The tower stood high above the rest of the buildings, almost mockingly casting its shadow even to the edge of the forest. Griffin Tower was the head dormitory for the master family of Griffin University. Since the founding of the university, it had been run by the descendants of its founder. The most unusual story in the heritage of that family is perhaps the one of Timothy Griffin.

Timothy Griffin was not interested in the family university during his earliest years. In fact, he hated the lifestyle he'd been brought up in. His father was always away on duties for archaeological surveys of ancient ruins. His mother was always running errands and calculating funds or visiting some fancy party. Timothy, on the other hand, was more inclined to avoiding...

If you'd like to read more, just let me know. If not, thanks ahead of time for your (constructive) criticism; let me know what I can improve.

More to the point, your personal website is a mechanism for publishing your book, which means no publisher will ever consider it (since it is already published on the web). Of course if you aren't interested in publishing, then no problem.

If you want critiques, I'd suggest you start by posting a complete 13 lines here (another topic under Please Read Here First).

I removed the books link on my website for the time being. You're definitely right, now that I think about it. I imagine the best policy would be to simply email a PDF or Word Document to those interested in giving input, right?

Timothy escaped over the asphalt parking lot. His heart leapt as he turned back and caught a glimpse of the boys following him. The thundering of the monorail dissipated as he reached the sands of Hollywood Beach. The place was covered in seaweed. Timothy often wondered how the name of the beach in Port Angeles had come about, but right now he was focused on more important things. A familiar honk sounded as one of his followers carelessly abandoned a bicycle, jouncing the horn as the bike fell on the pavement.

Timothy ran faster as two more bikes came, clickety-clack, down the paved stairs to the beach.

"His heart leapt..." Cliche

"The place was covered with seaweed." This is a real visual since I pictured everything covered with seaweed. I think something less general - "Patches of kelp sat strewn along the beach."

"Timothy often wondered how the name of the beach in Port Angeles had come about, but right now he was focused on more important things." You start with a tense opening situation,
where someone is running from someone or something, but this sentence is neutral at best. Why not build and maintain the
tension? Once you have the tension going, maintain it or amp it up.

"A familiar honk sounded..." Rather distant. "A horn blared. He winced." Since he winces, we know the horn is not only familiar, but threatening as well.

"Timothy ran faster as two more bikes came, clickety-clack, down the paved stairs to the beach." This sentence moves the story along nicely, has tension and is a very nice image. Well done.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 26, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 26, 2008).]

Here are my new 13 lines:

Timothy Griffin fled over a parking lot and down the paved steps, away from the bullies that were gaining on him. He tripped and nearly fell as he turned back and caught a glimpse of the boys on their bikes. The thundering of the monorail overhead dissipated as he reached Hollywood Beach. Timothy had to be careful of his footing because the sand was scattered with kelp and driftwood.

One of the bullies dropped his bike at the steps Timothy had just left. Its horn blared and Timothy cringed. He ran faster as two more bikes came, clickety-clack, down the paved stairs to the beach. Timothy barely reached the boulders when a dreaded whoosh of bikes came from the trail above the boulders ahead of him.

Boy. Keep getting me to delete stuff and the first thirteen lines will keep including more of the story! That's probably a good thing to a certain extent. This is probably a way better starting point and it was only a couple of lines after the one I originally posted. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking when I added to the beginning.

[This message has been edited by isaac.madsen (edited January 26, 2008).]

By "covered in seaweed," I meant exactly that.

[This message has been edited by isaac.madsen (edited January 26, 2008).]

First, I definitely prefer the opening that starts with some action. I'd avoid the "bully" tag - just show us that by how they act. I'm interested to know what comes next.

Also, I wanted to say, unless you've already had the experience of writing a complete draft of a novel, beginning to end, I wouldn't revise anymore until you get to the end. The first draft is really just for yourself so you can get everything on paper. You can polish it for readers later. Just my two cents, and probably totally biased since I spent a lot of years revising beginnings without ever getting to the end. Once I let myself just push forward, knowing I'd fix changes later, I miraculously crossed the finish line. It may not be an issue for you, but I wanted to throw that out there any way.

“Timothy Griffin fled over a parking lot and down the paved steps, away from the bullies that were gaining on him.” You don’t need his last name yet. Suggest replacing “away from” with something descriptive like “fleeing” (which would force something other than “fled”, perhaps “ran”). “that were gaining on him” could perhaps be expressed more effectively by stating here that they are on bikes (with him on foot).

