a hook or not); they know that there are things that could be improved, but don't know how to improve them, or even, perhaps, exactly what they are. I'm sure there are a load of other reasons I haven't thought of. One thing you can do: When you post, wait a couple of days before responding. That way you can legitimately bump your own post up.

Okay:

quote:

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"You've got to be the worst God damned This, instead of "goddamned", does read oddly. However it seems to indicate that, instead of mere swearing, we have a priest who has been literally damned by God. Is that the case? If so, make it clear; if not, change it priest in the world, Father Nathan," St. Steven said without humour.Avoid qualifying your attribution tags when possible.
"Now, see here Steven, I am stilted; use contractions the only God damned priest in the world, no comma who matters to you. comma, not period" replied Nathan. There are other "God damned" priests? Still don't know if we're swearing or being literal
"But you're talkin' Don't drop "g"s in "ing" words. Use diction to get across the style of speaking. blasphemy, pure blasphemy." What, besides the possible swearing, could be considered blasphemy? Nobody expects you to squeeze everything into the first 13, but you're raising questions that the characters know the answers to, and not answering them.
"Why, you've got Would you believe this is still overly formal? Given the word choice which follows, it should be "you got" no reason to be putting on me so high and harsh, you hear. question mark, right? At least if it's said with the intonation in which I'm reading it I'm the one who named you saint and as God is my witness, I can take it back,period, not comma" Nat's voice rose in high dudgeon overstated and he bit back a sermon. This might be fitting if what he'd said sounded like the start of a sermon, but it doesn't.
He didn't have to take this crap from Steven. At last we get some POV! We needed this earlier. If we're in Nathan's POV, then he should have been having thoughts and reactions that he didn't say from the start. (And even if he wasn't having any, we needed something just to let us know which POV you're using.) Ever since Nat gave Steven a title, he had become such a prig. Why, he even complained about the brothel. The number one money maker in the whole Catholic Church and Steven had problems with it morally, period God.exclamation mark.

The last couple of sentences you almost go beyond reasonable POV. It sounds more like a mini-info dump than what he'd actually be thinking.

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Overall, I agree with the previous comments on lack of setting. This definitely suffers from "white room syndrome," not just physically but contextually. Where are they? Why are they there? How did they get to this point? Again, I know you can't squeeze everything into 13 lines, and you shouldn't try. But when I feel this adrift at the end, it's likely that you started in the wrong place, and that's why you're raising so many more questions than you have time to answer.

Hope this helps.

Furthermore, I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head:

quote:

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But when I feel this adrift at the end, it's likely that you started in the wrong place, and that's why you're raising so many more questions than you have time to answer.

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I can imagine a gruff, unshaved priest catching his reflection in grime-streaked glass. With a breifcase full of religious-organized bingo money, he walks through the rain-puddled streets to a gloriously clean cathedral.(If I don't tell you what I see, you don't know.) Him thinking how the cathedrial needed to appear strong and clean--to get the uptown Joe's to donate thousands and thousands of conscience-dollars to the cause--a fortress of hope in a world gone mad...but secretly knowing that not one of the street gangs dared tag the cathedral, because the real power in the underworld came from Arch Bishop What'shisface. (Set the scene. We may wonder about the details, but that's the good kind of wonder.)

(Not implying that the aforementioned is the story; just giving an example.)

Then, when Saint Stephen approaches him at the refectory door, I can see details of your scene come into play. But, again, come to the direct point of why Stephen is Approaching Father Nathan so belligerently. Don't beat around the bush.