posted
This is my first writing adventure which I started a couple of months ago in hopes of one day getting it published and sold. I am currently writing the third chapter but I have a habit of constantly going back and changing things. Anyway, here are the first 13 lines and I would like input into whether or not this pulls the reader in and would they want to continue. Any suggestions are welcome...but please be gentle.
Awaking abruptly from a deep sleep Jonathan gasped as if coming up after a long under water swim. His heart pounded rhythmically in his chest like Native American drums while sweat slowly dripped from his brow onto his bed sheets adding to the already damp fabric. He could taste blood in the corner of his mouth. Damn it, Jonathan thought. He had bit his tongue and could now feel the dull pain swelling and throbbing on the right side. It didn’t feel like any small part of his tongue was missing like last time giving him somewhat a sense of relief.
More times than Jonathan could remember, he had awakened from his nightmare biting his tongue, drawing blood. In some cases, the bite was strong enough to remove a small piece, waking him up to extreme pain and agony tasting a pool of blood in his
[This message has been edited by Phillip L (edited January 11, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Phillip L (edited January 11, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 11, 2008).]
First of all, I like the suspense, the questions raised. How many times had this happened before? What is happening? I want to read on.
Any critique I have to offer are nitpicky little things like why an 'under water' swim (where else?) and why would he taste blood only in the corner of his mouth? Are not most drums rhythmic and don't most hearts reside in the chest? After 'had' you must use the past perfect 'bitten'.
My take:
Jonathan woke abruptly from a deep sleep. He gasped as if breaking the surface after a long swim under water. His heart pounded like Native drums and sweat slowly dripped from his brow; his bed sheets were soaked. Jonathan could taste blood in his mouth. Damn it, he thought. He had bitten his tongue again and could now feel the dull pain swelling and throbbing on its right side. With a sense of relief, Jonathan could tell that none his tongue was missing this time .
Anyway, finish the story then worry about the little things. I'll read more.
[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited January 11, 2008).]
posted
Yes, that was my reaction as well. It might help if you got to the dream itself much quicker, rather than lingering on how he feels on waking up, which doesn't really tell me a lot about the character, the setting, or the story, except it does make me wonder if his biting his tongue is somehow crucial to the story.
My biggest suggestion: Plow ahead and finish the first draft first. If you keep going back and tinkering it'll be that much harder to finish, and harder to revise later on.
A few nitpicks:
Awaking abruptly from a deep sleep Jonathan gasped as if coming up after a long under water swim kind of a cliche simile for an already cliche opening.. His heart pounded rhythmically in his chest where else but in his chest would his heart beat? Unless he's alien. like Native American drums Admirably politically correct but very awkward. Maybe "tribal drums" might work better. Or you could just cut it--it's kind of cliche as well. while sweat slowly dripped from his brow onto his bed sheets adding to the already damp fabric.
posted
First of all, thanks for the help, I really do appreciate it. With that being said, from your suggestions would it be better to start with Jonathan in the dream sequence perhaps? Or should I scratch that and start somewhere else.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I agree with LCastle and avoid starting with the dream sequence. If the dream has meaning for him in his life (and I'm assuming it does) maybe you can show him in an action scene at the point where the dream starts to have meaning?
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
How about starting when he decides to do something about his problem? That's when he is going to be actively involved and that is when the reader is more likely to become involved.
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posted
I agree with Kathleen. Say, the MC is getting himself his mouth guard and he reflects on the "why" or something to that effect.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I wouldn't worry too much about how to open it at this point. Once you have your story written, a better opening may occur to you. Unless the dream is significant to the plot, I wouldn't have it at the beginning.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I did some revising...well...actually I started from scratch and rewrote the beginning. I am working towards describing what the MC Jonathan is going through after a very traumatic experience when he was fairly young. Go ahead and do your editing Kathleen, I am unsure as to whether it is longer than 13 or not.
10:00 a.m., Jonathan’s watch informed him with repetitious beeping. It was time for his daily fix of an anti-depressant his doctor had eagerly prescribed him. Jonathan reached into his pocket for the pill bottle while pulling his 1986 Volvo over onto the shoulder of the quiet highway. As his breaks squeaked to a stop, Jonathan glanced out the driver’s side window recognizing the deer crossing sign across the street. He was at the right place. The black silhouette of the deer still had a bullet hole through the head forming an eye. The corners on each side were bent back almost symmetrically, just like he remembered.