You use “paved stairs” and “steps” in the 2nd para, so how about just “stairway” to the beach? Hmm, stairway sounds more like inside…

Suggest replace “tripped and nearly fell” with something simpler (like stumbled).

“Timothy had to be careful of his footing because the sand was scattered with kelp and driftwood.” Passive. How about “Timothy struggled to maintain his pace in the sand, dodging scattered kelp and driftwood.” I think of sand as the main obstacle.

If he is running away, how does he know exactly what happens behind him? Maybe he should look back in the second para, not the first.

A tense, fast moving passage like this would be greatly enhanced by the use of short, even very short, staccato sentences (one or two word sentences.) This adds much to the sense of tension, action, impact and urgency in the scene.

"The thundering of the monorail overhead dissipated as he reached Hollywood Beach." This adds little, if anything to the opening - it's just not germane to the active scene taking place; in fact it slows it down. You could tie it in though and make it more active - "The clatter of a passing monorail faded. He heard the thugs yelling at him." Or something similar.

"Timothy had to be careful of his footing because the sand was scattered with kelp and driftwood." This is slow and clinical. I want to feel the experience - get some details and the senses involved. "Fear drove him through a maze of sharp edged boulders. The stench of salt and rotting kelp stung his nose. His lungs ached." Ok, not a polished example but I think it conveys the idea.

DragonChick--

I know exactly what you mean. I get so much into the editing mode that I forget to actually write the book sometimes. I spent a year on the first chapter for this one, but right now I'm stuck in the middle, trying to figure out exactly what happens between the middle and the end.

In middle school I could never actually write a true short story. All of my short stories were actually beginnings of ideas for novels. They didn't really end. They just stopped awkwardly at the word or page limit given by the teacher (but yes, I did end with a complete sentence). Unfortunately, all of those stories disappeared in my move away from my parents. I'm sure they still have them, but I just haven't taken the time to sort through the tons of papers that my mother saved from all of my K-12 schooling.

Anyhow, back on topic, does anyone else find the "bully" label unnecessary? I put it in because I figured that's what Timothy would be thinking. After removing it though, I think you do have a good point.

MrsBrown--

Now for the new first 13 lines:

Timothy ran across the parking lot and down a short flight of stairs to the beach. Five boys were catching up to him on their bikes as he forced his feet through the sand, avoiding the kelp and driftwood logs.

Looking behind, Timothy saw one of the boys drop a bike near the stairs. Its horn blared and Timothy cringed. He turned and ran faster as two more bikes came, clickety-clack, down the stairs. Timothy barely reached the boulders when a dreaded whoosh of tires came from the trail above.

“Give it up Timmy,” came a voice. “You're trapped.”

Timothy winced. “No kidding,” he muttered.

Should I probably reveal the ages of the boys within these first 13 lines? I'm not worrying about it a lot yet. I just supposed that their ages need to be introduced fairly early, but I don't think they're mentioned until about half-way through the first chapter. I'm not sure how to include that information without slowing down the action.

Maybe I'm out of touch with what kids are reading these days but the prose seems a bit too young for 12-year-olds (In particular, "clickety-clack" is what makes me feel this way). From what I understand of children's lit, kids like to read about kids who are older than they are by a few years, so you might want to make Timmy older (though maybe I'm totally off the mark about his age.)

I think I've done the same thing as you in my book in that I've spent the last several months editing and revising the first 1/3 of the book I've written before finishing the rest. Perhaps I should muddle through to the end as well before I do too much more editing.

On to your opening lines:

Where you say "five boys were catching up to him on their bikes," just an idea, but maybe you could describe this in a more visual manner, such as:
"Timothy looked over his shoulder to see five boys quickly peddling toward him. One of the boys dropped his bike near the stairs"...

Then maybe the part about the driftwood logs could come before this, connected to the description of him running down the stairs:
"Timothy ran across the parking lot and down a short flight of stairs leading to the beach. He forced his way through the sand, avoiding the kelp and driftwood logs."

The word "through," however, was kind of confusing to me. Perhaps you could say "across the sand".

Also, where you say "a dreaded whoosh of tires came from the trail above", the word "whoosh" confused me. At first I thought of a tire flying past his head. Perhaps you could add "skidded" somewhere in the sentence.

Well, I'm a newbie, so take my advice with a grain of salt... I hope something I said was helpful.