Rommel swung open the doors to the solon and quietly stepped inside.
The piano stopped playing and all talking had cease. Not the entrance he had expected, but his clothing might have something to do with it. His long black trip pants with flowing chains and a large black belt with a skull as a buckle, completed with 2 Colt 1911A1 and Katana. His large shirt with the Led Zeppelin Physical Graffiti album cover. Plus his spiked hair didn’t help.
Rommel quietly walked to the bar and sat down, pulled out a Camel cigarette and lit it.
“What will it be stranger?” asked the bar tender.
“Water, cold, perfidy with ice.” Replied Rommel.
The bar tender walked away into the back, returning a few

First. It ran way over 13 lines, so I am sure it will get cut back by nearly half.

quote:

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Rommel swung open the doors to the solonsaloon and quietlynot needed -ly word stepped inside.
The piano stopped playing and all talking ceased.had cease. Not the entrance he had expected,assuming he had never time travelled before but his clothing might have something to do with it. His long black trip pants with flowing chains and a large black belt with a skull as a buckle, completed with 2 Colt 1911A1 and Katana. His large shirt with the Led Zeppelin Physical Graffiti album cover.i'm real bad with sentence structure, but I believe these are fragments, and might be better as a list, begun with a colon Plus his spiked hair didn’t help.
Rommel quietlyonce again -ly word not needed, unless maybe you are trying to make a point. He has sneakers on and therefore can walk quietly. walked to the bar and sat down, pulled out a Camel cigarette and lit it.
“What will it be stranger?” asked the bar tender.bartender
“Water, cold, perfidymeans treachery, you lost me here unless you were going for dialect and meant a variation of preferably with ice.” Replied Rommel.

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I'm guessing that this is about where you will be cut off by the moderator.

Anyways, as I said to start off, I couldnt help myself I still liked it.

Edited again, this ubb stuff takes a little to get use to.
Is the 3rd time the charm.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited March 29, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited March 29, 2008).]

I'll do specifics first, then address the overall stuff.

Rommel swung open the doors to the saloon and quietly I don't see a problem with using quietly here, without it I picture someone making a very loud, door-slamming type entrance stepped inside.
The piano stopped playing and all talking had cease.Should be ceased, but this line doesn't work for me at all. If he entered quietly, then why would everyone in a presumably noisy and busy bar take notice of him? Even with eccentric clothing, it would take a while for people to all stop and stare. Not the entrance he had expected, but his clothing might have something to do with it. His long black trip pants with flowing chains and a large black belt with a skull as a buckle, completed with 2 Colt 1911A1 and Katana. His large shirt with the Led Zeppelin Physical Graffiti album cover. Plus his spiked hair didn’t help. The last three lines were fragments, and contained one thing that I find endlessly distracting in writing; you used the same word frequently in a short span. Try to cut back on using "his" so much, and "with". I know that's hard to do in descriptions, but toy around with it some. Use more of a list format, change the order of the items, things like that. It still feels like a lot of information crammed in one place.
Rommel quietly this time you don't need quietly, since it was already established at the beginning. If his entrance were loud, then this would fit better walked to the bar and sat down, pulled out a Camel cigarette and lit it. The second half of this doesn't seem to flow well to me.
“What will it be stranger?” asked the bartender.
“Water, cold, perfidydid you mean preferably? with ice,” Replied Rommel.
The bar tender walked away into the back, returning a few

I hope that didn't seem to harsh, I always feel like I'm being overly harsh with people when I do this kind of thing. Overall, it was intriguing, but not overly so. I have to agree that it feels a bit cliche. I think my biggest issue is that we're too distant from the character. Perhaps if we saw what he thought of the people looking at him?

It seems like an interesting story though, keep working on it.

[This message has been edited by MorwenElda (edited March 31, 2008).]