Placing a small elliptical pill in his mouth he felt an overwhelming blanket of anxiety shroud his mind. Images of what he had witnessed in the woods across the street some years
[This message has been edited by Phillip L (edited January 31, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 31, 2008).]
posted
I don't like the way this opens, with the watch beeping. It feels like a device. Also, if the incident in the past is important enough to open your novel with, just start it there. Tell us the scene while it happens, then bring us forward however many years to continue your story.
Some more thoughts:
10:00 a.m., Jonathan’s watch informed him with repetitious beeping. It was time for his daily fix (I don't like the word fix) of an anti-depressant his doctor had eagerly (eagerly doesn't seem to fit; doctors do this all the time - in fact, you can just take out everything after "anti-depressant" because we can assume the rest.) prescribed him. Jonathan reached into his pocket for the pill bottle (why does he carry the bottle around with him?) while pulling his 1986 Volvo over onto the shoulder of the quiet highway. (This suggests to me that he has to take his pill at the exact moment his timer beeps, and that's why he's pulling over. I don't think you meant to make that connection, but if you did, it makes more sense to me that he'd take these pills in the morning as part of his routine. The time doesn't have to be exact. Anyway, I think you were just trying to get us to the scene, and it's a little choppy.) As his breaks (brakes) squeaked to a stop, (brakes don't come to a stop, cars do) Jonathan glanced out the driver’s side window recognizing the deer crossing sign across the street. He was at the right place. (move this sentence to the end, when you're done describing the sign) The black silhouette of the deer still had a bullet hole through the head forming an eye. The corners on each side were bent back almost symmetrically, just like he remembered.
Placing a small elliptical pill in his mouth he felt an overwhelming blanket of anxiety shroud his mind. (This makes me wonder if he's just recently on the medication and it hasn't really started to work yet, or if he needs a med adjustment. I think you're just trying to make us feel his anxiety over the event, but with all this pill stuff going on, that's what I'm thinking about instead. I'm not sure this info about your character needs to be right here at the beginning. Images of what he had witnessed in the woods across the street some years
[This message has been edited by DragonChick (edited February 01, 2008).]
posted
Hm... My understanding was that he's deliberately trying to take his drug at the exact place and time of whatever accident happened. The fact that it might have happened precisely at 10 am is suspect; hence the fantasy/ speculation element. As such, I'm a big intrigued by the premise.
I do think it's a danger of slipping into a flashback right away. It makes me wonder whether the accident is instrumental to the story or just to create back story and setting, and to establish character. If its for the latter reasons, I'm not sure it's worth the delve into back story. If its for the former, I think you'd be better off doing as DragonChick suggests, and starting the story with the accident.
I think it can work if you do well to weave the story of the accident into his present investigation of it, rather than launching off into a prologued memory.
On style: The writing is rather thick here. DragonChick's suggestions on cuts and edits are a good start. But all of that can be dealt with at a later time.
posted
Alright, here's something a little different. I am going for a little more action in this one. I am also keeping a little of the mystery with the MC while adding in some paranormal aspects with a subtle ability of his. I just wonder if it is too subtle.
Jonathan knew they were there. Long before leaving the grocery store, he could feel their presence. Lurking in the shadows of the alley like a predator, anxiously awaiting its unsuspecting prey. Damn it, he thought. This predator was greedy tonight. Jonathan could sense it. They were in great need of money for some dope, or crack, or whatever it was they preferred, and that made them dangerous. “Hey you, Jolly Green Giant!” One of them hollered, the others bursting into drunken laughter. “You gotta light?” Jonathan didn’t answer. He didn’t even look and continued to work his way across the entrance of the alley. His heart was now pounding and the hairs on his arms stood straight up like little skinny soldiers in formation.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 15, 2008).]
posted
I liked the "Jolly Green Giant" reference - that's the hook for me.
I had trouble in the first paragraph with the comparison of a group (multiple entities) to a single predator. Specifically: "This predator was greedy tonight ... They were in great need..."
Also I'd suggest to replace "was now pounding" with "pounded" - stronger and parallel to the hairs that stood in the next part of the sentence.
posted
I have made a couple of revisions to the previous post. Let me know what you think.
Jonathan knew they were there. Long before leaving the grocery store, he could feel their presence. Lurking in the shadows of the alley like a pack of hungry wolves, anxiously awaiting its unsuspecting prey. Damn it, he thought. The pack’s greedy tonight. He could sense it. They were in great need of money for some dope, or crack, or whatever it was they preferred, and that made them dangerous. “Hey you, Jolly Green Giant!” One of them hollered, the others bursting into a drunken laughter. “You gotta light?” Jonathan didn’t answer. He didn’t even look and continued to work his way across the entrance of the alley. His heart pounded and the hairs on his arms stood straight up like little skinny soldiers in formation.
posted
The problem I have with this is that it seems implausible. You tell us that he knows the pack is there in the shadows. He knows they are greedy. He knows they are dangerous. Despite this, he passes in front of the alley to present himself as an easy target? This is just too convenient. Why would he not go the other direction at least until he can avoid passing by the alley? It would be more plausible if he were caught totally by surprise, not even suspecting they were there.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
You are absolutely right about that. I thought that same thing a little after posting it the first time. I want to use what I have so right now I am brainstorming ways that I can work around it. Such as maybe he wants to face them head on because he is sick of them giving other people a hard time, or something like that. I just haven't come up with anything that is concrete and will flow well with the rest. So if anyone has any ideas, I am completely open.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
It's hard to suggest a way to start this because we don't know where the story is going and a suggestion might not fit with the rest of the story. However, consider the element of surprise - confrontation with these punks comes as a complete surprise to him. That way the reader discovers through dialogue and actions, just what it is these punks want. It also creates more suspense than just telling us up front what they are like and want.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
That would normally be a good suggestion, however, like I said, I would like to keep most of what I have the same. I understand where you are coming from as far as not knowing what the story is about. So without getting into too much detail I will tell that the MC has certain special abilities. One of them being that he can feel and sense what others are feeling and also feel the very energy that we all give off. So he can feel people around him and know where they are if they are hiding. So in this case it would not make sense for it to be any kind of surprise. What I am attempting to configure is a way to fit all of that in. In other words, he is facing them for a reason, like he is trying to be a hero or something to that effect.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
If nightmares are as important to the plot as they seem, avoid the cliche by putting him at a point where he has not just awakened from a dream, but is dreading going to sleep because he knows the nightmares will come. Even that may be dicey.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I like your revised beginning a lot. Maybe though, instead of being afraid of the "Hungary wolves" you could make his character eager for a fight. If before the insident he is a little cocky, and then after it he is afraid, that would give a lot of weight to said insident. spl?
Is he green and tall? I wouldn't mind if he is, if he's just normal, then why this reference? That's all ~Sheena
posted
There are lots of possible reasons he HAS to pass in front of the alley even though he knows what lies waiting there.
His car is parked so he has to. His apartment is across the street. He is in a crowd leaving, but they unexpectedly go other ways.
Then, he could always cross to the other side of the street. Put more open space between himself and the bad guys but a car could careen into the wrong lane and force him closer to the alley.
1. The first thing I was curious about was, how did he know? "he could feel their presence." What did it feel like? Where did he feel it? How does he feel this? For me, that is the big hook. I mean drug addicts looking for prey is fine, but the thing that sets Jonathan apart in the opening paragraph-the hook to make you wonder is that line. For me to want to read more, I want to know more about it.
2. You need to show his motivation in crossing the alley where he knows predators lurk, as has been said before. There is something unique about Jonathan, so use that uniqueness to explain why he crosses as close as possible to people that are willing to hurt him for no reason.
3. Give us a little more on the green giant thing-is he just a fat man in a green coat? or is he actually tall and green? or is the predator so drunk that the reference has no point?
4. Drunken and Predator seem to be incongruent. Predators are hunting, analyzing, calculating, patient or they are lightning quick, voracious etc. Most importantly predators are capable of bringing down pray. Drunken does not convey that idea to me that they are to be feared as predators. They could be feared as junkies coming down from a fix where their actions are unpredictable. Or they could be in need of a fix and are stalking potential prey. But drunken and predatory don't work together for me.
Hope this helps, and I find that sometimes a critique can be better given when there is more context to read--you can email me what you have, but also include where you want the story to go, and maybe I can help flesh things out a little more for you.
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